June 21st my beautiful sister Jill and her husband Brian became parents. They witnessed birth and death and experienced a love that most people do not experience in a lifetime.
Jill went into labor early Friday morning and the babies were born around 7:00 am. They were two perfect baby girls, quickly named Annie and Bella as the last 6 months they were affectionately referred to as "Baby A" and "Baby B" during the ultrasounds. We all got to meet, hold and fall in love with Annie and Bella before they were sent back to heaven. It forever changed each of us, the love that these two babies showed us in their all too brief lives was so profound and an experience I can't even explain, but will hold in my heart for as long as I live.
I have had some pretty sad days in the last two years of my life, and Friday, June 21st, was one of the hardest yet. To witness the love that my sister and her husband share, and to watch these two little miracles grow in her belly, to constantly guess the sex, talk about the future of Jill and Brian's family that would double in the fall, to refer to them as Chase's "new cousins", to have spent hours looking at nursery plan ideas, and to have it all come crashing down without warning or explanation...there are no words.
We were beyond thrilled for these two little miracles. Finally, my family was able to look forward with joy and happiness, our hearts all still tender from losing Alec, but we were healing and had found a new normal and these babies we thought, would make us whole again. Now there is nothing but tears, sorrow and wondering why. Jill and Brian are grateful that they had those few hours, holding their baby girls, smiling at them, looking in awe of their tiny fingers, toes, thanking God for allowing us all to meet them and tell them how much we loved them each, kiss their beautiful little heads and whisper how we wished they could stay.
Jill had a perfect pregnancy and for 6 months, she ate healthy, exercised, never had any complaints. Thursday night she had lower back pain and drove to the hospital, a couple hours later she was having contractions and despite the desperate attempts to stop the labor, the babies were born at 23 weeks 5 days. Her tests for infection came back negative and we may never know why this tragedy unfolded.
Our family is so devastated, our hearts are broken open again, I thought our days of mourning were over. I thought we were all "safe" from hurt for a while. I guess it is a continuous reminder that life is so precious and every day is indeed a gift. All we can do is pray...pray for healing, pray for strength, pray for hope and pray that we never forget Annie and Bella. The only comfort we have is knowing that "Uncle Alec" has welcomed Annie and Bella into the gates of Heaven and into his loving arms. He undoubtedly now has his hands full, but I know those two precious little baby girls already have him wrapped around their tiny little fingers.
My only saving Grace is knowing that God is with us. It is so easy to think otherwise...Why did God let this happen? Why did God do this to my family once again? Why is God so mean? Haven't we been through enough? Why did God tease us, he brought them into our lives then took them away. Why is God so hateful? What lesson is he trying to teach us? What has my family done to deserve this?
I do not believe any of this. I believe that tragedies happen, nature happens. Bad things happen. God has no control over any of this. I would never want to believe in a God who takes away two beautiful baby girls from beyond deserving parents, a God who takes away a young father and loving husband, a God who lets one family experience death three times in less then two years. For those who say God has a "plan"...what kind of plan involves letting two beautiful baby girls die? What kind of plan is it that? I don't believe any of it. I believe my God is all loving, he is mourning too, he is with all of us comforting us, healing us, giving us strength. He is so sad that this happened, he never wanted this to happen, but now they are back with him and we have two beautiful little angels watching over us. God is good.
I wish there was a way to ease the pain of my sister and her husband. I wish I could help heal their broken hearts. I wish I could fast forward through this part, or even better, rewind and never let this happen. I wish so many things. I hate that they are experiencing this pain, the grief, is all consuming, exhausting, unforgiving. I know it all too well. Jill and I are so close we often described our sisterhood as "twins", I am heartbroken, I hate to see her face so sad, I cry and cry thinking of her pain, the loss, the emptiness. All I can do is pray for them. I pray that they heal, they keep their Faith, I pray that they let June 21st forever change their lives...but for the better. I pray that this makes them stronger, I pray they don't blame God or think God did this to them, I pray that they go on to have more beautiful children.
I pray for the grandparents of Annie and Bella. They are so sad, their dreams shattered too. Twins, the twins, a complete surprise!...they would say. We are twice as blessed, twice as lucky...our families would grow twice as fast. I pray for my Mother, who always told me "you are only as happy as your most unhappy child" ...to now have to witness another daughter grieve such tragic loss, to not have the right words to comfort her (because there are no words) to watch her every move, hoping she is OK, to wonder if she is going to break down and to try so, so hard to cheer her up. Her only salvation is knowing Brian is her husband, and together, they will get through this. I pray for Annie and Bella's Aunts and Uncles, how excited we are were, what a blessing, what a mircale, how much fun our familes were about to have. All are hurting, we were the God Parents, the ones giving advice, always cheering Jill and Brian on, you can do this, you were meant to have twins, this will be so incredible!
The term "broken heart". I never had experienced a broken heart before Alec died and unless you experience direct loss, you really never know how much it does hurt. After he died, my heart literally felt as if it were in two, it hurt, like a broken leg might hurt, it ached and ached, and I really never thought it could heal. Here I am 20 months later and I can say that it does heal. It takes time, a lot of time. It takes understanding, acceptance, it takes gratitude, grace, forgiving. Jill and Brian...you must allow joy to come back to your heart, it is not easy, but it is essential. Smiling, laughing, loving, all these things you think you will never feel again, but with time and with the help from God, family and friends, you can and you will. Annie and Bella are forever your little baby girls, but you will love another baby as much as you love them, I promise.
Annie and Bella changed our lives. They showed more love than some people do in a lifetime. These two precious little girls brought us even closer to God, they made us laugh, cry, love...they are my two nieces whom I will never, ever, ever forget. I look forward to seeing them again someday, but until then, I can find comfort in knowing they are in good hands and Uncle Alec is going to to take care of them, love them, and be with them always.
Jill and Brian, thank you for allowing us to meet and hold and love Annie and Bella. Thank you for sharing those precious moments with us. Thank you for sharing the baptism of your beautiful angels. I love you. I admire your strength, your Faith. I admire your marriage, your love for each other. I believe you are teaching us all, you are an inspiration, you are amazing. You both will heal, you will love again. The hurt will lessen, you will feel joy, happiness, you will be the incredible parents you are meant to be. God, Annie and Bella are with you always.
"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends." Corinthians 13:7-8
With So Much Love,
Heather
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