Our Journey Begins...: August 2013

It is hard to believe it is August already. I wish I could say this has been a great summer, but with the loss of Annie and Bella, summer has been a struggle. Our family is still trying to grasp what happened and although we have so much to be thankful for, and have had some sunny summer days, we are coping and trying to heal. Until Jill and Brian are holding a baby in their arms, I don't think we will be able to fully enjoy any season.

Chase continues to make us all smile and bring so much joy to my family. He loves summer and the beach, just like his Momma. We have busy fun filled days, beach bummin, hiking, biking and of course fishing. He now runs a mile with me on one of our favorite trails, and when I slow down he yells..."run Mama run!"

We did have the Second Annual Alec Cyr striper Tournament and it was a success. Thank you to all who donated, participated, fished and prayed for fish. The Captains Party started the weekend off with great prizes, food, drinks and a DJ. The weather was perfect all 3 days, a little hot but that meant I could fish and sunbathe at the same time. Fishing was slow for the first two days but early Sunday morning we found a feeding frenzy in the river and caught the first 4 stripers for Team Cyr. We caught 5 fish for Team Cyr, the largest was caught by me of course!

This year I took the fishing part a little less seriously, I already have my name on that trophy, I know how to catch fish, I didn't have to prove anything to myself (or Alec for that matter!). We were still out there at the crack of dawn, fishing, fishing, fishing, and we didn't give up until the last second. As luck would have it, Dan, Charlotte's boyfriend caught the biggest fish, a 36 inch striper while on Alec's boat. I was really happy for Dan. He has been fishing a lot lately, trying to learn the ways of the fish, the when's, why's and where's, and it paid off. Team Smith, my good friend Dan, his brother and nephew took home the trophy. 10 stripers with the biggest average, I was thrilled for Team Smith. Dan knows his own fair share of heartache, he lost his 8 year old daughter in a boating accident years ago. The trophy couldn't go to a more deserving team.

Being on the water brings me so much happiness. I can feel Alec with me, and sometimes I can see him too. A beautiful sunset, a rainbow, I know he is always with us. But it also brought me to a place I hadn't been in a while, I really, really missed him. I started to think of what my life "should" be. He should be on his boat, he should be with his wife and son, he should be here with his sisters and mom, he should have been reminiscing with his college buddies who came up. I found myself becoming emotional and sad for what I had lost and for what should be and I cried, let the flood gates open, let myself wallow for a little bit. Why shouldn't I be sad, I had the perfect life. It's funny how the grief process plays out, I had been in such a good place for such a long time, and I was really looking forward to the weekend. And then bam, it hits me, like a giant wave and I can't seem to get out from under it. So I let it take me, to the dark place, having Faith that I will get through and there is a light at the end. Maybe it was losing Annie and Bella that has brought me back to this place, being with Jill and Brian who are still feeling such pain and heartache, who are still so far from ever feeling peace again.

I finally had to turn to who I know best and who I trust the most, my Heavenly Father. I prayed for strength and prayed to feel the gratitude that I have been so fortunate to feel along this journey. I have so much to be thankful for. I look at my life, my son, friends, family, my husband who I loved so dearly, and the possibility of new love, a new kind of happiness, new beginnings, and I think, yes, I am lucky, very, very lucky.

My life is so beautiful and I wouldn't trade it for anything. And I continue to grow and learn from this experience. I am learning to not be so hard on myself, it is normal to still feel sad and to grieve, even if it is almost 2 years later. I am learning that time does help, but it never really heals. I am learning that I may have days where I am sad, and that is OK. I am learning how to help my sister like she helped me, she use to just let me cry and she would cry with me. She never said a word, never tried to make sense of anything, never tried to cheer me up, we just cried and that is all you really want and need most of the time.

Thank you all who continue to pray, support and show your love to our family. It has been a hard road, but we know the best is yet to be, and together we can get through anything.

Happy 2 year Anniversary to Jill and Brian...that wedding was a day of pure joy and the beginning of something very special.

And to those who supported the fishing tournament, it meant so much. Alec would be so proud!