Alec is in the news...again!
This time the Kennebunk Post did a (front page) story on the ice fishing derby which is on going and although the ice is a little on the thin side latly, the fish are a plentiful!
Find the story at...
http://mainelymediallc.com/pdf/post_pgs.pdf
Great pics and great story...one mistake, the writer said we hiked Katahdin 2 months before Alec died, while I know he could have done this, we did not. What I had said was Alec hiked Mt. Katahdin 2 months before he was diagnosed...I also mentioned we went hiking in Acadia 2 months before he died, you can see how she may have been confused. Either way Alec was awesome and if he had the chance (of if we didnt have Chase to take with us on vacay, he probably would have wanted to hike Katahdin, which is an 11 mile hike up a one mile mountain, the highest peak in Maine)
Now, lets go FISHING! Oh wait, we need ice.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
3 Months...
I can't believe it has been three months. I must ask myself a hundred times a day...did that really happen? Is Alec really gone? Am I really a widow?
It is something I struggle with every day. But some how, some way, life keeps moving forward. I just finished reading a book that a friend from church gave me. I have had it for 3 months and just read it in 2 days. It is called "Messages" and is by a women who lost her husband in 9/11. The book tells stories of "signs" from those who had passed away in 9/11 and I found it to be very therapeutic, it also validated my feelings that Alec is still here, and those "Alec Winks" I witness on a daily basis are in fact him.
Today at church, Jan told me that she thinks Alec visited her a few days ago. She was in her office, sitting in her chair, (a chair that use to be Alec's office chair). All of a sudden the lamp that was a few feet away moved over to her and bumped her in her back! Then, the lights flickered. She moved the lamp back and the next day the exact same thing happened. That is just too weird...I know it had to have been Alec. Last week I saw another bald eagle, this time on 93 North as I was headed out of Boston. It flew above my car and landed in a tree over to my right. (I know, a bald eagle in Boston!? But it is true, I had a witness, a co-worker was in my car.) Then one night, on my way home from the airport after a bad travel day (my flight was delayed, I got in at 1:30 am, car covered in a foot of snow, no scraper, and I was wearing ballet flats, in 10 degrees). I was exhausted and crying really hard on my way home. All of a sudden, a song came on,
To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye
And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right
There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus
When your lonely (when you're lonely)
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
To the widow who suffers from being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight
Hearing this song made me feel better and I thought that maybe Alec played it for me. (It is by Third Day, a favorite Christian rock group of mine, but I had never heard this song before.) There always seems to be some little sign for me, right when I need it most. Some could call it coincidence...but I know better.
It does not make it easier or OK, but it helps get through a day. And then there is Chase. He is amazing. He is so curious, so happy, he eats everything and is standing up now, all by himself. I see so much of Alec in him...never sitting still, making everyone smile, giving big bear hugs. I love him so much.
I miss my Alec more and more every day. I just want to make him proud, and that gives me reason to keep going.
Thank you for the love, prayers and continued support.
Love,
Heather
PS...thanks for the snow Alec, finally I could go xcountry skiing this weekend!
OK...these pictures would not make Alec proud, but I couldn't resist...Chase and Millie are so cute together, they even share toys. (Please do not call DSS on me!)
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Stars
Today at church Jan talked about stars, and it got me thinking...
Alec always loved looking up at the sky, naming off constellations, telling me the science behind shooting stars, pointing out the North star and always testing my knowledge of the galaxy.
Auntie Tam gave Chase a very special Christmas gift, a star named after him and his Daddy. The package came with an official certificate and a chart to show exactly where "Chase and Daddy" is located. It really is so neat, to think that Chase someday will know that there is actually a star up there, with his name on it. And, it is such a nice reminder, for me, when I look up at the sky, I know Alec is out there somewhere, even at night, watching over us.
Last week there was a meteor shower and I thought of Alec. Every meteor shower he would wake me up, (most are 3:00 am or later) grab a big blanket and head outside. Because of him, I have many beautiful memories of cold winter nights and the two of us sitting in the quiet, watching the stars falling all around us. I thought about waking up and watching it last week, but didn't and now I regret it (I tried to cheat, watching it through the skylights while in bed, and at 9:30 when it wasn't supposed to start until 3). Maybe Alec was up there, wanting to show me and I missed it. Next time, I promise to wake up.
I miss Alec. He never let a moment pass him by, no matter how late or cold or any other hundred excuses one could come up with, he literally never took a moment for granted. And, he could make me do anything, (ME, get up at 3:00am to go sit in the cold!?) But for Alec I would do it, and I would love every second, taking it all in, hoping I would always have these special moments to look forward to. Now, looking back, I don't have to wonder why I did it, or why he lived the way he did. I chose to be with him, every second I possibly could, and I cherished it all. I wonder if something in my heart told me never to let those moments pass because they would be cut short. I wonder if he did the same. Tuesday, before Alec passed away, we had one last campfire, just the two of us. We sat outside for about an hour, I asked him what his proudest moment was, he said becoming a Dad. We saw one last shooting star together that night.
Chase has a new favorite video that I found on YouTube, every time I watch it with him I shed a tear and think of Alec.
I guess it's just funny, the way the universe works. All of a sudden, stars are every where. Chase gets one for Christmas, a meteor shower, a YouTube video, a church service. Maybe Alec is up there, reminding me to always keep my head up, and showing me that although night falls, and it is dark and sometimes scary, he is up there, lighting the way...always.
Alec always loved looking up at the sky, naming off constellations, telling me the science behind shooting stars, pointing out the North star and always testing my knowledge of the galaxy.
Auntie Tam gave Chase a very special Christmas gift, a star named after him and his Daddy. The package came with an official certificate and a chart to show exactly where "Chase and Daddy" is located. It really is so neat, to think that Chase someday will know that there is actually a star up there, with his name on it. And, it is such a nice reminder, for me, when I look up at the sky, I know Alec is out there somewhere, even at night, watching over us.
Last week there was a meteor shower and I thought of Alec. Every meteor shower he would wake me up, (most are 3:00 am or later) grab a big blanket and head outside. Because of him, I have many beautiful memories of cold winter nights and the two of us sitting in the quiet, watching the stars falling all around us. I thought about waking up and watching it last week, but didn't and now I regret it (I tried to cheat, watching it through the skylights while in bed, and at 9:30 when it wasn't supposed to start until 3). Maybe Alec was up there, wanting to show me and I missed it. Next time, I promise to wake up.
I miss Alec. He never let a moment pass him by, no matter how late or cold or any other hundred excuses one could come up with, he literally never took a moment for granted. And, he could make me do anything, (ME, get up at 3:00am to go sit in the cold!?) But for Alec I would do it, and I would love every second, taking it all in, hoping I would always have these special moments to look forward to. Now, looking back, I don't have to wonder why I did it, or why he lived the way he did. I chose to be with him, every second I possibly could, and I cherished it all. I wonder if something in my heart told me never to let those moments pass because they would be cut short. I wonder if he did the same. Tuesday, before Alec passed away, we had one last campfire, just the two of us. We sat outside for about an hour, I asked him what his proudest moment was, he said becoming a Dad. We saw one last shooting star together that night.
Chase has a new favorite video that I found on YouTube, every time I watch it with him I shed a tear and think of Alec.
I guess it's just funny, the way the universe works. All of a sudden, stars are every where. Chase gets one for Christmas, a meteor shower, a YouTube video, a church service. Maybe Alec is up there, reminding me to always keep my head up, and showing me that although night falls, and it is dark and sometimes scary, he is up there, lighting the way...always.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Alec Winks
I realize that all my posts lately have been kind of depressing. I am actually not sitting around crying all the time, although some days I want to. I am very much in control of my grief and taking care of myself and little Chase. We are healthy and happy, just really missing Alec and trying to adjust to this new life, a life without my best friend and soul mate. I am not trying to minimize my pain or how hard this is, but I do have good days (also I have bad days) but I do still believe Alec is with us, and would like to share a few "Winks" that might make you smile as they did me.
I started running again and found that it is so good for my mind, body and my spirit. I find that the 30 to 40 minutes I am out there, I am with Alec and it has become "my time" with him. I think about him, look for him and listen to all the songs that remind me of him. Of course I am always looking for "Alec Winks" every moment of every day, especially while I am running. I haven't seen the bald eagle again, but Alec has been here and his presence is sometimes overwhelming. I know it has to be him.
The other day I went for a quick walk around the block, (which happens to be through the woods and down a dirt road which not many people travel on). Out of no where, 3 sketchy looking guys popped out of the woods, I am not even sure where they came from or what they were doing, (not hunting because they had no guns). I quickly walked by them and a few minutes later decided I should go home and stay inside, alarm system armed. Well the next morning I needed to run, it was beautiful and Millie needed more exercise since she got jipped the night before. I searched high and low for my ear phones (which I had just used a day or today earlier) so I could listen to my ipod. I must have looked in 10 coat pockets, 7 drawers and every closet. Finally I found them, in the same jacket that had a can of pepper spray Alec had bought me which I had also misplaced at some point over a year ago...coincidence? I don't think so. Alec was always so nervous about me walking or running, he made me carry it with me. Then I find it in my ski jacket, the day after seeing some random sketchy guys? It was as if Alec was telling me I was not to walk alone again with out the pepper spray he had bought me. It made me smile, knowing that he is still looking out for his family.
Sometimes I have a hard time getting Chase to take a nap, he will not settle down on the couch, in his crib, in my arms. He is so fidgety and restless, never wanting to miss a thing. I finally get so flustered, I bundle him up and take him outside in his stroller. I swear that Alec is singing him to sleep from Heaven. Chase stares up at the trees, with this look in his eyes I cant even explain, he is totally mesmerized and calm and still and finally, after 10 or 15 minutes of complete quiet and relaxation he is sound asleep. I find myself looking off into the direction where his big blue eyes were fixated...I half expect to see Alec there, smiling down, shooshing him from the sky. Is Alec helping me? Do babies have some sort of sixth sense? I am starting to believe that Alec is helping me care for Chase more than I ever thought possible.
Then last week I went for another run. I was with Millie and Chase and listening to my favorite song "Light Up The Sky" by "The Afters" a song that was on the slideshow I had made for Alec that played at the wake. It was a dreary day, but I noticed to the right of me the sky had broken and the sun was shining through the clouds, and rays of light were coming down. I thought to myself how beautiful, maybe Alec was there. I took a picture with my ipod and kept running. Oddly enough, as I ran another half mile down the road, the sun light had moved and seemed to be following us. I took another picture and then turned a left onto Kings Highway. Again, I looked up and noticed the sun was now on the beach, the rays of light even more beautiful and bright, and had turned back to dark gray from where we had come from. I had to stop and stare and reflect on this for a few minutes. Was it really Alec? Was he showing me he was with us? I had this overwhelming feeling in my heart that he was there. I was not sad, I was smiling and happy, it was a true sign that he is with us and sometimes, he will come down and say "Hi, I am here, I am watching you and Chase and Millie. Do not be afraid". I snapped a few more pictures (only wishing I had my "real" camera!). It was just amazing and I was so grateful for him being there and for giving me a beautiful sign.
I came home that night and read from a book Jill's friends had sent me called "Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief" by Martha Whitmore Hickman. It sits on my nightstand and I must admit I don't find much comfort in anything I read lately. But I randomly opened to December 12 and read the following:
"Dead and Gone though they may be, as we come to understand them in new ways, it is as though they come to understand us, and through them we come to understand ourselves, in new ways too." Frederick Buechner
This delicate dance with the souls of the dead is something we don't begin to understand right away. We think the immediate relationship is ended, though we know we will continue to remember, and to grieve.
But as we dwell in memory on our experiences with the one who is physically gone, his or her psychic presence rather than being confined to the body we knew and loved seems somehow to expand and surround us with its gentle understanding, its compassion and love.
So we enter upon different kinds of conversations, often exchanges without words. We seem to arrive at a mutual understanding and appreciation for the goodness and the difficulty we were in each other's life. We're able to smile benevolently at all that flurry and to relish, instead this deep love and peace.
Dear departed love, continue to be with me, as I will with you.
-Martha Whitmore Hickman
After reading this I really started to wonder...Alec is physically gone, but really, is he here all the time? I believe that he is with me more now than he ever was. He surrounds me with his love, his spirit. Although Alec had a larger than life presence, and his not here in flesh, he is coming back and he is being seen and heard. I did not want to leave the sun that day...I wanted to walk underneath it and feel Alec's warm embrace and have him hold me forever. But for now, I am going to have to take it where I can get it, and I will and I will continue to be grateful for these signs.
I miss him terribly, more and more each day, but I am learning he is here with me, with Chase, and sometimes I just have to look a little harder, other times he will shine down from Heaven, just there, for all to see. As if he is saying "Here I am Heath...I love you!" I love you too Alec, I miss you. And Chase loves you too. Even Millie loves and misses you.
I started running again and found that it is so good for my mind, body and my spirit. I find that the 30 to 40 minutes I am out there, I am with Alec and it has become "my time" with him. I think about him, look for him and listen to all the songs that remind me of him. Of course I am always looking for "Alec Winks" every moment of every day, especially while I am running. I haven't seen the bald eagle again, but Alec has been here and his presence is sometimes overwhelming. I know it has to be him.
The other day I went for a quick walk around the block, (which happens to be through the woods and down a dirt road which not many people travel on). Out of no where, 3 sketchy looking guys popped out of the woods, I am not even sure where they came from or what they were doing, (not hunting because they had no guns). I quickly walked by them and a few minutes later decided I should go home and stay inside, alarm system armed. Well the next morning I needed to run, it was beautiful and Millie needed more exercise since she got jipped the night before. I searched high and low for my ear phones (which I had just used a day or today earlier) so I could listen to my ipod. I must have looked in 10 coat pockets, 7 drawers and every closet. Finally I found them, in the same jacket that had a can of pepper spray Alec had bought me which I had also misplaced at some point over a year ago...coincidence? I don't think so. Alec was always so nervous about me walking or running, he made me carry it with me. Then I find it in my ski jacket, the day after seeing some random sketchy guys? It was as if Alec was telling me I was not to walk alone again with out the pepper spray he had bought me. It made me smile, knowing that he is still looking out for his family.
Sometimes I have a hard time getting Chase to take a nap, he will not settle down on the couch, in his crib, in my arms. He is so fidgety and restless, never wanting to miss a thing. I finally get so flustered, I bundle him up and take him outside in his stroller. I swear that Alec is singing him to sleep from Heaven. Chase stares up at the trees, with this look in his eyes I cant even explain, he is totally mesmerized and calm and still and finally, after 10 or 15 minutes of complete quiet and relaxation he is sound asleep. I find myself looking off into the direction where his big blue eyes were fixated...I half expect to see Alec there, smiling down, shooshing him from the sky. Is Alec helping me? Do babies have some sort of sixth sense? I am starting to believe that Alec is helping me care for Chase more than I ever thought possible.
Then last week I went for another run. I was with Millie and Chase and listening to my favorite song "Light Up The Sky" by "The Afters" a song that was on the slideshow I had made for Alec that played at the wake. It was a dreary day, but I noticed to the right of me the sky had broken and the sun was shining through the clouds, and rays of light were coming down. I thought to myself how beautiful, maybe Alec was there. I took a picture with my ipod and kept running. Oddly enough, as I ran another half mile down the road, the sun light had moved and seemed to be following us. I took another picture and then turned a left onto Kings Highway. Again, I looked up and noticed the sun was now on the beach, the rays of light even more beautiful and bright, and had turned back to dark gray from where we had come from. I had to stop and stare and reflect on this for a few minutes. Was it really Alec? Was he showing me he was with us? I had this overwhelming feeling in my heart that he was there. I was not sad, I was smiling and happy, it was a true sign that he is with us and sometimes, he will come down and say "Hi, I am here, I am watching you and Chase and Millie. Do not be afraid". I snapped a few more pictures (only wishing I had my "real" camera!). It was just amazing and I was so grateful for him being there and for giving me a beautiful sign.
I came home that night and read from a book Jill's friends had sent me called "Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief" by Martha Whitmore Hickman. It sits on my nightstand and I must admit I don't find much comfort in anything I read lately. But I randomly opened to December 12 and read the following:
"Dead and Gone though they may be, as we come to understand them in new ways, it is as though they come to understand us, and through them we come to understand ourselves, in new ways too." Frederick Buechner
This delicate dance with the souls of the dead is something we don't begin to understand right away. We think the immediate relationship is ended, though we know we will continue to remember, and to grieve.
But as we dwell in memory on our experiences with the one who is physically gone, his or her psychic presence rather than being confined to the body we knew and loved seems somehow to expand and surround us with its gentle understanding, its compassion and love.
So we enter upon different kinds of conversations, often exchanges without words. We seem to arrive at a mutual understanding and appreciation for the goodness and the difficulty we were in each other's life. We're able to smile benevolently at all that flurry and to relish, instead this deep love and peace.
Dear departed love, continue to be with me, as I will with you.
-Martha Whitmore Hickman
After reading this I really started to wonder...Alec is physically gone, but really, is he here all the time? I believe that he is with me more now than he ever was. He surrounds me with his love, his spirit. Although Alec had a larger than life presence, and his not here in flesh, he is coming back and he is being seen and heard. I did not want to leave the sun that day...I wanted to walk underneath it and feel Alec's warm embrace and have him hold me forever. But for now, I am going to have to take it where I can get it, and I will and I will continue to be grateful for these signs.
I miss him terribly, more and more each day, but I am learning he is here with me, with Chase, and sometimes I just have to look a little harder, other times he will shine down from Heaven, just there, for all to see. As if he is saying "Here I am Heath...I love you!" I love you too Alec, I miss you. And Chase loves you too. Even Millie loves and misses you.
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