Chase loves to announce this, to me, to strangers, to his friends at school. I have never seen a 2 and a half year old so excited about Christmas. He wakes up in the morning and immediately wants his Santa hat, and then wants to go look at our Christmas tree.
While I am thoroughly enjoying this time of year with my little guy, there is my sister, Jill, who is not. And it got me thinking. This will be my third Christmas without Alec, and Christmas, is something the three of us never even got to experience together. But even the first Christmas without him was not as hard as I had anticipated. It was a welcomed distraction, and my first Christmas with my little baby, whom I got to hold onto every night and take sweet photos of, and make adorable Christmas cards and take him to see Santa, and buy endless presents for.
But as I talked to my sister, I realized why she is having a particularly hard time right now...it is because she and her husband have none of that. They don't get to put little Santa hats on Annie and Bella and send out cards with their sweet innocent faces on them, there are no "Baby's First Christmas" ornaments to be hung on their tree, no cute pictures with Santa. There is no gift buying for their two precious little girls, there is nothing but empty arms and broken hearts. And I realized how lucky I am, to have my little boy who I can wrap my arms around and tell him "I Love You" and sometimes hear him say it back.
For me, the hard days come unexpectedly. New Years Eve, which never really meant much to me, I now find myself feeling incredibly lonely, sad, hopeless. A Holiday in which is supposed to mean "new!" and "fresh start" and looking back on the "wonderful year you had", that is my sad, that's when I am at my lowest.
Jill one time pointed out to me the very ironic part of our experiences...I have the baby, but no husband, she has the husband, but no baby. Which one is worse? No one knows and we never will. And then the kicker...My Husband is in Heaven with her Babies. Just doesn't seem to make any sense.
As Chase and I hung our Newtown Angels on our tree again this year, my heart ached for the families left behind, how are they doing? How do they get through this time? But I do know how they will get through, how Jill and Brian will get through...the same way I make it through my worst days...there is HOPE, LOVE, FAITH, there is JOY, LIGHT, and GOD always...but especially during this season...it is undeniable...and it is what keeps us from breaking and it is what keeps us BELIEVING and allows us to live another day.
At least we can be sure that Alec, Annie and Bella are enjoying Christmas from heaven this year. It must be truly spectacular...simply beautiful...
My favorite Christmas time poem...(not sure who to give credit for writing it to, there are many alleged authors out there).
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular please wipe away that tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you of the joy their voices bring
For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I can't tell you of the splendor or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas with our Savior face to face?
I'll ask him to lift your spirit as I tell you of your love
So, then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above.
Please let your hearts be joyful and let your spirit sing
For I am spending Christmas in heaven and I'm walking with the King.
Laughter is the best medicine...Alec would have loved this one!
When delivering Christmas cookies to a neighbor...
Neighbor - "Jill, thank you!"
Me - "I am Heather, not Jill"
Neighbor - "Oh Heather, I didn't recognize you, you look so pretty today...I thought you were Jill!"
Haha, gotta love honest, old people, and to my sister...good thing I love you!
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