Heaven On Earth

Some nights, particularly nights like tonight, I have to pinch myself.  

The sky, the ocean, my life...it is all so beautiful that I feel like I must have died and gone to heaven.  I actually expect to see Alec walk up the path, come sit right down next to me and plant a kiss on my cheek.  Then he picks up Chase tosses him in the sky and runs off to throw the frisbee for Millie...while I lay there and marvel at what surrounds me, because this can't be real, it is too heavenly, too beautiful for earth.

And then Chase runs up to me, wraps his little arms around me and I'm woken from my daydream...I am here, living this life and it is indeed heaven on earth and I am grateful.  

Soaking Up the September Sunshine.

Chase has been a busy little boy this September.  Ever since we returned from Acadia he wants to "go hiking" and paint like his little cousins.  It's so funny to me to see the difference between boys and girls,  girls are ever so particular and careful when they create their masterpieces, and then there's this...

We go for little hikes almost every day, I have decided that little boys are much like dogs, they need to run around outside to burn off their energy...And they are happiest doing so through the woods. 

Even eating is an adventure, he learned a new trick with a hard boiled egg, who knew it could fit right on your chin!!??

Chase was so happy to see his Grammy last weekend, he wouldn't leave her arms.

New hobby...rock climbing.

He also loves doing work around the yard and he likes to help me with my car...fixing it with a bungee cord...with his winter boots on...and no pants.  

Learning how to drive the boat!  

My little captain.

He loves wearing Mommies clothes, and is a good little brusher too! 

Taking Mill for a walk!

How could I ever be mad at this face!?

Enjoying the view...

Looking for gucks!  (ducks)

Saying hello to Daddy, Annie and Bella.

I'm SAILING!  

Watching the Regatta

Another day another hike!  

A date night with Chase, a walk, dinner and drive around Ocean Drive, to watch the sun set at Saint Anne's, life is good.

I am ready to say good bye to summer.  It was certainly not what we were expecting, with the loss of Annie and Bella...my family was thrown back into the midst of grief and mourning. We still try to understand why, but we are strong and our Faith is stronger and we will make it through this once again.

Even with the many challenging days we may face in the fall, I am ready for change.  I embrace fall and enter with an open heart, ready for new, ready for a little Hope, even more Faith and lots of Love!

XOXO
Heather

Mine Would Be You.

It is hard to believe I made it through another summer without Alec.  I thought that this summer would be easier than last, that I wouldn't think of him so much.  I guess it is now a different kind of grieving experience. I still ache for him like I use to, but now I also grieve for what "should" have been.  This is not how my life was suppose to turn out, I am sad that Alec is not here right now, next to me in bed, talking about the weekend...how we went on the boat, ate lobsters, how delicious Grammy's blueberry pie is, how friggin cute our son was...how blessed we are.  Last night Chase was sick, and on a very rare occasion I let him sleep in my bed.  I whispered to him "I Love You" even though he was sleeping.  It made me remember how much Alec and I use to say that to each other.  It wasn't just a habit, we said it all the time and meant it.  And we would whisper it to each other like I did last night.  And as I thought about it, I realized I still say it to him. When I see a sign or think of him, or if I am missing him, I whisper it, just like I use to...I only wish so badly I could hear him say it back.  

I am grateful for the incredible love I had with Alec, but sometimes realize it is both a blessing and a curse. How am I ever going to find it again?  Is it even possible?  Can you have more than one soul mate? Sometimes I wish I would find out something terrible about him, like...for example...(this is really a wacky example but the first thing I could think of, probably because Chase really likes wearing my clothes lately, he had on my red bikini top last night) but what if I found out he use to dress up as a women on the weekends, then I could think, oh no, he was not perfect, in fact he was down right creepy! But (fortunately or unfortunately?)  there is nothing. He was perfect. Damn you Alec, now I am screwed for life!! I turned to Alec's sister Tam the other day, (after his Mom and I were crying into each others arms) and asked her why her brother had to be so perfect, why did I have to be so in love with him?  Stupid love...That's what Alec would say if he were in my shoes right now.  In all seriousness, I feel blessed because I know that not everyone experiences this kind of love, and I know that despite my great loss, grief, sadness, void in my life, my heart, etc, etc...there are some people who would trade what they have for what I had in a second.  And that is what made us so damn special.  

I heard a song the other day by Blake Shelton, "Mine Would Be You".  As soon as I heard it, I had to have it...so I downloaded it to itunes and played it over and over and over.  Then I just couldn't get enough, I had to tattoo it onto my body.  There is no other song that reminds me more of what Alec and I had.  He was the best thing that ever happened to me.  My finest hour, best day ever, wildest dream come true...Mine would be you Alec Cyr.

Mine would be you

Sun keeps shining, back road flying
Singing like crazy fools
Making up our own words
Laughing 'til it hurts
Baby, if I had to choose
My best day ever
My finest hour, my wildest dream come true
Mine would be you

What's your double dare, your go all in?
The craziest thing you ever did?
Plain as your name in this tattoo
Look on my arm, mine would be you

Mine would be you
Sun keeps shining, back road flying
Singing like crazy fools
Making up our own words
Laughing 'til it hurts
Baby, if I had to choose
My best day ever
My finest hour, my wildest dream come true
Mine would be you

What's the greatest chapter in your book?
Are there pages where it hurts to look?
What's the one regret you can't work through?
You got it baby, mine would be you
Yeah you got it baby, mine would be you

Our first Acadia trip...I love the love in my eyes...

Mine would be you...

My lil' hiker...

My most looked forward to week of the year...

Chase calls is Bah Habbah, the way he says it is too cute.  At age two, this kid was climbing mountains, jumping rocks and he could not have been more happy.

I was in awe of how fast his little legs could move.  He maneuvered over each rock like he was a pro and sometimes he went so quickly I would have to jog to keep up with him.  Acadia is such a special place for me and my family.  My parents have pictures of me here when I was 2, (although I am pretty sure they didn't let me climb any mountains till I was 5, they didn't make toddler hiking shoes back then!).  Along with 32 years of memories with my family, it was the first place Alec and I vacationed together.  We would go up for long weekends, and then join my family for the week in August.  He also grew up going to Acadia, since he lived only an hour away.  This was our place, our little piece of heaven, the tops of the mountains, the views, the sunsets, there is no where quite like it.

As much joy as Acadia brings me, it also brings me much sadness.  How I wished so badly Alec were here to see his little hiker son following in his Daddy's footsteps.  He would be so proud, although I know he would have been more cautious and careful than I, probably would have made Chase where a helmet, knee pads and elbow pads...Mommy is so much more laid back.  And yes, Chase fell down, scraped up his knees, cried a little, but he is a tough little boy, a little boo-boo aint gonna stop him.

Ever since we have been home, Chase wants to go "hikin".  I take him to some of the local trails around home, and we run through them, weaving in and out of trees, over stumps and rocks.  Now that Chase is an experienced hiker, these trails are a walk in the park!

We were thankful for a beautiful week, the weather was perfect.  Each day was a true adventure, with 5 little kids under the age of 4, I think we all needed a vacation after the vacation, but it was all worth it.  I am grateful for my sign from Alec, as my Mom and I were sitting by the ocean on our last day, a big, beautiful bald eagle swooped down in front of us, it was as if Alec was just stopping in to let us know he was there, and had been there all along.  Hi my darling husband, I missed you, but thank you for stopping by.

We have arrived!  

Chase takes Acadia by storm.

Sometimes hooking a ride from Papa helps.

Throwing rocks!

Our morning walk to Ship Harbor.

Little hiker is off and running!

Which way Ma?

Now that is a happy little face!

Mom trying to hold my hand.

Showing Papa the way!

Scaling rock walls (no kids allowed on this hike!)

Tip-pity Top.

Our quintessential Maine cottage rental.

Taking a break.

No one loves Acadia more than the dogs!

Getting another ride from Papa!

Uncle Bob and Juju!

My big cousin Josh.

Painting, with my mardi gra beads on of course!  

Almost to the top!

Made it! All by myself!  Bubble South and Bubble North.

Push a little harder girls!  

Yep, Daddy would be SO PROUD.

Me and Momma.  Whom I now call "Heada"

Decided to sit right down in the sidewalk.

Grammy, Papa and Chasie!

Look at that birdie!!

Daddy shining down on me?

Snacks at the top please!

Looking like Millie with my tongue out!

Me and Momma!

Making wishes...

Go get it!  

Chase...future Marine?

A picture with Mom?  I cant stop for that!

Beautiful Park Loop Road.

Last day!  

Throwing the ball for Mill!

Mimi, Auntie Yaya and Auntie Tam came to see me!  

We had the "Max plate" in memory of Daddy who use to eat the entire platter my himself!  

Oh Alec, you made me so proud.

Byt bye Bar Harbor, till next year...