I started running again and found that it is so good for my mind, body and my spirit. I find that the 30 to 40 minutes I am out there, I am with Alec and it has become "my time" with him. I think about him, look for him and listen to all the songs that remind me of him. Of course I am always looking for "Alec Winks" every moment of every day, especially while I am running. I haven't seen the bald eagle again, but Alec has been here and his presence is sometimes overwhelming. I know it has to be him.
The other day I went for a quick walk around the block, (which happens to be through the woods and down a dirt road which not many people travel on). Out of no where, 3 sketchy looking guys popped out of the woods, I am not even sure where they came from or what they were doing, (not hunting because they had no guns). I quickly walked by them and a few minutes later decided I should go home and stay inside, alarm system armed. Well the next morning I needed to run, it was beautiful and Millie needed more exercise since she got jipped the night before. I searched high and low for my ear phones (which I had just used a day or today earlier) so I could listen to my ipod. I must have looked in 10 coat pockets, 7 drawers and every closet. Finally I found them, in the same jacket that had a can of pepper spray Alec had bought me which I had also misplaced at some point over a year ago...coincidence? I don't think so. Alec was always so nervous about me walking or running, he made me carry it with me. Then I find it in my ski jacket, the day after seeing some random sketchy guys? It was as if Alec was telling me I was not to walk alone again with out the pepper spray he had bought me. It made me smile, knowing that he is still looking out for his family.
Sometimes I have a hard time getting Chase to take a nap, he will not settle down on the couch, in his crib, in my arms. He is so fidgety and restless, never wanting to miss a thing. I finally get so flustered, I bundle him up and take him outside in his stroller. I swear that Alec is singing him to sleep from Heaven. Chase stares up at the trees, with this look in his eyes I cant even explain, he is totally mesmerized and calm and still and finally, after 10 or 15 minutes of complete quiet and relaxation he is sound asleep. I find myself looking off into the direction where his big blue eyes were fixated...I half expect to see Alec there, smiling down, shooshing him from the sky. Is Alec helping me? Do babies have some sort of sixth sense? I am starting to believe that Alec is helping me care for Chase more than I ever thought possible.
Then last week I went for another run. I was with Millie and Chase and listening to my favorite song "Light Up The Sky" by "The Afters" a song that was on the slideshow I had made for Alec that played at the wake. It was a dreary day, but I noticed to the right of me the sky had broken and the sun was shining through the clouds, and rays of light were coming down. I thought to myself how beautiful, maybe Alec was there. I took a picture with my ipod and kept running. Oddly enough, as I ran another half mile down the road, the sun light had moved and seemed to be following us. I took another picture and then turned a left onto Kings Highway. Again, I looked up and noticed the sun was now on the beach, the rays of light even more beautiful and bright, and had turned back to dark gray from where we had come from. I had to stop and stare and reflect on this for a few minutes. Was it really Alec? Was he showing me he was with us? I had this overwhelming feeling in my heart that he was there. I was not sad, I was smiling and happy, it was a true sign that he is with us and sometimes, he will come down and say "Hi, I am here, I am watching you and Chase and Millie. Do not be afraid". I snapped a few more pictures (only wishing I had my "real" camera!). It was just amazing and I was so grateful for him being there and for giving me a beautiful sign.
I came home that night and read from a book Jill's friends had sent me called "Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief" by Martha Whitmore Hickman. It sits on my nightstand and I must admit I don't find much comfort in anything I read lately. But I randomly opened to December 12 and read the following:
"Dead and Gone though they may be, as we come to understand them in new ways, it is as though they come to understand us, and through them we come to understand ourselves, in new ways too." Frederick Buechner
This delicate dance with the souls of the dead is something we don't begin to understand right away. We think the immediate relationship is ended, though we know we will continue to remember, and to grieve.
But as we dwell in memory on our experiences with the one who is physically gone, his or her psychic presence rather than being confined to the body we knew and loved seems somehow to expand and surround us with its gentle understanding, its compassion and love.
So we enter upon different kinds of conversations, often exchanges without words. We seem to arrive at a mutual understanding and appreciation for the goodness and the difficulty we were in each other's life. We're able to smile benevolently at all that flurry and to relish, instead this deep love and peace.
Dear departed love, continue to be with me, as I will with you.
-Martha Whitmore Hickman
After reading this I really started to wonder...Alec is physically gone, but really, is he here all the time? I believe that he is with me more now than he ever was. He surrounds me with his love, his spirit. Although Alec had a larger than life presence, and his not here in flesh, he is coming back and he is being seen and heard. I did not want to leave the sun that day...I wanted to walk underneath it and feel Alec's warm embrace and have him hold me forever. But for now, I am going to have to take it where I can get it, and I will and I will continue to be grateful for these signs.
I miss him terribly, more and more each day, but I am learning he is here with me, with Chase, and sometimes I just have to look a little harder, other times he will shine down from Heaven, just there, for all to see. As if he is saying "Here I am Heath...I love you!" I love you too Alec, I miss you. And Chase loves you too. Even Millie loves and misses you.
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