Happy Birthday Alec, So Long 2014.

Yesterday, December 30th would have been Alec's 38th Birthday.  I always felt bad for people who had Birthdays so close to Christmas.  But Alec never seemed to mind.  His Mom would take a 100 dollar bill and create a scavenger hunt which would send him all over the house, finally leading him to his money.  And Alec totally played into the whole thing as we all chased him around, helping with the clues.  His Mom and I think that we should have Chase do it next year, and I agree!  It was a fun way to celebrate a Birthday, and every Birthday should be celebrated!  

Yesterday Chase drew some pictures for his Daddy.  When I asked what it was, he said "This is Momma, this is Dada and this is a rocket ship!"  It was so cute, I wondered if he drew the rocket ship to fly to heaven and see Dada.

So often I get through my day being thankful for what I had and what I now have.  But sometimes, I think of what should be and what is not.  Those feelings cause great sadness.  Saturday night we went to see Alec's favorite comedian, Bob Marley...I laughed so hard my cheeks hurt. But then we got home and that sadness crept in, and I thought how Jill and Brian should have had their twin girls with them (and probably would not have been able to go out!), I thought how Alec should have been the one that was enjoying the show, with his wife and family.  I get mad, I get sad, I cry.  Then I wake up to a new day, and remember I am here, he is not, and I have to live this life the best I can.

I think about how I would be teasing Alec...probably calling him an old geezer.  I wonder what he would look like now, would his hair be thinning?  Would he have any grays?  I guess that is one benefit of dying young, I will always remember him with his thick hair (2 gray hairs that I could find) and his athletic build.  I remember his hands, I loved his hands.  My friend Erin who lost her Dad when she was 5 said she still remembers her fathers hands...she visualizes his hands often so that she won't forget. That advice I took and I do the same now.  I know I will someday hold his hands again, until then I will dream about them.

I don't really know how to wrap up 2013.  It wasn't good...I lost my two nieces, I watched my sister and her husband grieve the death of their daughters, my family was thrown back into the midst of sadness, our hearts were torn open again, our dreams crushed.  The second year of my journey through grief tested me even greater than the first year.  Just when I thought we were getting back to a new normal, the floor was taken out from underneath us, we were sucker punched in the gut, our Faith in the Lord was again tested.  But, somehow we made it through, we pulled together, we prayed, we had HOPE.  And that is just about all a family can do.

Saturday night we toasted to a happier, healthy 2014, so long 2013...you stunk like beef and cheese.

A Baby Changes Everything.

Reverend Jan asked if I would like to share a couple words at the Christmas Eve Service on how having a baby impacted my life, in the midst of losing Alec.  I was honored and flattered and found it to be one of the easiest things I had ever written (good thing because I wrote it at 3:25 and church was at 4:00).  The theme of the night was "A Baby Changes Everything"  The Faith Hill song that I happen to love.  I thought I would share.  What made this even more special, as I was finishing, Chase wondered up to the pulpit, brought me an angel he had made at the kids table, I picked him up and he said into the microphone "Merry Christmas!" and what made us all burst into laughter was as we were walking down he let out a very loud, clear (and very fake!) "AHHHH CHOOOO!!!  God, thank you for this Child!  

A Baby Changes Everything.

Never a day goes by when I don’t thank the lord for sending my son.  It was a miracle, in the wake of my husband’s illness and the challenges we faced that we were able to have a baby. A true miracle. 

In the aftermath of my husband’s death I had a 5 month old who depended on me…however, as time went on, it became evident to me that I needed, that we all needed this baby.  This baby, who is now a talkative, tumbling two year old boy has brought more joy and laughter and smiles, than I ever could have imagined.  He has made our dark days light; he has taught us all to believe.  Maybe it is his innocence, his sense of wonder, his appetite for life, his hugs that can melt your heart, or maybe it is his undeniable resemblance to his Daddy, or maybe it is just as the song goes, a Baby Changes Everything. 

A baby is Hope, Joy, Love.  A baby teaches us to love on a whole new level, even when you thought you may never love again.  A baby brings families together, a baby reminds us all that despite great sadness and loss, life goes on and it is still wonderful.

I follow this child of God…I pause beside him to marvel at the beautiful sunset he sees, I kneel down beside him as he smells each spring flower that grows, I follow him down trails that I normally wouldn't take, I splash in the waves and dance in the rain along with him…to see the world through the eyes of a child…there is no greater gift.

And tonight I remember my two precious nieces, Annie and Bella.  Who were born too soon, but just long enough for us to kiss their sweet foreheads and whisper I love yous, before they were sent back to heaven. The impact these little girls had on my life...it is indescribable.  Again, a baby changes everything. 

And I thank The Lord, for giving me the most precious gift of all, his Child…our baby Chase….

In the words of Faith Hill...

My whole life has turned around

I was lost but now I'm found

A baby changes everything.

Christmas Eve

4 years ago tonight...Christmas Eve, we walked into a quaint seaside church that forever changed our lives.  Magical...is the one word I use to describe Union Church.  Thank you to my church family, for lifting me up during my darkest, for celebrating the joys in my life, for the love you give me and my son and my family and most importantly for teaching me to believe in The Lord, and being a true example of what it means to serve God.  I love you, I thank you, and wish you all a very Merry Christmas!!!  

I once was lost, but now I'm found, 'twas blind, but now I see.  Amazin Grace.  

Christmas...a time of light, love and hope.

Guess What!?  Christmas is Coming!

Chase loves to announce this, to me, to strangers, to his friends at school.  I have never seen a 2 and a half year old so excited about Christmas.  He wakes up in the morning and immediately wants his Santa hat, and then wants to go look at our Christmas tree.

While I am thoroughly enjoying this time of year with my little guy, there is my sister, Jill, who is not.  And it got me thinking.  This will be my third Christmas without Alec, and Christmas, is something the three of us never even got to experience together.  But even the first Christmas without him was not as hard as I had anticipated. It was a welcomed distraction, and my first Christmas with my little baby, whom I got to hold onto every night and take sweet photos of, and make adorable Christmas cards and take him to see Santa, and buy endless presents for.

But as I talked to my sister, I realized why she is having a particularly hard time right now...it is because she and her husband have none of that.  They don't get to put little Santa hats on Annie and Bella and send out cards with their sweet innocent faces on them, there are no "Baby's First Christmas" ornaments to be hung on their tree, no cute pictures with Santa.  There is no gift buying for their two precious little girls, there is nothing but empty arms and broken hearts.  And I realized how lucky I am, to have my little boy who I can wrap my arms around and tell him "I Love You" and sometimes hear him say it back.

For me, the hard days come unexpectedly.  New Years Eve, which never really meant much to me, I now find myself feeling incredibly lonely, sad, hopeless.  A Holiday in which is supposed to mean "new!" and "fresh start" and looking back on the "wonderful year you had", that is my sad, that's when I am at my lowest.

Jill one time pointed out to me the very ironic part of our experiences...I have the baby, but no husband, she has the husband, but no baby.  Which one is worse?  No one knows and we never will.  And then the kicker...My Husband is in Heaven with her Babies.  Just doesn't seem to make any sense.

As Chase and I hung our Newtown Angels on our tree again this year, my heart ached for the families left behind, how are they doing?  How do they get through this time?  But I do know how they will get through, how Jill and Brian will get through...the same way I make it through my worst days...there is HOPE, LOVE, FAITH, there is JOY, LIGHT, and GOD always...but especially during this season...it is undeniable...and it is what keeps us from breaking and it is what keeps us BELIEVING and allows us to live another day.  

At least we can be sure that Alec, Annie and Bella are enjoying Christmas from heaven this year.  It must be truly spectacular...simply beautiful...

My favorite Christmas time poem...(not sure who to give credit for writing it to, there are many alleged authors out there).

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below 

With tiny lights like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow. 

The sight is so spectacular please wipe away that tear 

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. 

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear 

But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here. 

I have no words to tell you of the joy their voices bring 

For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing. 

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. 

I can't tell you of the splendor or the peace here in this place 

Can you just imagine Christmas with our Savior face to face? 

I'll ask him to lift your spirit as I tell you of your love 

So, then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above. 

Please let your hearts be joyful and let your spirit sing 

For I am spending Christmas in heaven and I'm walking with the King.

Laughter is the best medicine...Alec would have loved this one!

When delivering Christmas cookies to a neighbor...

Neighbor - "Jill, thank you!" 

Me - "I am Heather, not Jill"

Neighbor - "Oh Heather, I didn't recognize you, you look so pretty today...I thought you were Jill!"

Haha, gotta love honest, old people, and to my sister...good thing I love you!

Silent Night.

Christmas caroling at the prelude last weekend.  

Christmas is Coming!

We hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  We had a great day with family and enjoyed delicious turkey too.  Chase loved seeing his cousins and sitting at the "kids table" for real this year.  And he learned some seriously funny dance moves from his cousin Josh, he now shows everyone "gonna dance like Josh" and then boogies on down. 

It is beginning to look a lot like Christmas around here!  

Chase keeps saying "Guess what Mama!?"  

"What Chase?"  

"Christmas is coming!"    

I don't think he knows what Christmas is quite yet, he calls pretty lights Christmas, and trees are just "Christmas" pretty much anything related to Christmas is just called "Christmas!"  I like it!  Makes it easier!  

Chase has seen Santa twice already...he is still not sure what he thinks of the big guy whose lap he gets to sit on.  But he gets candy canes when he does and I am pretty sure that's all it takes for this kid!

And...I have a confession.  Alec and I agreed on a lot, and when we didn't, I still usually somehow got my way.  However, he never, ever budged on tinsel.  He put his foot down on that one. So this year, while buying more lights at the Christmas Tree Shop, I came upon tinsel...my eyes lit up...my heart raced...should I do it?  Should I go for it!?  Would he be mad?  Could he be mad from Heaven?  Then...I thought, well too bad Alec, you left me so I get to do tinsel if I want to do tinsel!

And I went for it.  Then after...I looked at my tree with much dismay...it looked so cheesy and I felt dirty...like I was cheater.  I guess he was right after all.  But then I gave it a day...then two...and now I kinda like it.  And my little rebellion feels quite good...I must say.  I mean, I do everything right...the way that Alec would want it...and I bet at some point, if he were alive, I would have snuck the tinsel home and and spread some tinsel love all over our tree and then maybe would have blamed it on Chase, and Alec probably would have been mad at first, but then maybe he would have liked it after all, and I would have gotten my way once again ;)  SO I guess the moral of the story...tinsel is still wicked awesome.  And, its OK for me to do what I want to do...I am here he is up there and you probably aren't allowed to get mad in heaven so like Chase says pbbbbbllllll (that is the sound of him sticking his tongue out at me and making that funny noise).

Hmmm...

All Chase ever wants is tractors, trucks and trains Santa!

Little hike with Papa and Gammy.

Out looking for the perfect tree.

Me and my little Elf.

Chase loves wearing Santa hats!  

"I look so cute!"  he says

"Look at me!:

Decorating the Christmas tree...

With all our favorite ornaments.

So many special ones...

Me and my little Buddy.

He comes down every morning like he is seeing it for the first time.

Of course we had to put a pretty basket by Daddy and Annie and Bella!

CHase had just eaten a cidar donut...covered in sugar and would not stop licking his fingers...I had to hold his hands down and then his fingers went right back into his mouth!

It wasn't until he got his candy cane he would stop licking his little fingers!  

A Grateful Heart.

I am Grateful.  It says so on my wrist.

I always say my prayers, especially with Chase after we read a book.  It starts like this: "Dear God, thank you for all you have blessed us with"  And then, we go down the list of family and friends who need special prayers...prayers for strength, hope, healing.

And sometimes...when I am too tired to say hardly anything...I simply whisper, "thank you".  And God knows...exactly what I am referring to.

But also, so many times throughout the day I thank Him.  It is part of me now really...like saying "God Bless You"  when someone sneezes, I say "Thank You" when I see Him.  In the sky...out in the ocean...walking through the woods...at church...in good news...or when I feel Him present...I thank Him.  Why wait until night when I pray?  Why wait until Thanksgiving to be Thankful for all I have?

Living a grateful life has transformed me...from a sad widow with a broken heart to a grateful young woman who was fortunate enough to have loved deeply and experienced a lifetime of joy, sadness, hope and healing, all in a very short amount of time.  But I am grateful for all of it...because it makes my life better, sweeter...it puts things into perspective, the little things do not matter.  I see things differently then most, I have learned that life is sacred, precious, that there are no guarantees...people you love may not be here tomorrow...losing someone you love more than anything really does change everything. 

Having a heart full of gratitude does not mean that I do not grieve and mourn for my loss, I do that plenty. Tears still flow regularly, and my heart still hurts and yearns for what could have been...and sometimes, I just plain miss him. But I have come to realize that it is all part of this process and some day it will be less...and less...and less...and my gratitude will only grow...and grow and with a grateful heart...there is less room for sadness.

As we all gather around the table tomorrow to give thanks and eat and laugh...of course I will be thankful...but no more thankful tomorrow than any other day.  I get to live every day in Thanksgiving...and for that I am grateful.

Chase and I wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving tomorrow.

"Can you see the holiness in those things you take for granted-a paved road or a washing machine?  if you concentrate on finding what is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul." - Rabbi Harold Kushner

"Saying thank you is more than good manners.  It is good spirituality" - Alfred Painter

November Sky

For some pictures there are no words...

Thank You!

Last Sunday was our third year in participating in the Rear In Gear 5K.  I am truly amazed, blessed and humbled by the donations made, participants signed up and the LOVE that surrounds us on this day.  I was describing it to someone the other day..."it feels like my wedding day, each year, to have everyone I love in one place, I could not enjoy any day more than this day!"  Seriously, between my high school friends, college friends, my family, Alec's family, his college friends, and his childhood friends, it is such an incredible feeling, to know how many people care and want to be there for this day.  To say we are Blessed is an understatement.  We had over 80 people on our team, and at least 100 who came out in the frigid cold, wet, damp, raw, Sunday morning to run 3 miles and gather for food and drinks after.  I am beyond grateful for each and every one of you!

Our team, "Faith, Hope, Love" won "Most Spirited" this year, and we came in second for most money raised and largest team.  I learned who beat us, Team Jeanine, she was a 38 year old wife, mother of a little boy, and died of colon cancer this past April.  We were so happy to have Rich Ruffing and his clan on our team this year, his wife died this past winter after a long battle,Rich is a co-worker of my mother and fellow MGH chemo friends to Alec and I.  We were also joined again by Mark Vandette's family, who lost Mark a year little over a year and a half ago.  We ran for TJ, the 30 year old college alum of my sister who continues his battle and was unable to attend this year.  Unfortunately, our circle of those affected by colon cancer continues to grow, and they seem to get younger.

This race raises awareness and if we can save one life from this disease, just one, than it is all worth it.

I wish I could show my gratitude to all who supported us, my heart overflowed with joy on Sunday and the days after.  I am so thankful, I pray every night, and I just thank God for every single amazing person in my life.  I love you all.

Our awesome tshirts!  

Amy and Ally, my friends since second grade!  

Alec's good college friends, Todd and Stef!

Chase and Jaime, one of Alec's best friends from childhood.

Alec's best college friend and  best man, Ralph and his girlfriend Renee.  

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Some of my friends and their spouses, and Kate all the way from CA!  

Jill and I, thank you Jill for all you did to make the race another success!

My best friend Liz and me!  

2 of my best friends from Highschool!

My Dad and 2 of his girls

John and Jaime, Alec's best friends and two very special people to me and Chase.  

Alec's Mom, me and Chase.

Alec's sister, Chase and Mimi!  

We have done too many races together to count!  Sisters who run together stay together!  

Chase and Auntie Jill!

A ribbon in memory my cousin Josh's classmates father, a 35 year old father and husband taken too soon.   

Mark Vandettes Dad and Brother.

Our kick a@% sign....thanks Stef!  

My Bishop Feehan girls, friends forever!  

Runner girls.

Me and Amy, who married Keith last summer, Alec's college buddy.

UCONN guys and girls!  

Me and Caitlin and her belly.

My Salve friends!  

The ones that missed the race because they were too hungover...its OK, Alec would be proud!  No kids for a night...it happens!  

Couldn't ask for better friends than who I have in my life!