5 months

I do not know how it has been 5 months. I still don't believe it, I still have to ask myself a few times a day..."Did this really happen? Is he really gone?" I do not know if I will ever accept it. Death is so hard to grasp, it is so final. I find myself thinking up ways to bring him back, how can I just see him one more time?

Now that Chase is ten months (ten months!) I am talking even more about his Daddy, showing him photos, videos, and making him aware of just how wonderful of a Daddy he was. 5 months was hard, it made me realize that Chase will now have been alive for longer than Alec got to be with him on earth...it is so unfair and my heart breaks for me, for Alec and for Chase. We should all be together...this is not how this was supposed to end.



Chase saying hi to Daddy in the morning...


He makes him smile so big!


And he gives him kisses too!


Nothing stops the two of us though. We are living life to the fullest, just like Alec would want. Chase never stops, and neither do I. I love being his Mom, showing him new things, exploring, and spending as much time outside as we can. This winter has been a gift. I know Alec is up there, bribing someone to keep the sun shining, because he knows just how bad I need it. The rainy days are my worst days, sunny days are when I am happy, outside and grateful for my beautiful life and really feeling Alec with us.



What I have realized through this experience is that old phrase "it takes a village to raise a child" is true. I always disagreed, no, actually, I thought...it takes a Mom and a Dad. But when one parent is not there, the village steps up, and Chase has so many people that love him and want to be in his life. I am so grateful, and I know Alec must be up there, orchestrating it all. Between family, friends and church, he is one loved baby boy. And he loves the attention, he has become quite the little ham, always making people laugh, smiling at strangers at the grocery store, until they smile back, then coyly looking away and nuzzling his head in my shoulder. He literally makes so many people happy and brightens days. I am so thankful for my precious baby Chase.



Alec continues to send us signs, and he has been busy. A few weeks ago I received an email from one of his best friends who now lives in San Diego. Steve wrote to me,

"I was thinking of you and Alec today, as I was cleaning my boat I looked down and saw hundreds of mackerel swimming in the sun. I proceeded to grab my rod and caught a few, and was tempted to throw them in my baitwell to liveline in what shall ever be known as "The Alec Technique". Then I remembered, there are no stripers in SD! So I went out and caught my first halibut on a jig instead. I'm still crediting Alec with the assist"

Awesome. Its funny how all of a sudden all his friends are having such great luck fishing...is it luck or is it something else?

That same week I was having a really bad week. The day after Steve sent me that email I was out walking with my Mom and Aunt and Chase and Millie. I was ahead a little ways from my Mom and Aunt and I was on the verge of tears, but I I looked up and asked Alec for a sign, a moment went by and I got nothing. I thought, "well, he must still be in California with Steve". Literally that very moment I looked up and saw the cross from a church sticking out over the top of the trees, and the way the sun was hitting it looked like it was glowing gold. It was beautiful, and my sadness went away for the rest of that bad week and I knew that Alec was with me, always.

Kendalle texted me last weekend and said she saw not one but two bald eagles flying over their home in Georgetown. I swear it must be one of the same ones I have seen twice along 95 heading into Boston. That's Alec alright.

And then his sister Charlotte took Millie for a run last week. She was always such a good sister to Alec, taking Millie out for us when we would have a late night from the hospital, stopping in at the house to check on things when we were away and always being there for her brother. She was thinking of Alec as she ran by the beach, wondering if he would be happy she was out running with Millie (yes, very happy he would be!) and she looked up to see a blue "BELIEVE" bracelet, hanging on a fence post at the entrance to the beach. Someone must have lost it at the beach (Alec? Maybe, he was always losing his and needing a new one.) and someone picked it up and placed it there, for Charlotte to find. Now if that isn't an "Alec Wink" I don't know what is! His message that day..."BELIEVE...I am still with you".

In my Mom and Dad's basement, about 5 years ago, when Alec and I made the first bean bag set, we spent a long night creating, sanding, staining and polyurathaning. A few weeks ago as I was doing a load of laundry while visiting I noticed this on the chalkboard...
It's still there, after 5 years! He was probably trying to teach me math or something, he was always attempting to improve my terrible math, in fact, I still find myself wanting to ask him..."Aleeeec...how do I figure out 1/4 cup?" But then he would make me practice fractions and do it on paper and then he would quiz me after. By then I would have lost interest in whatever it was I had been making. "Just tell me the answer" At this age, I will never know how to do math!

Spending time with Jan, Sharon and the dogs at the Beach!


Ready for his first bike ride!


So much fuN!


Biking is fun...


But sooooo tiring!


Chase and his best bro...Michael.


Chase thinking about taking a dip...


Chase getting loves from Sofia...


As always, I am grateful for your love, support and prayers. And if you see or hear from Alec, be sure to let me know!

Love,

Heather, Chase and Millie

Alec's Story on "Faces of Blue"

If you havent seen this yet...

http://www.getyourrearingearblog.com/featured-articles/faces-of-blue-alec-cyr/

March is Colon Cancer Awareness Month. Because we made such an impact at teh "Rear In Gear" event, one of the founders asked if I could share me and Alec's story. I am happy to be spreading the word on colon cancer. I know Alec would be so glad that he is not only living on, but saving lives.

I love him so much. I will keep him alive forever.

Team Alec Take Two!

Alec is keeping us in good shape...a 5K in November, ice fishing tourney, a 5K in March and a Triathlon coming up in July! He is making sure we are living our best and healthiest life possible, no couch potatoes here!

We finished the second Team Alec event within 5 months of Get Your Rear in Gear...Mary's Walk, a 5K in downtown Saco, Maine which raises money for the Maine Cancer Foundation. We had over 25 runners and walkers, a couple of cheerleaders, and, of course, a baby who slept through his 3rd 5K! And...Jack Martin, age 6 ran his first 5k! This kid is awesome! Most fish, biggest fish for the Alec ice tournament and now completed a 5k! Alec is in awe I bet.

Alec's sister Charlotte led this team and we had so much fun and the weather couldn't have been more fantastic.

Thank you ALL who came out, ran, walked, donated, cheered, supported, prayed, etc. We are so blessed and I know we are making Alec so proud. He really is living on and I am so, so grateful. The days like yesterday are the days that keep me going, being surrounded by family, friends, church, it makes me so happy.

From Mary's Walk Website:

"Mary’s Walk and Kerrymen Pub 5K wish to thank all the participants, volunteers, sponsors and our host, the City of Saco, who made the event a great success! The 14th annual event would not have been possible without our great community of supporters. With your help, Maine Cancer Foundation makes a difference by providing grant funding for cancer research, education and patient support programs."

And, Alec is in the news again...awesome! Yay Charlotte!

http://www.pressherald.com/news/Marys-Walk-raises-250000-for-cancer-research-on-Sunday.html

"Family and friends of the late Alec Cyr of Kennbunkport, who died in November at age 35 from colon cancer, sported matching camouflage shirts in his memory."He was a fisherman, marathoner and mountain climber," said his sister, Charlotte Cyr of Kennebunk.

A year ago, she said, her brother urged her on when she ran in the road race.

"Now I want to raise awareness about colon cancer so no one has to go through what he did," she said.

Silly Jen...trying to get on the Ellen show with her Irish jig! Love it! She sure knows how to make me laugh! Lets hope she gets on!



And here are all the pictures, in a slideshow of course! Thanks everyone!

Not Just a Truck.

This weekend I had a hard time letting go.

I have a mid size SUV that just doesn't seem to be enough room for a dog, a baby and all the stuff that goes with both. A normal trip down to Mass has at least one seat down, Millie next to Chase and we are just plain squished. Not to mention I am nervous/paranoid that I am going to get in an accident and Chase is going to be squished by all our stuff because we have no gate holding Millie back and lots of bags floating around in the car. I know it would be giving Alec "Mr. Safety First" a million heart attacks every time I get in the car. I know that if he were here, we would be looking for a bigger car for me, and also a bigger truck for him (he always wanted a Tundra).

Anyways, I had to say good by to his silver Tacoma truck and it was hard. I dont usually get attached to cars, especially in the business of sales, because I am always in my car and actually get so sick of it really quick. But this was different. This was Alec's truck.

He picked me up in his truck for our first date. I will never forget it, he came over and had a bouquet of purple flowers because "they were the same color as my eyes" he said. (It wasn't until later I learned that he was color blind). He took me out to eat and I felt like I was in in his truck from then on. Two weeks after our first date he brought me to buy my first mountain bike and every day after work we would throw our bikes in the back of the truck and head out to find the roughest and toughest of trails. We had so many memories in that Tacoma. We brought Millie home for the first time in his truck, and she was so nervous she threw up all over the front seat (and me). We made numerous trips up to Baxter, Bar Harbor, snow boarding to Sunday River, we went hunting, ice fishing, brought the boat to the marina, and out for adventures on Sunday afternoons, the two of us and Millie.


Alec and I in his truck on my 26th Birthday, I am trying to show off my new earrings...he bought be diamond earrings after only being together for 5 months, YES, I LOVE THIS MAN!

Blasting all the homemade CD's I made Alec for our road trips...Toby Keith, Eddie Vedder, Mat Kearney, signing along so goofy to songs by Johnny Cash and June Carter. We made so many trips to Home Depot, and bringing home our Christmas tree in that truck was always a story, yes it would hang over the back by 10 feet and drag all the way home.

Alec and I would ride around during or after a big storm, checking out the incredible waves from his truck...


A little snow never stopped the Tacoma...


Alec would bring a truckload of family and friends down to the beach, we would pile (illegaly) in the back of his truck and head a mile down the road where he would dump us out and head off with the guys for a day of fishing on the boat.
Liz and Brian in the back of Alec's truck.

Me in the back of his truck, headed to the beach.




Millie and Alec in his truck, on our way to hunt somewhere.


And I thought this was funny, his gun next to my bag...I could never really be transformed into a true Maine women, still had to have my Louie with me.

One memory from way back...
I was calling on an office that Alec just so happened to have been at. He was getting into his truck. The receptionist at this particular office had a huge crush on Alec but didn't know we were dating at the time. She saw me come in, grabbed me and brought me over to the window..."See that guy, I am so into him...look at the way he gets into that truck" she said. I peered out the window, "Yeah, he's pretty cute" I agreed.

And a recent memory...
Those pesky chipmunks who decided to store 800 acorns in his engine...which somehow got into his heater vents, which some how cost a couple hundred dollars to fix, which led him to buy a Beebe gun and hunt for chipmunks on Sunday afternoons. I will never forget the 10 gallon bucket he showed me, half full of acorns. Yes, the chipmunks had to go.

Then one time on a trip to climb Mt Katahdin, we left at 3:00am to get a spot, I was never overly enthused about getting up this early to hike for 11 hours, but Alec always was. We were driving down the bumpy dirt road that led to the start of the trai and he was going on and on about the suspension and torque and all this other man-truck talk I had no clue, "really, thats so awesome" I replied. He caught me..."You are being sarcastic, you dont care at all about what I am talking about do you!" We laughed for years about that.

Everything about that truck was Alec. The 2 NRA stickers, the "York County Gun Club" sticker, the Goose Rocks Beach sticker. He could back it in and out of our long driveway with a 21 foot boat attached no problem. He could put it in four wheel drive and plow through snow, mud and the back woods of Maine without a second look. I had even bought him a gun rack for Valentines Day one year...what man from Maine doesn't have a gun rack in his truck?

While cleaning it out, I came across his work boots, a hard hat, lots of fishing maps, his fishing licence, and our membership cards to the gun club. It was hard. I was sad. Really sad. Since Alec has passed, I have spent many quiet moments in his truck, just sitting there, letting it run for 30 minutes or so. I took it for a spin here and there, making sure it was still running. But the time came where I realized that I am paying insurance for this truck and it is losing value each day it sits in our driveway. I thought long and hard about what he would want me to do.

So, I decided to trade in my car, and his truck and to be safe I would get a bigger SUV. I know Alec would want that. As I cleaned out what was left, I asked him for a sign. Something that would tell me I was doing the right thing. Literally, as I was asking him, I looked down and found 4 sand dollars and 3 pieces of white beach glass in a little storage space I had never noticed or seen before. Alec was obsessed with finding sand dollars and beach glass (I always would find green because he was colorblind and he could only find white). I knew this was Alec, telling me I was doing the right thing.

That is not to say it wasn't sad and heart breaking watching his truck pull out of our driveway for the very last time. I hated every second of it.

I loved that truck. I loved Alec in the truck. I loved us in that truck.

But a truck is a truck. Right? I have these memories stored in my mind, and now I have some of them written down. I am OK. I will get through this. I will see Alec again in that truck. He will pick me up and we will be together forever.

Happy.

I am happy when...

I am with Chase and Millie...
I am outside...
I am moving...
the sun is shining...
I can feel Alec with me.