I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas. We made the best of the day, and got through it. Never in my life did I think I would have to "get through" Christmas. I was told the days leading up to Christmas were harder than the actual day...every one says, "its so hard around the holidays". It is hard all the time in my opinion. Christmas came as a welcomed distraction to me, I was so busy shopping, baking, and doing all things Christmas I hardly had time to think. With it all behind me I am left once again stunned and bitter. Now that December is over, I am back to wondering why Alec is not here and what am I supposed to do next.
We had Christmas Eve in Kennebunkport, something me, Alec and his family had done the last 4 years. It was three Christmas Eves ago that we walked into Union Church and felt like we were in a magical place, the people, and the music was beautiful and the presence of God was undeniable. I was so happy that my family was able to come this year, and experience it for the first time. It was a beautiful service, and Jan mentioned Alec, whose picture was displayed amongst beautiful Christmas flowers. Chase got to participate in the service and was the cutest (and biggest) baby Jesus. He is our miracle and I know that Alec must have been so proud. During Alec's last days he liked it when I sang to him (he must have been on some good drugs to ask me to sing!). But he asked me more than once to sing Silent Night...a song that now brings me back to such an emotional and tender time. It was the last song I sang to him, and I think during those last few hours it brought us both peace and comfort. Silent Night was also the last song of the service and it was beautiful and it made me feel like Alec was there with us.
Chase and I were spoiled...Santa and our families were very good to us. And we received some very special gifts. Tina and Bob made us a "Hope Chest" with a verse from our wedding song on the top "Maybe you can walk with me a while. Maybe I can rest beneath your smile". It is very special. Charlotte made Chase a book with pictures of his Daddy doing all the things he loved to do, with captions under each, "Maybe some day you will grow up to be the captain of your very own boat!". My parents gave Chase and I am bag of beach gear and tickets to visit them in Florida this Spring. And many more special gifts, we really are so blessed.
Friday the 30th was Alec's Birthday. He would have been 36, I will never again mind turning a year older. Every Birthday is a milestone and should be celebrated. For Christmas I gave both our families tickets to Alec's favorite comedian, Bob Marley, which happened to be Friday night. I knew Alec would want us all laughing together (last New Years Eve we saw Bob and I was nervous Alec's stitches from his surgery were going to open he was laughing so hard). It was a great night with friends and our families and I know Alec was laughing right along with us.
On the 23rd Chase turned 7 months old. The 23rd of each month is a hard day, although it marks Chase as a month older, it also means Alec has been gone for another month. I hate the 23rd because it means it has been one month longer since I have last seen Alec. But it does mean Chase is a month older and he is a growing healthy baby boy, and I try to be grateful. I guess I can call it a bitter sweet kind of day.
And now it is New Years Eve and I am sad. The last few years I had been so optimistic that the next year was going to be better, that we were going to see the light at the end of the tunnel and be a family forever. I do not know what 2012 holds for us, all I know is that Alec is not here and I am going into a new year without him, looking into the future without him is overwhelming and scary. I know that with God, our Family and Friends, we will get by and be OK.
Thank you all for the never ending love and support and prayers. I am hoping that good things happen in 2012. At least we all know we have a very special gaurdian angel watching over us.
Love and God Bless,
Heather, Chase and Millie
Chase decided he wanted to eat the 7 month this time...
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