Possible

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Chase and I headed to the Lombardo's for a delicious feast. It was the perfect day, the only thing missing was Alec. Chris said the most beautiful Grace, and I know that Alec was with us, smiling down on his beautiful family.

I guess I am moving along in this "grief process". My heart doesn't constantly ache, it comes in waves now. And I may be in the denial phase, because every half hour or so I have to ask myself if Alec is really gone. It is as if I am expecting to see him come through the door or call my phone. His truck is still parked in the driveway, his clothes hang in his closet, his tools are neatly put away in the basement where he left them, Millie walks around with his slippers, but Alec is not here and he never will be again. To put that in words seems so surreal. There is a void in my life, a missing piece, a silence, an emptiness in my heart that I don't think will ever be filled.

I am learning that life does go on. Chase turned 6 months on the 23rd, he has his first two teeth coming through, he holds his bottle and rolls over...he is growing up.

Last Sunday the sermon was titled "rethink possible".

I asked Jan for a copy, because I needed to hear it again, read it aloud more than once. I have to believe it.

Jan said:

"But what about when something that we believe with all our hearts is possible, becomes impossible. We all believed with all our hearts in the possibility that Judy and Alec Cyr could survive the cancer that had assaulted their bodies. We prayed hard and believed that with enough faith in God, it was possible that they would survive. What happens now to Heather and Chase, Caryn, Charlotte and Tamrya, Sue and Frank...to Kim and Matthew and Teri? They all have to “rethink possible”. I have now to believe that it is possible for my life to go on without Alec.....without Judy.... and I will reshape my thinking, expand the boundaries of “can” and go on down a new path of possibilities.

But, it ain’t easy, to use the vernacular. Healing and a rebirth of new possibilities, does happen, and we believe in a Divine presence which strengthens us and makes this possible."

Looking back at the last 2 years, I would never have thought getting through all we did would be possible. But somehow, some way, we did. And now, I realize that it is possible to smile and laugh and enjoy friends and family and nature and life. In time I will learn that living with out Alec is possible.

I am resentful towards bad people. I wonder why this didn't happen to them, why a loving husband, a devoted father? Why such a good man? A good family? I will never understand. My mind will not let go, I obsess about him, I remember his laugh, his smile, his eyes, his hands. I think constantly, "What would Alec do? What would he want for us? Would he be OK with this? What would he think of Chase? Am I doing a good job? Would he be proud of us?" I guess in a way, that is Alec, still impacting my life. I still consider him, and although he is not here, he is somehow always with me, helping me, guiding me.

For now I am just trying to get through each day, trying to be stong for my son and trust in God that we will be OK.

Thank you for the constant support, love, prayers. I do have so much to be grateful for.

"if you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes" Mark 9:23