Forever Yours

I have a confession...I listen to Christian radio. Don't judge.  One day I stumbled upon Positive 89.3, a Portland station whose motto is "the right song at the right time".  I heard the song "Born Again" by Third Day and I listened to it hundreds of times, it got me through my worst days and gave me hope in my most hopeless of times.  I needed that song and I believe that I heard it on that long drive home from MGH for a reason. I made Alec listen to it, over and over again too.  It is a song about hope and new beginings and finding God and it lifted my spirits and I believe both Alec and I were indeed "Born Again" through our journey. 

Then there was the song "I've always loved you", also by Third Day, which is a song I used for Alec's slideshow, at his funeral and I thought that song was so fitting.  I felt like it was Alec, talking to me, to Chase, his family and his friends, through the words of that song.

And a few months ago, I heard the song "Forever Yours".  I think Alec wrote this song for me, I know I sound crazy, but its true, he wrote it for me.  I needed to hear it.  It was the right song at the right time.  I love this song and I love you Alec.

"Forever Yours"


Hello to you, my love
I hope that you're doing well
I miss you so much
How I wish that I were there

There is a reason for everything
And there is hope, so don't let go
There's something more
Remember always
I'll remain forever yours
Forever yours

Oh, memories will fade
But don't let your heart forget
You'll see me again
But that day is not here yet

Sometimes you can't remember
Sometimes you can't forget
Sometimes you gotta do what must be done
And I'll love you forever and so until the end

I'll keep on holding on
Will you keep on holding on

When it's time to leave this world
And reach the other side
I'll wait for you upon that distant shore
For I have made a promise
And I hope you won't forget
I will always remain forever yours

Somewhere far beyond this place
And in another time
I know we'll be together once again
For I have made a promise
And I hope you won't forget
I will always remain forever yours

Forever yours
I have made a promise
And I hope you won't forget
That I'll always remain forever yours
Forever yours



And, best of all, for Christmas Jill got me and my Mom tickets to the Third Day concert in March.  I am beyond excited about this!  I serisouly can not wait.  It is going to be incredible and I am sure Alec will be there too!

If you need a new song or two to download to itunes, these are my three favorite, but any of them by Third Day is amazing.  And, 89.3 is a really great station.  Love me some Christian Rock! 



Prayers for TJ

Prayers for TJ.

Yet another young man fighting colon cancer needs our prayers.  TJ, I met last year at the Rear In Gear in Boston.  He had just had his liver surgery and courageously walked the 5K, he had the biggest team and raised the most money and has been an inspiration to so many.  This year, he was again at the race with his entire family, so many friends, and his new fiance and was, in October considered, "cancer free".  This week he had a CT scan and with it came the most dreaded and feared results...the cancer was back and he needs to go on chemo as soon as possible.  My heart aches for him, his family and his fiance.  He is getting married on January 26th.  The fact that another young man and family is going through this makes me mad, sad and it puts that pit back in my stomach. It reminds me of those long, bad days at MGH, the ones where I would be beside myself with worry as we waited for results and then we would get the news and be once again knocked down, our hopes shattered, our future so unknown.  I hate, hate, hate cancer and I hate that TJ and his family had a day like that this week.

Nothing gave me more comfort than knowing how many people were praying for us...and I felt as if the more people that prayed, the better we would be.  So if you are looking for someone to pray for, please pray for TJ. 

It's funny...to see people complain about a "bad day".  You know, your car doesn't start, you spill your coffee, traffic is bad, the weather, a flight delay, a bad cold...etc, etc.  I, as do so many people fighting cancer know a thing or two about a "bad day".  They are the days when you find out you or your loved one has cancer,  the day you learn the cancer is back, the day you find out the cancer has metastasized, the day the chemo stops working.  A bad day is when a doctor tells you there is nothing else they can do, and they send you to palliative care.  Bad days are when hospice comes to your house for the first time and you lie to your husband, telling him it is just a visiting nurse, that we still have hope and time, that love and prayers are enough, that its never too late for a miracle.  Bad days are when you learn how to administer morphine, and you slowly watch the love of your life slip away.  Bad days are when you bury your husband and your heart is being torn apart. 

I guess it is the "it" I was trying to explain before.  Where you just learn what really matters and why...and despite it all, all the bad days and heartache, "it" changes your life forever and and really is a lovely way to live.

Next time you have a "bad day"  think of TJ, and any other cancer patient you may know and say a little prayer for him.  And, THANK GOD for all you do have, nothing can help turn a bad day into a good day more than being grateful.

I pray, that TJ and his family have no more bad days for a long time.  I pray that the chemo works and they get through this next challenge, that they live well and long and happily ever after.  And, I never stop believing in the power of prayer and that miracles really can happen. 

Good Bye 2012...

Happy New Year!

There is no way I could have gone through 2012 without my faith, family and friends.  Thank you all, I am so blessed. 

At this point I think it is safe to say that 2012 was the most difficult year of my life.  I may have thought that 2011, the year that Alec passed away was hardest, but 2011 was when Chase was born and we had 4 months of happiness as a perfect little family. It wasn't until the end of 2011, that things got hard, but even those first few months without Alec seemed like a bad dream and I was in a fog.  Reality didn't set in until winter of 2012 when I would put Chase to bed and the loneliness I felt was sometimes unbearable.  Even when I would be surrounded by all my friends and family, I still felt incredibly alone and heartbroken.  My heart, I was sure would never heal or be capable of loving again.  2012 was a full year without Alec and I had to go through all the "firsts"...and it was hard.  Looking back I wonder how I did it, but I know that God carried me and that Alec really was there all along.  And of course Chase...who gives me a million reasons to smile and be happy and watching him grow and develop over the last year has been amazing, I am constantly in awe of that little man.

Last New Years Eve, I was in bed by 10 and I cried and cried.  I can remember that feeling of my heart being torn apart and feeling so hopeless, and hopelessness I had never felt.  This New Years was a bit different...we popped the champagne, danced, and partied till 1:00 am in the morning!  (I did cry a little, but luckily my sister and best friend were there to dry my tears and hand me another drink!)  But I do believe, unlike last year that this year is bright and good things are coming my way. 

Happy New Years!

Nothing about 2012 was easy.  I had to work at my grief and it was challenging and unforgiving at times.  To say I did some "soul searching" would be an understatement.  I read books, went to therapy, went to a medium, held Alec events, and talked often to God and prayed for healing.  I worked on a new relationship with Alec, and I did everything I could to keep him in my life, not just for me but for Chase and it was not easy at first, but now I think I've got it.  I have a habit of sugar coating things or avoiding the talking about the tough parts, but for those people out there who may be going through something similar, I don't want to make it sound as though I hopped out of bed after one year and everything was back to normal.  It was hard work and it will continue to be. I believe 2013 will be less hard, but no walk in the park either.  I still miss Alec like crazy and wonder why he is gone.  I struggle as a single mom, trying to raise a good little boy and run a household and work and find time for everything else.  But my life is beautiful and I know in my heart I am doing the best I can and I have an angel who is always right there making sure we are all OK, what more could I ask for!? 

2012 taught me so much and I am grateful for my experiences.  That old saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is so true.  And I believe Alec and I were brought together for a reason and all that we went through together only made us better people.  He got "it" at one point along the journey and I got "it" about 6 months ago.  I don't really know what "it" is but "it" is wonderful and it really makes your life a very, very special one.  I wish I could pass "it" on to others, but unfortunately I don't think "it" works that way...you simply have to experience "it" for yourself.  If I could describe "it", it would be what you might see when you look into an elderly persons eyes;  a sort of peace, calm, content, joy, happiness, understanding, kindness, hope, but with a little twinkle because even at the end of their life, they know the best is yet to come.

I thank all of my loving family, friends and God for being there for Chase and I for what I hope will have been the hardest year of my life. 

As for a New Years resolution, I think I will stick to what Jan said in her 3 minute sermon on Christmas Eve, GPS...be GRATEFUL, PRAY and SERVE others.  Sounds like the perfect way to live the next year. 

We wish you all the best in 2013, may it be filled with HAPPINESS, HOPE and HEALTH! 

Love and thanks,

Heather, Chase and Millie!