Getting By...

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas. We made the best of the day, and got through it. Never in my life did I think I would have to "get through" Christmas. I was told the days leading up to Christmas were harder than the actual day...every one says, "its so hard around the holidays". It is hard all the time in my opinion. Christmas came as a welcomed distraction to me, I was so busy shopping, baking, and doing all things Christmas I hardly had time to think. With it all behind me I am left once again stunned and bitter. Now that December is over, I am back to wondering why Alec is not here and what am I supposed to do next.



We had Christmas Eve in Kennebunkport, something me, Alec and his family had done the last 4 years. It was three Christmas Eves ago that we walked into Union Church and felt like we were in a magical place, the people, and the music was beautiful and the presence of God was undeniable. I was so happy that my family was able to come this year, and experience it for the first time. It was a beautiful service, and Jan mentioned Alec, whose picture was displayed amongst beautiful Christmas flowers. Chase got to participate in the service and was the cutest (and biggest) baby Jesus. He is our miracle and I know that Alec must have been so proud. During Alec's last days he liked it when I sang to him (he must have been on some good drugs to ask me to sing!). But he asked me more than once to sing Silent Night...a song that now brings me back to such an emotional and tender time. It was the last song I sang to him, and I think during those last few hours it brought us both peace and comfort. Silent Night was also the last song of the service and it was beautiful and it made me feel like Alec was there with us.



Chase and I were spoiled...Santa and our families were very good to us. And we received some very special gifts. Tina and Bob made us a "Hope Chest" with a verse from our wedding song on the top "Maybe you can walk with me a while. Maybe I can rest beneath your smile". It is very special. Charlotte made Chase a book with pictures of his Daddy doing all the things he loved to do, with captions under each, "Maybe some day you will grow up to be the captain of your very own boat!". My parents gave Chase and I am bag of beach gear and tickets to visit them in Florida this Spring. And many more special gifts, we really are so blessed.



Friday the 30th was Alec's Birthday. He would have been 36, I will never again mind turning a year older. Every Birthday is a milestone and should be celebrated. For Christmas I gave both our families tickets to Alec's favorite comedian, Bob Marley, which happened to be Friday night. I knew Alec would want us all laughing together (last New Years Eve we saw Bob and I was nervous Alec's stitches from his surgery were going to open he was laughing so hard). It was a great night with friends and our families and I know Alec was laughing right along with us.



On the 23rd Chase turned 7 months old. The 23rd of each month is a hard day, although it marks Chase as a month older, it also means Alec has been gone for another month. I hate the 23rd because it means it has been one month longer since I have last seen Alec. But it does mean Chase is a month older and he is a growing healthy baby boy, and I try to be grateful. I guess I can call it a bitter sweet kind of day.

And now it is New Years Eve and I am sad. The last few years I had been so optimistic that the next year was going to be better, that we were going to see the light at the end of the tunnel and be a family forever. I do not know what 2012 holds for us, all I know is that Alec is not here and I am going into a new year without him, looking into the future without him is overwhelming and scary. I know that with God, our Family and Friends, we will get by and be OK.

Thank you all for the never ending love and support and prayers. I am hoping that good things happen in 2012. At least we all know we have a very special gaurdian angel watching over us.

Love and God Bless,

Heather, Chase and Millie


Chase decided he wanted to eat the 7 month this time...

So This Is Christmas...

It is hard to believe that December is here and Christmas is coming, whether I am ready or not. And, I must admit, I am not. We have our tree up, thanks to my friends who helped Chase and I pick it out and decorate, and I am trying to do all the other Christmasy things, but my heart just isn't in it this year. I am usually that annoying person who has her Christmas music blasting on the radio from November 25 on and have all the presents bought and wrapped by now and usually I would have watched Elf a dozen times. To be honest, I am trying, but I am just going through the motions. Everyone says that getting through the Holidays is the hardest part, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Alec's Birthday on the 30th, New Years. It is hard because up until the Holidays, I felt like Alec was just away for a while. Reality hits hard lately, as I drove by Bass Pro Shop the other day, for a second I thought I needed to go in and buy Alec a Christmas present. Or then watching Jon Mogul cut down our tree, something I have seen Alec do for us the last 5 years, it hits me. He really is gone and I will never have those special moments with him again. I willl never buy him another fishing accessory, never again will I make him his favorite meals. I know I should cherish those memories that I did make with him, but right now I just miss him terribly and want to open my eyes and have this all have been a bad dream.

I get sad in the morning, when I am with Chase and he is so fun and happy and laughing and doing all these new cute things. Why isn't his Daddy here to witness this? Why is this all so unfair? Why did I allow myself to believe with all my heart that we would be a family, together forever?

Today at church, the third candle for Advent was lit and represented Joy. Jan had a few people stand up and talk about Joy and what Joys they had in their life. It got me thinking and I remember my heart would literally burst with Joy before Alec got sick. I had this perfect life, with a perfect husband, I felt so grateful, so happy, so lucky, so joyful. And now, my heart is heavy and broken and I wonder if I will ever feel that way again.

Friday, I saw a bald eagle. He was perched high in a tree, stoic, and still and I swear he was watching me. I know it was Alec, and I pulled over off the road to look up. I did not want to drive away, I wanted to talk to this eagle, and bring him home with me. But, I drove on, it made me smile and I did feel a little flutter of Joy in my heart. It is there, it is possible.



My life is so different now and it will take a long time to adjust. There are no more doctors appointments, no more waiting, no more long rides to and from MGH. I miss my old life because no matter how bad some days were, at least Alec was there with me to hold my hand through it.

I am very grateful for all that I do have and for my family and friends and for church. I can not imagine facing this alone.

Kendalle sent me a story today from the Globe. I read it, and I could relate all too well. I believed something with all my heart, and I thought that with enough Hope and Faith and Love, and Prayers, we could defy all the odds, make our own miracles happen. And then, two years later I am left broken hearted and lost. "Sometimes miracles don't take place on earth" often echos in my head. The nurse told me this as I looked at her with tears in my eyes, a couple days before Alec died "But it could still happen, right? A miracle? There is always a chance for miracle". She was right. Some miracles only happen in heaven.

From the Boston Globe...

Love and Losses Beyond Measure.

It wasn’t supposed to end like this. Not after all they have been through. Not after all the hope and prayers and therapies and people storming the heavens.

If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, nothing will be impossible to you.

That’s what we’re told.

They had faith. And they didn’t want to move anything as big as a mountain. All they wanted was to save a child, their child, to make their child well.

Cancer killed Charlotte Rose Kelly, just 5 years old. After a 2 1/2-year battle, the neuroblastoma that stole her childhood took her life last week.

Cystic fibrosis killed Mark Palermo, 24, who fought for his life for all of his life. Who had a lung transplant 20 months ago. Who got his miracle. Then died anyway the day after Charlotte.

Charlotte was her parent’s baby girl. She has two older brothers. Mark was his parents oldest and sole survivor, his brother and sister dead of the same disease that killed him.

Beloved children, both of them.

No one can prepare for this. No one signs up to have a sick child, to have the rug pulled out from under them, to sit in a hospital room day after day, scared, bewildered, stunned, battered, hoping and praying and begging God and all the saints for help. Not her. Not him. Please, God, please.

Bartering, bargaining, begging. ICU torture chambers, full of beeps and whirs and gurgles and bright lights, the pumps, the tubes, the toxins, machines and monitors, hell right here on earth, on Longwood Avenue, at the Cleveland Clinic, teams of specialists coming and going, going and coming.

Hope the last thing to go.

An uncle flew from Boston to Cleveland, just to place a relic at Mark’s side. It had saved others. Maybe it would save him. Charlotte’s parents prayed for a miracle right up to the end.

Both died anyway, despite the relics and prayers and begging.

You ask why. You shout ‘WHY?’ Why these children? Why these families? What about the mustard seed? They had faith that was way bigger than any seed. Their faith and their family and friends kept them going. A visible, solid, right-here-on-earth holy trinity.

If love could cure. If faith could cure.

Two years ago, there was a benefit at Medfield High to support the Palermo family. Last April, there was a walk on neuroblastoma in Braintree to support the Kellys.

People come out in droves for these things. Everyone wants to help. But in the end, though we can walk and give and pray and encourage, we can’t change what we can’t even begin to comprehend.

There is a Christmas song, “Mary, Did You Know?’’ “Mary, did you know that your baby boy would one day walk on water?’’ which basically asks, “Mary, did you know what you were getting into?’’

Does anyone know? Having children is the biggest act of faith. We are taught that our children are on loan. That they are not ours. That they come through us, but do not belong to us. That we and they belong to God.

But then we have these children and hold them and nurse and rock and protect and teach and guide and love them with a love we never even knew we had.

And when God calls them home? When God takes them back?

The loss is huge, the heart stretched out by love, so full of love, empty and broken.

Who can fill it? Who will fill it? Can it be filled? How does life go on?

As children, we were taught that God’s love is the greatest and that human love is a mere reflection. Charlotte Rose Kelly and Mark Palermo were loved beyond measure in this world. They were given all that human beings have to give. They were treasured.

They are treasured still. They left love to go to love. They are OK.

But their parents? Their families? The people who loved them?

We struggle with this. We are bereft because it wasn’t supposed to end this way.

Beverly Beckham

I think of these families, and all those who have lost someone. It is not fair, and the writer is correct, it wasnt supposed to end this way. Not a 5 year old little girl, not a 24 year old kid, not a 35 year old father and husband. All I can do is hold tightly to my precious son, and kiss him and thank God for him every day. He is a true blessing, a miracle.

My friends bought me a new camera for Christmas, I cant believe they did that (although I guess I can because they are amazing). I have had so much fun with it already, and I am excited to share even more pictures (and way better quality) of Chase and our little life. I know Alec would have bought it for me for Christmas if he were here, so thank you, to my girlfriends, for always thinking of me and going above and beyond. Alec loved my friends so much, because they always took such good care of us and he knew they would do anything for us.

My Mom, Beth and Michaela and I at the Capr Porpoise Tree Lighting...notice the lobster trap tree...

Chase, Weston, Me and Kate carrying our tree that Jon cut down for us.
Me, Chase, Caitlin, Georgia, Katie and Weston at the Prelude.
Jon, Kate, Weston, Amy, Ally and Anthony (and me and Chase) waiting for Santa to come...
Santa arriving on a Lobster boat...


Thank you all for continuing to be there for us, and for the endless love, support and prayers. I know that we will get through this, I just wish we didn't have to.

Love,

Heather, Chase and Millie

Who Wants To Go Ice Fishing!?

Ice fishing was one of my least favorite things to do with Alec (I liked it, but I certainly didn't run out the door when he asked me to go, actually, he would usually have to drag or bribe me). Spending time in his "shack" was fun and all, but I would rather be home in my furry blanket by the fire. But, if it meant I got to be outside, with my husband, I was usually there (especially when I got to go cross country skiing). When I think of things we did together that I will miss (um, everything) but especially the things he loved so dearly (fishing and fishing and fishing) I get sad...will I never do that again? Its not as if I would go ice fishing without him, not likely I will take out his auger, drill a couple holes and wait in the freezing cold for a flag to pop up. Or will I?

Alec's friend from high school, Wes Ashe, held a small ice fishing tournament last year. This year, he is holding it in memory of Alec, and by the sounds of it, its going to be big! Although Alec is not here, he is still some how able to drag me out to do some ice fishing with him this winter...I should have known this would happen! But, this time I am super excited and I know we are all going to have a lot of fun with it (that's if the lakes ever freeze over, not likely to happen when its 65 degrees out on December 6th).. The Bangor Daily News even wrote an article about it! Check it out...

http://outthere.bangordailynews.com/2011/12/02/fishing/um-student-plans-statewide-season-long-ice-fishing-derby/

This is really awesome, I am looking forward to some chilly days, even chillier beers and the company of Alec's friends and family, and all of us, running around chasing flags. I wonder if Chase has to get his fishing licence? I know Alec would have made him, if not for legal reasons then so he could use his name to have a few extra traps.

I hope some of you can sign up, and join us in the fun. The tournament is open to everyone, and it lasts 3 months long.

Thank you Wes, for continuing to be such a good friend to Alec, and for thinking of Chase and I. We are so blessed. I know Alec will live on through all of us, forever.

Love,

Heather, Chase and Millie

PS, I wish I could post the flyer on here, but it wont let me, I will try to figure it out, it is really cute, but here is what it says...

2nd Annual Ice Fishin’ Tourney
Here’s how it works:
1.Pay a $10 entry fee.
2.Ice fish until March 31, 2012.
3.Catch as many species of large fishes as you can.
4.Email photo of each fish with tourney card & length.
5.Attend the lottery to see if your lunker wins the purse!

Official Competition Rules: All fish species must be caught during the ice fishing season (Jan-Mar 2012) in Maine. Any fish that one submits for the largest individual within a respective species must be photographed alongside a tape measure (with inch increments) and tourney card and emailed to Wes Ashe (wesashe@gmail.com), with your name, fish species, length of fish, date caught, and water body. Weekly species-length updates and photos will be emailed to all contestants throughout the tourney. At the completion of the season, those fishermen with the largest recorded length for each species will have their name placed in a lottery for the chance to win the total purse collected for the competition . If any one person has length records for multiple species, their name will be submitted into the lottery multiple times (increasing their chance of winning the purse). If you have questions concerning the competition rules, please direct all emails to wesashe@gmail.com.

To register , bring $10 cash to Wes Ashe in 232A Nutting Hall or send by mail to 55 North Main Avenue, Orono, ME 04473. Please include your contact info (name, address, email, phone #).

Alec Cyr (1975-2011)

Alec passed away in October after a courageous battle with colon cancer. He was a native Mainer who loved the outdoors and was passionate about fishing. However, much more important than being an angler, Alec was a wonderful husband and father. His baby boy, Chase, was born in May. Therefore, in honor of Alec and his family, half of the proceeds collected from this ice fishing tournament will go toward Chase Cyr’s college fund. Thank you all for your support.


Alec with a trout in winter 2008.


Alec fishing in his "shack" AKA...a collapsable blue tarp with plywood.


Alec and I on Pushaw Lake, fishing and skiing in 2007.