Chase...my super hero.

I know everyone loves their child.  And I know that we think they are the greatest in the whole wide world.

But I think Chase is especially special.  I wish I could quantify how many people he has made smile, laugh, how much joy he has brought this world, how many days he has made brighter.  Not just me, or his grandparents, or aunts and uncles, or friends...every person he comes in contact with.  He is loved by everyone, his family, his friends, church, neighbors, everyone he meets he leaves a mark on their heart.  He has set record "likes" on instagram and Facebook, he radiates love, light and joy, he is literally a ray of sunshine.  

I have been a wife, a daughter, a sister, but never have I been more proud to be Mom to Chase.  I don't know what it is about this kid, but he is so darn special.  

He is thoughtful and kind, warm and funny, loving and entertaining.  He is fearless and creative...he will break out in dance in front of a crowd of strangers, he will talk to anyone, he will hug and kiss you, especially if you need it.  He is gentle and sweet, reflective and spiritual.  He is everything and more I would want my child to be.  He is independent, strong, and fun.  He makes me stop, think, listen, look, and soak in the beauty of the day.  Out of no where he will exclaim "It's a beautiful day!"  Or sometimes, "Guess what? Chicken butt!"  Or "Mom, Barney has no swag"  (umm...OK, Chase, good thing I had to look up what "swag" meant.  And the other day, singing "Old MacDonald had a farm, and on his farm he had monster mash" (our favorite ice cream flavor)...I never know what is going to come out of his sweet little mouth.

He is now potty trained and sleeping in a big boy bed, both in which I have been OK with, but he recently started calling me "Mom".  I am having a hard time with this one.  But then at night, when I am laying in bed, and he is laying in his bed, he yells out "Good night Mom, I love you!"  And then "Mom" doesn't sound so bad.  

I simply love being his Mom.  Going to the grocery store...he is that child that everyone talks to.  He is charismatic, he talks with his hands, he makes eye contact, he shakes older gentlemen's hands, he flirts with pretty much any female young or old, he helps me get groceries, he asks politely for a slice of cheese at the deli.  

I have yet to say I do not want him to get older or stay a baby.  Every day, every month, every year he grows into an incredible young man.  He is special.  He is here for a reason.  He was made with so much love, so much hope, so much faith.  He is a child of God and he is going to make a difference in this world.  I love him beyond measure.

Chase, you make this world a better place, thank you.

How lucky I am to have a real life super hero sleeping in the bedroom next to me.  

I am so blessed to live this life, what a gift I have been given.  

  

Tri-For-A-Cure 2014

Tri N' for a Cure.

Today I swam....biked...and ran in Tri-For-A-Cure, an all women's triathlon in beautiful Portland, Maine.  It was pretty awesome to see so many women gathered, trained and ready to go, each with their own story of how cancer has touched their lives.  The first wave of athletes are the "survivors" the women who have had cancer and either are cured or in remission.  I also think there should be a "survivor" group for women like me, because I am a survivor too.  I not only survived cancer,  but I survived LOSS, A BROKEN HEART...I survived life without HIM.  And just like those women who have been through hell and back, so have I.  And we persevered, came out stronger, wiser, full of gratitude, and grace.  

At one point I had to shake my head and laugh at myself.  And I don't know if I should be more ashamed about my lack of training or if I should be bragging.  To prepare for today, I took one spin class... last week. I did not swim, not once.  I have been running...a lot and fast.  But other than that I did nothing.  I drank a couple cape-codders yesterday (the day before the race) and ate way too much dessert.  I got home at 10:00 pm from MA, and opened for the first time the "athlete guide".  After a quick glance, I set my alarm for 4:15 am and went to bed.  I woke up at 5:00 am, on my own, after realizing I had set my alarm for 4:15 pm.  I had written a list and put it in my bathroom sink so I wouldn't forget, you know the important things...goggles/wetsuit/bike/helmut.

I scrambled to gather these items and ran out the door only to realize I had no gas and no idea where I was going.  Gas stop, google map, and 45 minutes behind, I was on my way.  

My wetsuit, I found in my garage (this morning) and it was too big and pretty much did nothing for me as I swam in 55 degree water.  My bike...was my Dad's that he loaned me just yesterday and is from 1985 and I hadn't even tested it, not even sure how to change the gears.  But none of that mattered, because I can do anything.  Through my life I have been way more unprepared and to be honest, nothing can really shake me or make me nervous or "ruffle" me, after navigating my way through the last three years, a triathlon seems so trivial.  

And that is me.  I am that girl, that looks so amateur and unprepared, but somehow I pull it all together and cross the finish line.  Somehow I pass women who have all the "get up" and fancy equipment and look way more determined than me.  And I am smiling the entire way, and every single women I passed, I cheered on, because we are all in this together, and just like I don't know her story, she doesn't know mine.  

As I approached the last few hundred feet, I see my little superman, holding a sign, cheering on his Mom.  And my heart bursts with JOY, with GRATITUDE and I realize, I really can do ANYTHING...my life is awesome.  

Next year, I am going to train, because I swam well, I biked well, but then I ran like the wind.  No one passed me.  After 1/3 mile swim, 14.7 mile bike, I ran 3 miles in 21.59, a personal best, a 7:20 minute mile, something I have never done, even without swimming and biking first.  I came in 14th place out of 605 place for the run.  I didn't think it was possible for me to ever run so fast...but trying to keep up with my new "running partner", I have had to step it up a few (dozen) notches.  And  I have learned it is possible, as with anything in life.  

Tonight I over-indulged on a homemade brownie sunday, and Chase massaged my feet and gave me a "makeover" (I have absolutely no idea where this came from, but I liked it!)  Although he told me I did not look good, even after he put "glitter" in my hair, "painted" my teeth and put "lip shadow" on my eyes and lips.  

I go to bed happy and thankful for this beautiful life.  

3rd Annual Alec Cyr Striper Tournament!

We had the 3rd Annual Alec Cyr Fishing Tournament last weekend and despite the fact that Team Cyr did not even have a bite...not even a darn nibble, it was still an awesome weekend filled with family, friends, fun and (no fish!).

I was not as crazy as I have been known to be (I really have quite the reputation for wanting to win that trophy!)  But the last 2 years I had fished so much, all weekend long, with little sleep, little to eat and little time with all our friends and family that had come up to spend time with me.  I decided that my first priority would be enjoying the and not get so stressed about fishing...and it was worth it.

The Captain's Party was a record breaker for us, with over 100 people attending, and almost $9,000.00 raised for the Back Pack Food Program.  It was so much fun, just a big party and pretty much everyone goes home with a prize.  I am so grateful for all the donations, everything from restaurant gift certificates, to lures, to my friend Catherine who makes the most beautiful hand painted lobster glasses which are auctioned off at $150.00 per set.  My friends, Alec's friends...they all drive for hours (some only to turn right back around that night) I am always in awe of the generosity and support they have all given me and my family the last few years.  It just goes to show how special Alec was...and continues to be.

The Rotary Club of Saco Bay is such a wonderful group of men and women who volunteer so much time and energy into these charities.  They are an inspiration to me, their passion and devotion to serving the community, I am always left amazed by what they do and so thankful to work with them through this tournament.

The winners of this years tournament was a Grandfather/Grandson team who caught a half a dozen stripers, the largest was 40'.  Pretty impressive.  Congrats guys.

To all those who donated, participated, and made last weekend possible, I am so grateful for you.  To be out on the water on Alec's boat fishing like the old days, there is nothing that brings me closer to him.  It brings me peace, joy, gratitude...and makes me so happy that we continue to make this tournament possible and spend a weekend doing what Alec loved to do most.

I can not thank you all enough!!  Chase and I are SO BLESSED!

Every year the Rotary Club asks me to come in and talk about Alec and the tournament...here is what I read this year...always with a Grateful Heart :)

Thank you for having me here, and for supporting the third annual Alec Cyr Striper Tournament. 

Since this is my third year, I was worried I may run out of things to say, next year my son Chase will be up here.  The first year I talked about Alec, about how much fishing meant to us, about colon cancer, and about how much I loved and missed him.  The second year I talked about living without him, learning to captain his boat and also bragging about how much more fish I caught and how much bigger they were then his and how my team won the trophy. 

And that brings me to year three.  And I think about how I got here, to this place, a place of peace.  And one word comes to mind, one word has carried me through, one word that has made all the difference in the world to my grieving heart.  

Grateful.

How can my entire life crash before me, how could I lose everything I ever wanted and then go on living? 

I reflect back to when I was newly married and before Alec was sick.  He would take his toothbrush and tap it against the sink, and the spit, toothpaste would splatter up on the mirror.  And every darn day I would look into that mirror and see little splashes of white on the mirror.  I would tease him about it, then wash it away, but after 6 months or so, I was over it, and I wanted him to stop doing that!  Why do you have to tap the side of the sink!?  There is no need!  Just place your toothbrush back in the holder like a normal person!   

And then, Alec got cancer.  And every time I saw those little splatter spots on the mirror, I became grateful for them and I never again asked him to stop.  Grateful…for spit splatter.  Sounds so silly now.  But what if some day they were gone?  What if I never had to wipe those splatter spots away again?   

And then he died  And I never again saw another spot on my mirror.   

And I tried to live without him, I tried to smile, to laugh, but it was hard.  

Gratitude changed my life.  I started to think, if I am grateful for what I had, then it is harder to be sad for what is gone.  So much so, that I had the word “Grateful” tattooed on my wrist.  For every time my heart would ache or I could sense the feeling of grief about to strike, I would look down at my wrist and be reminded that I am grateful…Grateful for experiencing love, and new life and even grateful for what cancer taught me and yes, even  grateful to experience death.   And this new way of thinking worked.  2 summers ago, my best friend got married, to one of Alec’s college friends.  Sitting and watching them exchange vows during that ceremony was one of the hardest moments of my life.  I was surrounded by not only dozens of my friends, happily married, starting families, but also dozens of Alec’s friends, and this couple saying their vows met because of Alec and I.  And then there was me…alone…widowed…with a broken heart.  As I was about to lose my composure, during the middle of their vows, I simply looked down at my wrist, at the words etched into my skin, fresh from the night before…and  amazingly, gratitude filled my heart.  I had a love, that some people never have, I have a beautiful son because of it, I have a perspective and a life that some only dream about…I have a new beginning, I have a whole new life ahead of me and I get to live it with a grateful heart, how lucky am I?

I have learned that you can not be mad, or sad, or angry or feel sorry for yourself when you are grateful.  

Many times throughout the last two and half years, a darkness still manages to creep back and I start to feel sad for what I have lost.  Then I look down at my wrist…and I look up to the sky, and I whisper “thank you”.  I thank God, I thank Alec, I thank anyone who may be listening.  Thank you for giving me a perspective on life where I have the ability to feel gratitude for spit on a mirror, I feel grateful to change my sons dirty diaper, I am grateful to my in-laws (and for some that can rank right up there with dirty diapers!)  grateful I have to mow my lawn in the morning or clean my car.  Why?  Because I have all these things, I have a beautiful healthy son, I have in-laws who love and would do anything for us, I have a lawn to mow and a car to clean.  

Gratitude really does change everything.  Why is it some people can have nothing, but feel like they have all they need and more?  Why is it others have more than enough, yet they are never satisfied.  What is the difference between those two people? 

A grateful heart.  

So next time you may be rolling your eyes or annoyed at someone in your life, or angry you have to be spending a Saturday working on your car or your yard,  just say thank you.  Thank you for my grass that grows so green, thank you for my car that gets me from one place to another, thank you for my children or spouse who love me unconditionally.  Thank you for allowing me to live this day, thank you for this breathe I take.

And I thank you all for allowing me to be here again, to share my story, to honor my husband through this tournament and thank you for all that you do for our community.  

I truly am grateful.