Tonight Chase and I were reading all his favorite books. We always end on "Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You" By Nancy Tillman. He actually can recite the entire book himself (it is amazing and adorable to hear him!)
As we came upon the last page, he pointed at the picture and said "Mama, is that heaven? Is that where Dada is? I miss him Mama. I need him." My heart broke. I have never had to explain much to Chase about death and his Dad. I have told him many times that his Dad is in heaven and works for God. And we talk about him often, in fact tonight when Chase was watching Curious George he turned to me and said "this was Dada's favorite!" He is becoming curious himself, and you wonder what exactly goes on in a 3 year olds head.
As Fathers Day approaches, his teachers asked who he should make a card for. Papa of course...we are so blessed to have Papa and no one adores his Papa more than Chase. But still...why do all the other kids at school get to see their Dads? Why is there always a Mom and a Dad? Why is Chase's Dad so far, far away? Can't he take a rocket ship and go see him?
Tonight, he seemed so sad. I asked him what was wrong and he sighed and said..."I am just sad" He has
never, ever said he was sad. How heartbreaking that is to hear. How I wish he understood how hard his Dad tried and wanted to be here.
I took for granted the fact that Chase was only 5 months old when Alec died. He never had to mourn the death of his Dad, and I am still convinced that he saw Alec's spirit regularly as an infant. Now he is a smart little boy with questions. As he sat cuddled next to me tonight, I rubbed his back and told him all about his Dada. How he fought so, so hard. How he wanted nothing more than to watch you grow, teach you how to fish, how to ride your bike, how to throw a football. How he is always in your heart Chase...his love will find you wherever you are.
I believe Chase will start to miss his Dada and want to know more and more about him. And I will be ready. It is easy, to tell my son how wonderful his father was. How much he resembles him, how similar they are, how much he LOVED his son. And I want him to look for those signs, the eagles, the dragonflies, the beautiful sunsets, stop...look...listen...Chase...your Dada is everywhere...and he loves you so much.
And so tonight I cried. I cried hard after he went to bed. How is it yesterday I was soaring with happiness and joy...and tonight I cried like a new widow?
This roller coaster of life just keeps on moving. The ups, the downs, the twists and turns. But I wouldn't trade it for anything, it makes me who I am, who I have become and who I am meant to be. And I will never let Chase feel sorry for himself, because his Dad never did, he was proud and humble and never asked why me. I will continue to instill those incredible qualities I loved so much into our son.
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| Chase's version of heaven on the right...and Dada is on the rope swing. XO |
