Possible

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Chase and I headed to the Lombardo's for a delicious feast. It was the perfect day, the only thing missing was Alec. Chris said the most beautiful Grace, and I know that Alec was with us, smiling down on his beautiful family.

I guess I am moving along in this "grief process". My heart doesn't constantly ache, it comes in waves now. And I may be in the denial phase, because every half hour or so I have to ask myself if Alec is really gone. It is as if I am expecting to see him come through the door or call my phone. His truck is still parked in the driveway, his clothes hang in his closet, his tools are neatly put away in the basement where he left them, Millie walks around with his slippers, but Alec is not here and he never will be again. To put that in words seems so surreal. There is a void in my life, a missing piece, a silence, an emptiness in my heart that I don't think will ever be filled.

I am learning that life does go on. Chase turned 6 months on the 23rd, he has his first two teeth coming through, he holds his bottle and rolls over...he is growing up.

Last Sunday the sermon was titled "rethink possible".

I asked Jan for a copy, because I needed to hear it again, read it aloud more than once. I have to believe it.

Jan said:

"But what about when something that we believe with all our hearts is possible, becomes impossible. We all believed with all our hearts in the possibility that Judy and Alec Cyr could survive the cancer that had assaulted their bodies. We prayed hard and believed that with enough faith in God, it was possible that they would survive. What happens now to Heather and Chase, Caryn, Charlotte and Tamrya, Sue and Frank...to Kim and Matthew and Teri? They all have to “rethink possible”. I have now to believe that it is possible for my life to go on without Alec.....without Judy.... and I will reshape my thinking, expand the boundaries of “can” and go on down a new path of possibilities.

But, it ain’t easy, to use the vernacular. Healing and a rebirth of new possibilities, does happen, and we believe in a Divine presence which strengthens us and makes this possible."

Looking back at the last 2 years, I would never have thought getting through all we did would be possible. But somehow, some way, we did. And now, I realize that it is possible to smile and laugh and enjoy friends and family and nature and life. In time I will learn that living with out Alec is possible.

I am resentful towards bad people. I wonder why this didn't happen to them, why a loving husband, a devoted father? Why such a good man? A good family? I will never understand. My mind will not let go, I obsess about him, I remember his laugh, his smile, his eyes, his hands. I think constantly, "What would Alec do? What would he want for us? Would he be OK with this? What would he think of Chase? Am I doing a good job? Would he be proud of us?" I guess in a way, that is Alec, still impacting my life. I still consider him, and although he is not here, he is somehow always with me, helping me, guiding me.

For now I am just trying to get through each day, trying to be stong for my son and trust in God that we will be OK.

Thank you for the constant support, love, prayers. I do have so much to be grateful for.

"if you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes" Mark 9:23

Incredible Machine...

What an unbelievable weekend! I can not believe how amazing you all are...

I thought I was going to be crying all day, in fact, I was having a moment of weakness Saturday while we were getting ready, I did not know if I could do it...wasn't I just subjecting myself to more pain and heart ache by surrounding myself with more colon cancer? But once we got there and I saw how many of you came out and supported and donated and walked or ran, my sadness was immediately replaced by joy and laughter. How could I not be smiling ear to ear all day!?

You are all incredible, and Chase and I are so blessed. Family, friends, church, co-workers, MGH nurses you are all so special to Alec, and Chase and I. I am beyond grateful.

Some of the STATS...
There were over 100 people on team Alec in Boston.
30 people in Biddeford Pool = over 130 people!
3 team members won medals, including my Dad (3rd place for his age group).
We had the second largest team (we won a plaque!).
And, second for money raised (over 12,000 in 3 weeks!).
Over 1300 people walked or ran in the first annual Get Your Rear In Gear, Boston. Over 100K raised for colon cancer prevention and education.

So awesome! It was such a beautiful day, I really think Alec kept the wind at our backs and the SUN SHINING! It was a wonderful run, I will always hold this day close to my heart.

We met some really amazing people, some are still fighting, others were honoring loved ones. I realized we have a big job and a long road ahead of us, colon cancer is every where and we need to create awareness. I started to think about how many people I knew who are or were in their 20's or 30's when they were diagnosed...

Alec...33 when he was diagnosed died at 35.
Auntie Beth...32 when she was diagnosed, survivor.
Skip...33 years old when he was diagnosed, died at 34.
Eric from MGH...28 years old, died at 29.
A friend reached out to me earlier this week, his wife was diagnosed at age 29 and died at 33.
TJ whom I met Saturday, 28 years old and fighting hard. (and we are praying so hard for him!)

How is this possible? I am 31,(we skipped my birthday, it was 10/22, Alecs last day with us) I should not know this many people with colon cancer. It is frightening. I am mad...but mostly I am sad, because no one should have to go through this. I am sad for those who are still fighting, it is such a long road. My heart literally breaks when I hear of yet another young person battling this terrible disease. I just don't understand. I will promise to do all that I can to make people aware and if one person can be saved from what we just went through, than I will feel like we have made a difference.

I am told that each day it gets easier, I am not there yet. Each day I realize that this is real and I am not waking up nor is Alec coming back. Sometimes I have to put my hand over my heart to try an stop it from aching, I did not know how much this could hurt. Tonight was a bad night...I am just sad and sulky. As I was waiting for the slideshow to create, my laptop went into hibernate. I checked on it, and the screen saver was "I Love You Shmoo". I have never seen this before, at some point Alec must have gone into my computer and changed the sreen savor. It was the weirdest and cutest thing...Alec...I love you too. Then I went to bed and I was actually crying (again) because I miss him. In walks Millie with my 2 LL Bean slippers, she brought them both to me while I was crying. The very last trick Alec taught Millie was for her to bring him his slippers. I know he is here, I just wish I could touch him and kiss him and hug him and he could kiss me and hug me back.

I really want to thank you all. Saturday was such a special day. I met so many great people, and I know Alec is in awe of the day and all of you...he would be so touched. I felt his presence, I know he was with all of us. He is so proud. Thank you and I promise we will do this next year. I loved our "camo" theme, if Alec were here, he would have been hunting last weekend, so the hats, shirts, all the camo gear really suited him well. (Although we all looked like a bunch of red necks from Maine at the bar in Boston!) I made a slideshow of all the photos and pictures. I chose the song, Incredible Machine by Sugarland...because that is what we are.

Love,

Heather, Chase and Millie

Hanging In There....

We are doing OK. I heard that each day it gets easier, although I am not sure I believe that, because each day I miss Alec more and I start to realize I am never going to see him again.



Millie misses her Dadda...she has to know what has happened. I think dogs are smarter than we think. She is grieving too, and I am there for her. Because, when I need her, she is always there for me, with her head on my knee, crying with me. We are good for each other, she needs a walk every day, and so do I. We need each other. I love my Millie girl.



But then there is Chase, who needs me, and I need to be strong and brave for him.

And we all have our family and friends, and that is what matters most. I don't know where I would be without you all.



The beautiful days are so much more beautiful and I know Alec us somewhere out there, watching, protecting.



My family now...



He is the reason...



How can I not be grateful? I have Alec with me always...



And he makes us all so happy...



I love my sweet baby...he is a constant reminder of Miracles, and God and Hope and Faith.



Life will never be the same, I miss my husband more than I thought possible. There is a void that will never be filled. He is gone, and my heart aches...but luckily, I have my Chase and he is my world. I will go on.

Love,

Heather

Life without My Alec...

I do not know where to begin...

The last week has been a nightmare, in which I keep wondering when I am going to wake up. But each day comes and goes, and although my life has come to a screeching halt and my heart is breaking, I am realizing that life does some how go on.

I am so grateful for everyone who has been there for us, especially the last 10 days. I was overwhelmed by how many of you came to Maine to say good bye to Alec and to be there for Chase and I. It is truly amazing and I am forever grateful. The flowers, cards, food, love, prayers, it is endless and one thing I learned throughout this experience is how incredibly good and kind people are. Thank you just seems inadequate for all you have done for us...but please know how much it means to me, to Alec and to our families.

Church on Friday was so special. Every word spoken, song sang, prayer said, it was all Alec and so amazing. Thank you to all who spoke and sang and to Jan for delivering the most beautiful eulogy ever. I was actually smiling through most of the service, looking back at the memories, the pictures, the funny Alec stories, it was an incredible tribute to an incredible man.

I am sad...and I don't know if I will ever be myself again. I know that life goes on, but I don't want it to, I want to go back. Chase gets me through each day, and I do not know where I would be without him. His smile makes me smile and he is the only reason I get out of bed. I look forward to seeing more of his Daddy in him and that gives me reason to go on.

Just when I think I am having an OK moment, I hear a song or something reminds me of Alec and I am sobbing. It is so hard to go from a perfect life, to a shattered life, and it will take a long time to pick up the pieces and to feel normal again.

Only few people can relate to what I am going through (thankfully) and I believe they were meant to come into my life. Megan Van De Geisen, a classmate of mine lost her husband 2 years ago when she was pregnant with her second baby. When I first heard about her husband, it was right after Alec was diagnosed. I remember laying in bed and I cried and cried...how could this happen to our families? Both Kyle and Alec had so much to live for, and would have done anything to be here. Why did they get taken away from us? We are good people, we need our husbands, our babies need their Daddy's. I will never understand.

Megan and I talked the other night, we laughed, we cried and she gave me the best advice, I am so, so grateful that she reached out to me. One piece of advice was to always talk about Alec, make reference to him every day and over time, Chase will know exactly who his Daddy was. This is so important to me and I will encourage family and friends to do the same. She also said that when you lose someone, you never move on, but you move forward, I could not agree more. I don't ever want to move on...but I don't have a choice except to move forward. She has been an inspiration to me for 2 years and I have admired her strength...she is truly amazing and I believe although we have this horrible connection now, we will be friends for life.

Throughout this experience, I have never stopped believing in God. I know he is the one that got us through the last few weeks, he was there when I sat by Alec and sang to him and and held his hand and told him how much I loved him. God did not give Alec cancer, God got us through the last two years, and he found Alec and Alec found him. Alec died believing in God and knowing he was going to a place that we can only dream about.

Alec will always be my hero. His outlook on life was like no other, his Faith never waivered, he never doubted that we wouldn't get through this. He literally fought until his very last breath. I love him even more for that, because I know he wanted to be here for me and for Chase. His entire medical team at MGH was in awe of him, they never once saw him weak or feeling sorry for himself. I hate to say it, but if Alec can't beat stage 4 colon cancer, no one can.

I do not ever want to stop writing about him, talking about him, thinking about him. He will live on through me and everyone who loved him...I still can not believe he is gone.

Again, I want to thank everyone out there, I will eventually sit down and sort through all you have done for us and thank you personally for it. But for now, please know how much it means to me, I can not even put into words my appreciation for your graciousness. Chase and I are so blessed and with the love and support of family and friends, I know we will be OK.

Love,

Heather, Chase and Millie

A reading from Alec's service,

*I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith:
Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing.*
Timothy 4:7-8


And, a little trick or treat from Chase...who went with a "surf and turf" theme.