4 Months

I can't believe it has been 4 months. I really don't know how life keeps going, but it does.

Alec continues to send us all signs and for that I am so grateful. On the last couple trips from Maine to Boston I have seen a rainbow over the city, and there was really no reason for one, sun was out and there were a few clouds, but I know it was Alec giving me a sign that for now, we are in the right place. Then one night I was driving back to my parents house and I was feeling a wave of grief come over me and I looked up and saw a shooting star. He didn't want me crying that night. My mom also had an Alec Wink, she hadn't really seen any signs since he died so she asked him, one morning, please, give me something so I know your OK, on her way into work she saw 3 deer frolicking in a field, a field where she looks every single morning for nature and never sees a thing. She knew it was Alec telling her he is OK. And Alec's mom experienced a bright light and a woosh sound (I have read that this is a soul visiting) she couldn't find an explanation of what it may have been except that it was Alec.

I do believe Chase still sees his Daddy regularly. I am convinced that children have a sixth sense and he is with Chase more than I even know. One day I was rocking him in his chair and he was looking behind me, then his head and eyes would whip over in the other direction, then back, and it happened for a few minutes. He was laughing and smiling and I couldn't figure out what he could possibly be looking at, until I felt that Alec was really there, playing peek-a-boo with his son. Monday, Presidents Day we went for a walk in the woods, a trail that was our favorite, Alec and I would ski, bike, and walk it with Millie all year long. I was carrying Chase in the baby carrier and we were talking to Dada, telling him how much we still loved this trail and we wished he was with us. Sure enough a huge gust of wind blew and I knew he really was there.

Chase is now 9 months old. He is doing new things every day. He started to say "Dadadada" he crawls around like a man on a mission and he pulls him self up and can even stand alone for a few seconds. He is quickly learning the word "NO" and poor Millie, I think he thinks she is a sqeeky toy (and he can squeeze pretter hard). He eats anything I give him, I think his new favorite food is Papa's meatballs (Mommy's favorite too). And, he got his first haircut this week, he looks so grown up and even more like his Daddy...




My mind has been playing cruel tricks on me lately, I dream that Alec is alive and this is all just a bad dream. I don't mind it at first, because at least get to see him, but then I wake up and realize he is not here and I am actually living the bad dream. Death is just so hard to accept, how can someone be there, by my side for 5 years, and then gone?

I miss him so much. I miss being his wife. I miss the way he made me laugh, I miss holding his hand, rubbing his back. I miss the joy in my heart. It makes me so sad, wondering if the best years of my life are already behind me. How will I ever find that kind of love and happiness again? Who will I ever adore as much as I did Alec? When I look at pictures of the two of us, I can almost see the love, the adoration for each other, my smile is one I haven't seen in 4 months. I had stars in my eyes when I was with Alec, I was just so, so in love with him. I try to find comfort in imagining if it were me that was gone, Alec would be broken hearted and in pain, so I guess I am glad it is me, and not him that has to live through this.



I am doing all the right things, taking all the right steps in this grief process, I wish it wasn't so hard. I guess it is just the price you pay for loving someone so much.

I am glad we went to church today. (Above was written before church, can you tell?) Sometimes it is hard not to feel sorry for yourself, I suffered a great loss. But on the other hand, I have so much to be thankful for. A healthy, beautiful baby, the most wonderful family and friends, a loving, supportive church, God, Millie, our beautiful home, and a mission...to make Alec proud and to carry on his legacy through our son. If Alec would want anything, it would be for me and for Chase and all his family and friends to live and love and to never take a day for granted. He was my inspiration, my hero, I will live to make him proud.

Flag!

Holy mackerel...or should I say pickerel!?

Last weekend there were so many fish caught, I lost track. Alec most certainly would have been ice fishing last weekend, and he would have had a blast. Jon Mogul came up with his friend Doug and they fished Belgrade Lake. I guess they had over 20fish, and maybe even a couple winners in the contest. Jon said there were bald eagles flying around...we all know who that was! Then John and Jack caught some huge "lunkers" at Pushaw Lake, Alec must be so proud...I hope Chase is as good of a fisherman as Jack! And I guess Tom didnt have as much luck, but still got one! OK, now I am getting antsy to get out there!







As for me and Chase, we stayed home (he has a cold and I am still a tad nervous about thin ice.) But we had a house full of good friends, good food and lots of wine.

Valentines Day was harder than I thought. Alec and I were never really into it, we got each other a card and chocolates, but never really felt we needed a day to prove our love to each other...it was pretty obvious and we must have said "I Love You" 30 times in one day. But yesterday was hard, and I missed him terribly. Luckily, I have the best friends and we went to boot camp where we took out some major aggression and then enjoyed a nice cold beer. Oh, and my "Alec Wink" for the day was as we were walking out of the gym, Amy was teasing a man walking in with 2 dozen roses, and the man stopped her, me and Caitlin and gave us each a rose. So sweet.

And, I had the cutest dream about Alec. Charlotte always tells me to eat chili and I will have dreams of Alec. I had chili Monday night and dreamt that Alec wrote me a Valentine and stuck it behind a pillow. I found it and it was just so perfect. It was a dream I didn't want to wake up from.

Chase has had a rough week, he had a temperature of 104 Sunday night, and it turns out he had a double ear infection. It was the first time he has been sick and it was scary and I felt so bad for my little guy. His cousin Kelsey is at Children's Hospital with some breathing and eating issues they are still trying to figure out, I know Bob and Tina could use some prayers and answers. Please keep them in your thoughts.

I miss Alec more and more every day...I am hoping someday this gets easier.

All Our Love,

Heather, Chase and Millie

Getting By Aint Easy...

Getting by without Alec is so hard. I miss him so much. I think about him all the time.

Life without cancer is so different. It was all consuming, doctors appointments, good news, bad news, waiting, and then poof...its all gone. I so often find myself thinking of other families who I know are going through what we went through and I think how hard it really is, but at least they still have their loved ones here and they still have hope, there is always hope. I have no Alec and I have no hope. I am just trying to find my way without either.

I do have Chase, and of course I love him and cherish him every day. But it also does not make things easier. It makes it better, for sure, but not easier. I just wish, wish, wish Alec was here and we could go back to our perfect little life. I would take another 20 years of cancer, and the ups and downs and the constant rollar coaster...if only he was here.

We are trying to adjust to this different life. To a life without my husband, who always took such good care of me, Chase, Millie, our home, our cars, paid our bills, took out the trash. All the every day things that most spouses take for granted. I find I am constantly thinking, "how did Alec do this or that, what would he want me to do here or now?" It gets tiresome, but I must trust that he trusted me to be the mother of his child, so he knew I could do it, and I know some how, he is always guiding me in the right direction.

Spending more time with my family is always helpful, and they spoil us. My Dad makes us breakfast in bed on the weekends, packs lunches during the week, he keeps Chase smiling. My Mom takes Chase when I need a break and is always ready to do whatever we need, my sisters are there no matter what, Alec's Mom is always on call to come down in a second to help. Auntie Beth is Chase's Tuesday babysitter, Caitlin is practically running a daycare for Chase. And I appreciate it all, and I am so grateful for the constant love and support. But what I would do to have my Alec! My heart literally yearns for him, tears still flow regularly for him, and I would do just about anything to see him again.

Jill told me this week that February 6th was 4 years from when her best friend, Shirley was killed in a car accident. I will never forget the moment I learned of her death, I was walking in the hallway at Newton Wellsley Hospital and Catherine called, I was in shock. How could a beautiful, young girl with so much life be gone in an instant? Her death hit me, and so many others hard. She and her family were so close, and their lives ran so parallel to ours, daughters, a golden retriever, Shirley was the center of their world. I had known Shirley for years and I remember the night after her services, Alec and I took a walk on Goose Rocks, and I cried and cried into his shoulder, why, why why did this happen to such a good family, to such a good girl? Soon after Alec died, I thought of Shirley, was she waiting for him? She and I were a lot alike, blonde, we both had little sisters, we were out going, fun, with a little bit of a wild side...which is why she and Jill were best friends. When Jill and I were talking about Shirley this week I told her I know she and Alec were having fun up there, and I am glad that Shirley is there with him. (Although I said I hoped she wasn't wearing a bikini...I can still be a little jealous right?). I know that Alec is taking care of Shirley, looking out for her, make sure she is not getting into too much trouble (yes, even in heaven I am sure Shirl could find mischief.) Either way, it brings me comfort, knowing that they are most likely friends and both of them are special angels, keeping us all safe.

Shirley Roome, October 26th, 1982 - February 6th, 2008

I will continue to pray to God, who got me this far...I pray that someday this will get easier. I pray that I will see Alec again. I pray that I am making him proud.



Thank you for all your love and support,

Heather, Chase and Millie