There is no way I could have gone through 2012 without my faith, family and friends. Thank you all, I am so blessed.
At this point I think it is safe to say that 2012 was the most difficult year of my life. I may have thought that 2011, the year that Alec passed away was hardest, but 2011 was when Chase was born and we had 4 months of happiness as a perfect little family. It wasn't until the end of 2011, that things got hard, but even those first few months without Alec seemed like a bad dream and I was in a fog. Reality didn't set in until winter of 2012 when I would put Chase to bed and the loneliness I felt was sometimes unbearable. Even when I would be surrounded by all my friends and family, I still felt incredibly alone and heartbroken. My heart, I was sure would never heal or be capable of loving again. 2012 was a full year without Alec and I had to go through all the "firsts"...and it was hard. Looking back I wonder how I did it, but I know that God carried me and that Alec really was there all along. And of course Chase...who gives me a million reasons to smile and be happy and watching him grow and develop over the last year has been amazing, I am constantly in awe of that little man.
Last New Years Eve, I was in bed by 10 and I cried and cried. I can remember that feeling of my heart being torn apart and feeling so hopeless, and hopelessness I had never felt. This New Years was a bit different...we popped the champagne, danced, and partied till 1:00 am in the morning! (I did cry a little, but luckily my sister and best friend were there to dry my tears and hand me another drink!) But I do believe, unlike last year that this year is bright and good things are coming my way.
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| Happy New Years! |
Nothing about 2012 was easy. I had to work at my grief and it was challenging and unforgiving at times. To say I did some "soul searching" would be an understatement. I read books, went to therapy, went to a medium, held Alec events, and talked often to God and prayed for healing. I worked on a new relationship with Alec, and I did everything I could to keep him in my life, not just for me but for Chase and it was not easy at first, but now I think I've got it. I have a habit of sugar coating things or avoiding the talking about the tough parts, but for those people out there who may be going through something similar, I don't want to make it sound as though I hopped out of bed after one year and everything was back to normal. It was hard work and it will continue to be. I believe 2013 will be less hard, but no walk in the park either. I still miss Alec like crazy and wonder why he is gone. I struggle as a single mom, trying to raise a good little boy and run a household and work and find time for everything else. But my life is beautiful and I know in my heart I am doing the best I can and I have an angel who is always right there making sure we are all OK, what more could I ask for!?
2012 taught me so much and I am grateful for my experiences. That old saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is so true. And I believe Alec and I were brought together for a reason and all that we went through together only made us better people. He got "it" at one point along the journey and I got "it" about 6 months ago. I don't really know what "it" is but "it" is wonderful and it really makes your life a very, very special one. I wish I could pass "it" on to others, but unfortunately I don't think "it" works that way...you simply have to experience "it" for yourself. If I could describe "it", it would be what you might see when you look into an elderly persons eyes; a sort of peace, calm, content, joy, happiness, understanding, kindness, hope, but with a little twinkle because even at the end of their life, they know the best is yet to come.
I thank all of my loving family, friends and God for being there for Chase and I for what I hope will have been the hardest year of my life.
As for a New Years resolution, I think I will stick to what Jan said in her 3 minute sermon on Christmas Eve, GPS...be GRATEFUL, PRAY and SERVE others. Sounds like the perfect way to live the next year.
We wish you all the best in 2013, may it be filled with HAPPINESS, HOPE and HEALTH!
Love and thanks,
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