The last week has been a nightmare, in which I keep wondering when I am going to wake up. But each day comes and goes, and although my life has come to a screeching halt and my heart is breaking, I am realizing that life does some how go on.
I am so grateful for everyone who has been there for us, especially the last 10 days. I was overwhelmed by how many of you came to Maine to say good bye to Alec and to be there for Chase and I. It is truly amazing and I am forever grateful. The flowers, cards, food, love, prayers, it is endless and one thing I learned throughout this experience is how incredibly good and kind people are. Thank you just seems inadequate for all you have done for us...but please know how much it means to me, to Alec and to our families.
Church on Friday was so special. Every word spoken, song sang, prayer said, it was all Alec and so amazing. Thank you to all who spoke and sang and to Jan for delivering the most beautiful eulogy ever. I was actually smiling through most of the service, looking back at the memories, the pictures, the funny Alec stories, it was an incredible tribute to an incredible man.
I am sad...and I don't know if I will ever be myself again. I know that life goes on, but I don't want it to, I want to go back. Chase gets me through each day, and I do not know where I would be without him. His smile makes me smile and he is the only reason I get out of bed. I look forward to seeing more of his Daddy in him and that gives me reason to go on.
Just when I think I am having an OK moment, I hear a song or something reminds me of Alec and I am sobbing. It is so hard to go from a perfect life, to a shattered life, and it will take a long time to pick up the pieces and to feel normal again.
Only few people can relate to what I am going through (thankfully) and I believe they were meant to come into my life. Megan Van De Geisen, a classmate of mine lost her husband 2 years ago when she was pregnant with her second baby. When I first heard about her husband, it was right after Alec was diagnosed. I remember laying in bed and I cried and cried...how could this happen to our families? Both Kyle and Alec had so much to live for, and would have done anything to be here. Why did they get taken away from us? We are good people, we need our husbands, our babies need their Daddy's. I will never understand.
Megan and I talked the other night, we laughed, we cried and she gave me the best advice, I am so, so grateful that she reached out to me. One piece of advice was to always talk about Alec, make reference to him every day and over time, Chase will know exactly who his Daddy was. This is so important to me and I will encourage family and friends to do the same. She also said that when you lose someone, you never move on, but you move forward, I could not agree more. I don't ever want to move on...but I don't have a choice except to move forward. She has been an inspiration to me for 2 years and I have admired her strength...she is truly amazing and I believe although we have this horrible connection now, we will be friends for life.
Throughout this experience, I have never stopped believing in God. I know he is the one that got us through the last few weeks, he was there when I sat by Alec and sang to him and and held his hand and told him how much I loved him. God did not give Alec cancer, God got us through the last two years, and he found Alec and Alec found him. Alec died believing in God and knowing he was going to a place that we can only dream about.
Alec will always be my hero. His outlook on life was like no other, his Faith never waivered, he never doubted that we wouldn't get through this. He literally fought until his very last breath. I love him even more for that, because I know he wanted to be here for me and for Chase. His entire medical team at MGH was in awe of him, they never once saw him weak or feeling sorry for himself. I hate to say it, but if Alec can't beat stage 4 colon cancer, no one can.
I do not ever want to stop writing about him, talking about him, thinking about him. He will live on through me and everyone who loved him...I still can not believe he is gone.
Again, I want to thank everyone out there, I will eventually sit down and sort through all you have done for us and thank you personally for it. But for now, please know how much it means to me, I can not even put into words my appreciation for your graciousness. Chase and I are so blessed and with the love and support of family and friends, I know we will be OK.
Love,
Heather, Chase and Millie
A reading from Alec's service,
*I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith:
Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing.*
Timothy 4:7-8
And, a little trick or treat from Chase...who went with a "surf and turf" theme.
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