Getting By...

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas. We made the best of the day, and got through it. Never in my life did I think I would have to "get through" Christmas. I was told the days leading up to Christmas were harder than the actual day...every one says, "its so hard around the holidays". It is hard all the time in my opinion. Christmas came as a welcomed distraction to me, I was so busy shopping, baking, and doing all things Christmas I hardly had time to think. With it all behind me I am left once again stunned and bitter. Now that December is over, I am back to wondering why Alec is not here and what am I supposed to do next.



We had Christmas Eve in Kennebunkport, something me, Alec and his family had done the last 4 years. It was three Christmas Eves ago that we walked into Union Church and felt like we were in a magical place, the people, and the music was beautiful and the presence of God was undeniable. I was so happy that my family was able to come this year, and experience it for the first time. It was a beautiful service, and Jan mentioned Alec, whose picture was displayed amongst beautiful Christmas flowers. Chase got to participate in the service and was the cutest (and biggest) baby Jesus. He is our miracle and I know that Alec must have been so proud. During Alec's last days he liked it when I sang to him (he must have been on some good drugs to ask me to sing!). But he asked me more than once to sing Silent Night...a song that now brings me back to such an emotional and tender time. It was the last song I sang to him, and I think during those last few hours it brought us both peace and comfort. Silent Night was also the last song of the service and it was beautiful and it made me feel like Alec was there with us.



Chase and I were spoiled...Santa and our families were very good to us. And we received some very special gifts. Tina and Bob made us a "Hope Chest" with a verse from our wedding song on the top "Maybe you can walk with me a while. Maybe I can rest beneath your smile". It is very special. Charlotte made Chase a book with pictures of his Daddy doing all the things he loved to do, with captions under each, "Maybe some day you will grow up to be the captain of your very own boat!". My parents gave Chase and I am bag of beach gear and tickets to visit them in Florida this Spring. And many more special gifts, we really are so blessed.



Friday the 30th was Alec's Birthday. He would have been 36, I will never again mind turning a year older. Every Birthday is a milestone and should be celebrated. For Christmas I gave both our families tickets to Alec's favorite comedian, Bob Marley, which happened to be Friday night. I knew Alec would want us all laughing together (last New Years Eve we saw Bob and I was nervous Alec's stitches from his surgery were going to open he was laughing so hard). It was a great night with friends and our families and I know Alec was laughing right along with us.



On the 23rd Chase turned 7 months old. The 23rd of each month is a hard day, although it marks Chase as a month older, it also means Alec has been gone for another month. I hate the 23rd because it means it has been one month longer since I have last seen Alec. But it does mean Chase is a month older and he is a growing healthy baby boy, and I try to be grateful. I guess I can call it a bitter sweet kind of day.

And now it is New Years Eve and I am sad. The last few years I had been so optimistic that the next year was going to be better, that we were going to see the light at the end of the tunnel and be a family forever. I do not know what 2012 holds for us, all I know is that Alec is not here and I am going into a new year without him, looking into the future without him is overwhelming and scary. I know that with God, our Family and Friends, we will get by and be OK.

Thank you all for the never ending love and support and prayers. I am hoping that good things happen in 2012. At least we all know we have a very special gaurdian angel watching over us.

Love and God Bless,

Heather, Chase and Millie


Chase decided he wanted to eat the 7 month this time...

So This Is Christmas...

It is hard to believe that December is here and Christmas is coming, whether I am ready or not. And, I must admit, I am not. We have our tree up, thanks to my friends who helped Chase and I pick it out and decorate, and I am trying to do all the other Christmasy things, but my heart just isn't in it this year. I am usually that annoying person who has her Christmas music blasting on the radio from November 25 on and have all the presents bought and wrapped by now and usually I would have watched Elf a dozen times. To be honest, I am trying, but I am just going through the motions. Everyone says that getting through the Holidays is the hardest part, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Alec's Birthday on the 30th, New Years. It is hard because up until the Holidays, I felt like Alec was just away for a while. Reality hits hard lately, as I drove by Bass Pro Shop the other day, for a second I thought I needed to go in and buy Alec a Christmas present. Or then watching Jon Mogul cut down our tree, something I have seen Alec do for us the last 5 years, it hits me. He really is gone and I will never have those special moments with him again. I willl never buy him another fishing accessory, never again will I make him his favorite meals. I know I should cherish those memories that I did make with him, but right now I just miss him terribly and want to open my eyes and have this all have been a bad dream.

I get sad in the morning, when I am with Chase and he is so fun and happy and laughing and doing all these new cute things. Why isn't his Daddy here to witness this? Why is this all so unfair? Why did I allow myself to believe with all my heart that we would be a family, together forever?

Today at church, the third candle for Advent was lit and represented Joy. Jan had a few people stand up and talk about Joy and what Joys they had in their life. It got me thinking and I remember my heart would literally burst with Joy before Alec got sick. I had this perfect life, with a perfect husband, I felt so grateful, so happy, so lucky, so joyful. And now, my heart is heavy and broken and I wonder if I will ever feel that way again.

Friday, I saw a bald eagle. He was perched high in a tree, stoic, and still and I swear he was watching me. I know it was Alec, and I pulled over off the road to look up. I did not want to drive away, I wanted to talk to this eagle, and bring him home with me. But, I drove on, it made me smile and I did feel a little flutter of Joy in my heart. It is there, it is possible.



My life is so different now and it will take a long time to adjust. There are no more doctors appointments, no more waiting, no more long rides to and from MGH. I miss my old life because no matter how bad some days were, at least Alec was there with me to hold my hand through it.

I am very grateful for all that I do have and for my family and friends and for church. I can not imagine facing this alone.

Kendalle sent me a story today from the Globe. I read it, and I could relate all too well. I believed something with all my heart, and I thought that with enough Hope and Faith and Love, and Prayers, we could defy all the odds, make our own miracles happen. And then, two years later I am left broken hearted and lost. "Sometimes miracles don't take place on earth" often echos in my head. The nurse told me this as I looked at her with tears in my eyes, a couple days before Alec died "But it could still happen, right? A miracle? There is always a chance for miracle". She was right. Some miracles only happen in heaven.

From the Boston Globe...

Love and Losses Beyond Measure.

It wasn’t supposed to end like this. Not after all they have been through. Not after all the hope and prayers and therapies and people storming the heavens.

If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, nothing will be impossible to you.

That’s what we’re told.

They had faith. And they didn’t want to move anything as big as a mountain. All they wanted was to save a child, their child, to make their child well.

Cancer killed Charlotte Rose Kelly, just 5 years old. After a 2 1/2-year battle, the neuroblastoma that stole her childhood took her life last week.

Cystic fibrosis killed Mark Palermo, 24, who fought for his life for all of his life. Who had a lung transplant 20 months ago. Who got his miracle. Then died anyway the day after Charlotte.

Charlotte was her parent’s baby girl. She has two older brothers. Mark was his parents oldest and sole survivor, his brother and sister dead of the same disease that killed him.

Beloved children, both of them.

No one can prepare for this. No one signs up to have a sick child, to have the rug pulled out from under them, to sit in a hospital room day after day, scared, bewildered, stunned, battered, hoping and praying and begging God and all the saints for help. Not her. Not him. Please, God, please.

Bartering, bargaining, begging. ICU torture chambers, full of beeps and whirs and gurgles and bright lights, the pumps, the tubes, the toxins, machines and monitors, hell right here on earth, on Longwood Avenue, at the Cleveland Clinic, teams of specialists coming and going, going and coming.

Hope the last thing to go.

An uncle flew from Boston to Cleveland, just to place a relic at Mark’s side. It had saved others. Maybe it would save him. Charlotte’s parents prayed for a miracle right up to the end.

Both died anyway, despite the relics and prayers and begging.

You ask why. You shout ‘WHY?’ Why these children? Why these families? What about the mustard seed? They had faith that was way bigger than any seed. Their faith and their family and friends kept them going. A visible, solid, right-here-on-earth holy trinity.

If love could cure. If faith could cure.

Two years ago, there was a benefit at Medfield High to support the Palermo family. Last April, there was a walk on neuroblastoma in Braintree to support the Kellys.

People come out in droves for these things. Everyone wants to help. But in the end, though we can walk and give and pray and encourage, we can’t change what we can’t even begin to comprehend.

There is a Christmas song, “Mary, Did You Know?’’ “Mary, did you know that your baby boy would one day walk on water?’’ which basically asks, “Mary, did you know what you were getting into?’’

Does anyone know? Having children is the biggest act of faith. We are taught that our children are on loan. That they are not ours. That they come through us, but do not belong to us. That we and they belong to God.

But then we have these children and hold them and nurse and rock and protect and teach and guide and love them with a love we never even knew we had.

And when God calls them home? When God takes them back?

The loss is huge, the heart stretched out by love, so full of love, empty and broken.

Who can fill it? Who will fill it? Can it be filled? How does life go on?

As children, we were taught that God’s love is the greatest and that human love is a mere reflection. Charlotte Rose Kelly and Mark Palermo were loved beyond measure in this world. They were given all that human beings have to give. They were treasured.

They are treasured still. They left love to go to love. They are OK.

But their parents? Their families? The people who loved them?

We struggle with this. We are bereft because it wasn’t supposed to end this way.

Beverly Beckham

I think of these families, and all those who have lost someone. It is not fair, and the writer is correct, it wasnt supposed to end this way. Not a 5 year old little girl, not a 24 year old kid, not a 35 year old father and husband. All I can do is hold tightly to my precious son, and kiss him and thank God for him every day. He is a true blessing, a miracle.

My friends bought me a new camera for Christmas, I cant believe they did that (although I guess I can because they are amazing). I have had so much fun with it already, and I am excited to share even more pictures (and way better quality) of Chase and our little life. I know Alec would have bought it for me for Christmas if he were here, so thank you, to my girlfriends, for always thinking of me and going above and beyond. Alec loved my friends so much, because they always took such good care of us and he knew they would do anything for us.

My Mom, Beth and Michaela and I at the Capr Porpoise Tree Lighting...notice the lobster trap tree...

Chase, Weston, Me and Kate carrying our tree that Jon cut down for us.
Me, Chase, Caitlin, Georgia, Katie and Weston at the Prelude.
Jon, Kate, Weston, Amy, Ally and Anthony (and me and Chase) waiting for Santa to come...
Santa arriving on a Lobster boat...


Thank you all for continuing to be there for us, and for the endless love, support and prayers. I know that we will get through this, I just wish we didn't have to.

Love,

Heather, Chase and Millie

Who Wants To Go Ice Fishing!?

Ice fishing was one of my least favorite things to do with Alec (I liked it, but I certainly didn't run out the door when he asked me to go, actually, he would usually have to drag or bribe me). Spending time in his "shack" was fun and all, but I would rather be home in my furry blanket by the fire. But, if it meant I got to be outside, with my husband, I was usually there (especially when I got to go cross country skiing). When I think of things we did together that I will miss (um, everything) but especially the things he loved so dearly (fishing and fishing and fishing) I get sad...will I never do that again? Its not as if I would go ice fishing without him, not likely I will take out his auger, drill a couple holes and wait in the freezing cold for a flag to pop up. Or will I?

Alec's friend from high school, Wes Ashe, held a small ice fishing tournament last year. This year, he is holding it in memory of Alec, and by the sounds of it, its going to be big! Although Alec is not here, he is still some how able to drag me out to do some ice fishing with him this winter...I should have known this would happen! But, this time I am super excited and I know we are all going to have a lot of fun with it (that's if the lakes ever freeze over, not likely to happen when its 65 degrees out on December 6th).. The Bangor Daily News even wrote an article about it! Check it out...

http://outthere.bangordailynews.com/2011/12/02/fishing/um-student-plans-statewide-season-long-ice-fishing-derby/

This is really awesome, I am looking forward to some chilly days, even chillier beers and the company of Alec's friends and family, and all of us, running around chasing flags. I wonder if Chase has to get his fishing licence? I know Alec would have made him, if not for legal reasons then so he could use his name to have a few extra traps.

I hope some of you can sign up, and join us in the fun. The tournament is open to everyone, and it lasts 3 months long.

Thank you Wes, for continuing to be such a good friend to Alec, and for thinking of Chase and I. We are so blessed. I know Alec will live on through all of us, forever.

Love,

Heather, Chase and Millie

PS, I wish I could post the flyer on here, but it wont let me, I will try to figure it out, it is really cute, but here is what it says...

2nd Annual Ice Fishin’ Tourney
Here’s how it works:
1.Pay a $10 entry fee.
2.Ice fish until March 31, 2012.
3.Catch as many species of large fishes as you can.
4.Email photo of each fish with tourney card & length.
5.Attend the lottery to see if your lunker wins the purse!

Official Competition Rules: All fish species must be caught during the ice fishing season (Jan-Mar 2012) in Maine. Any fish that one submits for the largest individual within a respective species must be photographed alongside a tape measure (with inch increments) and tourney card and emailed to Wes Ashe (wesashe@gmail.com), with your name, fish species, length of fish, date caught, and water body. Weekly species-length updates and photos will be emailed to all contestants throughout the tourney. At the completion of the season, those fishermen with the largest recorded length for each species will have their name placed in a lottery for the chance to win the total purse collected for the competition . If any one person has length records for multiple species, their name will be submitted into the lottery multiple times (increasing their chance of winning the purse). If you have questions concerning the competition rules, please direct all emails to wesashe@gmail.com.

To register , bring $10 cash to Wes Ashe in 232A Nutting Hall or send by mail to 55 North Main Avenue, Orono, ME 04473. Please include your contact info (name, address, email, phone #).

Alec Cyr (1975-2011)

Alec passed away in October after a courageous battle with colon cancer. He was a native Mainer who loved the outdoors and was passionate about fishing. However, much more important than being an angler, Alec was a wonderful husband and father. His baby boy, Chase, was born in May. Therefore, in honor of Alec and his family, half of the proceeds collected from this ice fishing tournament will go toward Chase Cyr’s college fund. Thank you all for your support.


Alec with a trout in winter 2008.


Alec fishing in his "shack" AKA...a collapsable blue tarp with plywood.


Alec and I on Pushaw Lake, fishing and skiing in 2007.

Possible

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Chase and I headed to the Lombardo's for a delicious feast. It was the perfect day, the only thing missing was Alec. Chris said the most beautiful Grace, and I know that Alec was with us, smiling down on his beautiful family.

I guess I am moving along in this "grief process". My heart doesn't constantly ache, it comes in waves now. And I may be in the denial phase, because every half hour or so I have to ask myself if Alec is really gone. It is as if I am expecting to see him come through the door or call my phone. His truck is still parked in the driveway, his clothes hang in his closet, his tools are neatly put away in the basement where he left them, Millie walks around with his slippers, but Alec is not here and he never will be again. To put that in words seems so surreal. There is a void in my life, a missing piece, a silence, an emptiness in my heart that I don't think will ever be filled.

I am learning that life does go on. Chase turned 6 months on the 23rd, he has his first two teeth coming through, he holds his bottle and rolls over...he is growing up.

Last Sunday the sermon was titled "rethink possible".

I asked Jan for a copy, because I needed to hear it again, read it aloud more than once. I have to believe it.

Jan said:

"But what about when something that we believe with all our hearts is possible, becomes impossible. We all believed with all our hearts in the possibility that Judy and Alec Cyr could survive the cancer that had assaulted their bodies. We prayed hard and believed that with enough faith in God, it was possible that they would survive. What happens now to Heather and Chase, Caryn, Charlotte and Tamrya, Sue and Frank...to Kim and Matthew and Teri? They all have to “rethink possible”. I have now to believe that it is possible for my life to go on without Alec.....without Judy.... and I will reshape my thinking, expand the boundaries of “can” and go on down a new path of possibilities.

But, it ain’t easy, to use the vernacular. Healing and a rebirth of new possibilities, does happen, and we believe in a Divine presence which strengthens us and makes this possible."

Looking back at the last 2 years, I would never have thought getting through all we did would be possible. But somehow, some way, we did. And now, I realize that it is possible to smile and laugh and enjoy friends and family and nature and life. In time I will learn that living with out Alec is possible.

I am resentful towards bad people. I wonder why this didn't happen to them, why a loving husband, a devoted father? Why such a good man? A good family? I will never understand. My mind will not let go, I obsess about him, I remember his laugh, his smile, his eyes, his hands. I think constantly, "What would Alec do? What would he want for us? Would he be OK with this? What would he think of Chase? Am I doing a good job? Would he be proud of us?" I guess in a way, that is Alec, still impacting my life. I still consider him, and although he is not here, he is somehow always with me, helping me, guiding me.

For now I am just trying to get through each day, trying to be stong for my son and trust in God that we will be OK.

Thank you for the constant support, love, prayers. I do have so much to be grateful for.

"if you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes" Mark 9:23

Incredible Machine...

What an unbelievable weekend! I can not believe how amazing you all are...

I thought I was going to be crying all day, in fact, I was having a moment of weakness Saturday while we were getting ready, I did not know if I could do it...wasn't I just subjecting myself to more pain and heart ache by surrounding myself with more colon cancer? But once we got there and I saw how many of you came out and supported and donated and walked or ran, my sadness was immediately replaced by joy and laughter. How could I not be smiling ear to ear all day!?

You are all incredible, and Chase and I are so blessed. Family, friends, church, co-workers, MGH nurses you are all so special to Alec, and Chase and I. I am beyond grateful.

Some of the STATS...
There were over 100 people on team Alec in Boston.
30 people in Biddeford Pool = over 130 people!
3 team members won medals, including my Dad (3rd place for his age group).
We had the second largest team (we won a plaque!).
And, second for money raised (over 12,000 in 3 weeks!).
Over 1300 people walked or ran in the first annual Get Your Rear In Gear, Boston. Over 100K raised for colon cancer prevention and education.

So awesome! It was such a beautiful day, I really think Alec kept the wind at our backs and the SUN SHINING! It was a wonderful run, I will always hold this day close to my heart.

We met some really amazing people, some are still fighting, others were honoring loved ones. I realized we have a big job and a long road ahead of us, colon cancer is every where and we need to create awareness. I started to think about how many people I knew who are or were in their 20's or 30's when they were diagnosed...

Alec...33 when he was diagnosed died at 35.
Auntie Beth...32 when she was diagnosed, survivor.
Skip...33 years old when he was diagnosed, died at 34.
Eric from MGH...28 years old, died at 29.
A friend reached out to me earlier this week, his wife was diagnosed at age 29 and died at 33.
TJ whom I met Saturday, 28 years old and fighting hard. (and we are praying so hard for him!)

How is this possible? I am 31,(we skipped my birthday, it was 10/22, Alecs last day with us) I should not know this many people with colon cancer. It is frightening. I am mad...but mostly I am sad, because no one should have to go through this. I am sad for those who are still fighting, it is such a long road. My heart literally breaks when I hear of yet another young person battling this terrible disease. I just don't understand. I will promise to do all that I can to make people aware and if one person can be saved from what we just went through, than I will feel like we have made a difference.

I am told that each day it gets easier, I am not there yet. Each day I realize that this is real and I am not waking up nor is Alec coming back. Sometimes I have to put my hand over my heart to try an stop it from aching, I did not know how much this could hurt. Tonight was a bad night...I am just sad and sulky. As I was waiting for the slideshow to create, my laptop went into hibernate. I checked on it, and the screen saver was "I Love You Shmoo". I have never seen this before, at some point Alec must have gone into my computer and changed the sreen savor. It was the weirdest and cutest thing...Alec...I love you too. Then I went to bed and I was actually crying (again) because I miss him. In walks Millie with my 2 LL Bean slippers, she brought them both to me while I was crying. The very last trick Alec taught Millie was for her to bring him his slippers. I know he is here, I just wish I could touch him and kiss him and hug him and he could kiss me and hug me back.

I really want to thank you all. Saturday was such a special day. I met so many great people, and I know Alec is in awe of the day and all of you...he would be so touched. I felt his presence, I know he was with all of us. He is so proud. Thank you and I promise we will do this next year. I loved our "camo" theme, if Alec were here, he would have been hunting last weekend, so the hats, shirts, all the camo gear really suited him well. (Although we all looked like a bunch of red necks from Maine at the bar in Boston!) I made a slideshow of all the photos and pictures. I chose the song, Incredible Machine by Sugarland...because that is what we are.

Love,

Heather, Chase and Millie

Hanging In There....

We are doing OK. I heard that each day it gets easier, although I am not sure I believe that, because each day I miss Alec more and I start to realize I am never going to see him again.



Millie misses her Dadda...she has to know what has happened. I think dogs are smarter than we think. She is grieving too, and I am there for her. Because, when I need her, she is always there for me, with her head on my knee, crying with me. We are good for each other, she needs a walk every day, and so do I. We need each other. I love my Millie girl.



But then there is Chase, who needs me, and I need to be strong and brave for him.

And we all have our family and friends, and that is what matters most. I don't know where I would be without you all.



The beautiful days are so much more beautiful and I know Alec us somewhere out there, watching, protecting.



My family now...



He is the reason...



How can I not be grateful? I have Alec with me always...



And he makes us all so happy...



I love my sweet baby...he is a constant reminder of Miracles, and God and Hope and Faith.



Life will never be the same, I miss my husband more than I thought possible. There is a void that will never be filled. He is gone, and my heart aches...but luckily, I have my Chase and he is my world. I will go on.

Love,

Heather

Life without My Alec...

I do not know where to begin...

The last week has been a nightmare, in which I keep wondering when I am going to wake up. But each day comes and goes, and although my life has come to a screeching halt and my heart is breaking, I am realizing that life does some how go on.

I am so grateful for everyone who has been there for us, especially the last 10 days. I was overwhelmed by how many of you came to Maine to say good bye to Alec and to be there for Chase and I. It is truly amazing and I am forever grateful. The flowers, cards, food, love, prayers, it is endless and one thing I learned throughout this experience is how incredibly good and kind people are. Thank you just seems inadequate for all you have done for us...but please know how much it means to me, to Alec and to our families.

Church on Friday was so special. Every word spoken, song sang, prayer said, it was all Alec and so amazing. Thank you to all who spoke and sang and to Jan for delivering the most beautiful eulogy ever. I was actually smiling through most of the service, looking back at the memories, the pictures, the funny Alec stories, it was an incredible tribute to an incredible man.

I am sad...and I don't know if I will ever be myself again. I know that life goes on, but I don't want it to, I want to go back. Chase gets me through each day, and I do not know where I would be without him. His smile makes me smile and he is the only reason I get out of bed. I look forward to seeing more of his Daddy in him and that gives me reason to go on.

Just when I think I am having an OK moment, I hear a song or something reminds me of Alec and I am sobbing. It is so hard to go from a perfect life, to a shattered life, and it will take a long time to pick up the pieces and to feel normal again.

Only few people can relate to what I am going through (thankfully) and I believe they were meant to come into my life. Megan Van De Geisen, a classmate of mine lost her husband 2 years ago when she was pregnant with her second baby. When I first heard about her husband, it was right after Alec was diagnosed. I remember laying in bed and I cried and cried...how could this happen to our families? Both Kyle and Alec had so much to live for, and would have done anything to be here. Why did they get taken away from us? We are good people, we need our husbands, our babies need their Daddy's. I will never understand.

Megan and I talked the other night, we laughed, we cried and she gave me the best advice, I am so, so grateful that she reached out to me. One piece of advice was to always talk about Alec, make reference to him every day and over time, Chase will know exactly who his Daddy was. This is so important to me and I will encourage family and friends to do the same. She also said that when you lose someone, you never move on, but you move forward, I could not agree more. I don't ever want to move on...but I don't have a choice except to move forward. She has been an inspiration to me for 2 years and I have admired her strength...she is truly amazing and I believe although we have this horrible connection now, we will be friends for life.

Throughout this experience, I have never stopped believing in God. I know he is the one that got us through the last few weeks, he was there when I sat by Alec and sang to him and and held his hand and told him how much I loved him. God did not give Alec cancer, God got us through the last two years, and he found Alec and Alec found him. Alec died believing in God and knowing he was going to a place that we can only dream about.

Alec will always be my hero. His outlook on life was like no other, his Faith never waivered, he never doubted that we wouldn't get through this. He literally fought until his very last breath. I love him even more for that, because I know he wanted to be here for me and for Chase. His entire medical team at MGH was in awe of him, they never once saw him weak or feeling sorry for himself. I hate to say it, but if Alec can't beat stage 4 colon cancer, no one can.

I do not ever want to stop writing about him, talking about him, thinking about him. He will live on through me and everyone who loved him...I still can not believe he is gone.

Again, I want to thank everyone out there, I will eventually sit down and sort through all you have done for us and thank you personally for it. But for now, please know how much it means to me, I can not even put into words my appreciation for your graciousness. Chase and I are so blessed and with the love and support of family and friends, I know we will be OK.

Love,

Heather, Chase and Millie

A reading from Alec's service,

*I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith:
Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing.*
Timothy 4:7-8


And, a little trick or treat from Chase...who went with a "surf and turf" theme.

The week ahead...

Hello Everyone.

We will be having a wake for Alec on Thursday night at Bibber Funeral Home in Kennebunk. Friday morning will be a service at 11:00 am at Union Church, Biddeford Pool.

Please copy and paste the link below for Alec's obituary and more details.

http://www.bibberfuneral.com/cgi-bin/obits.cgi?Name=Alexander 'Alec' B. Cyr

Thank you everyone for everything, I could not get through this without you all.

Love,

Heather

10.23.11

Alec passed away early this morning. We were all with him, and I stroked his head and told him how much I loved him. My heart is breaking and I have never known so much sorrow. I know that God was with us because there is no way we could have gone through the last few days without him.

I feel so blessed to have had Alec in my life for 5 wonderful years. I would not trade that for the world.

Thank you all for your endless love, support and prayers. I am forever grateful.

"There is absolutely nothing to fear about tomorrow; for God is already there."

Love,

Heather

Holding On...

As I go forward step by step, the way will be opened up unto me.( Proverbs 4:12 )

We are taking one moment at a time. There is nothing right or OK about this. My heart aches and aches. I never thought we wouldn't get through this...I never imagined how much it would hurt.

Alec is my hero and I have never met anyone with such character, such determination, such spirit.

We will continue to pray for a miracle, but the nurse said earlier this week that miracles sometimes don't happen on earth.

Thank you for the endless love, support, prayers, and all the food, cards, flowers, etc. We are so touched by the Grace you have all shown. I know you want to take away the pain, and you are, even if you don't know it. My heart breaks a little less with each act of kindness.

My sister, Jill created "Team Alec" for a walk/run sponsored by the Colon Cancer Coalition. It is a 5K around Castle Island in South Boston on November 12. I cant believe all the people who have signed up and donated already. It is incredible. Jill already had to increase the donation from 1,000 to 2,000 within 48 hours. Jill did not have all your email addresses, but we want EVERYONE to be invited and to be a part of such a great event. And, if you would like to run with a number, you do have to sign up at this link and pay $25.00

http://events.getyourrearingear.com/site/TR/Boston/General/2032322428?pg=team&fr_id=1072&team_id=1531

And here is the EVITE:
http://new.evite.com/?utm_source=gmail&utm_medium=email&utm_content=text&utm_campaign=invite&eml=g_inv#view_invite:eid=0329AAPMT7NZ5QB5CEPA7EDVDO65LI&gid=0329AAPMT7N2NE3T6EPA7EDV42WOIQ

"Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen you heart" (Psalm 27:14).

Thank you and love to all,

Heather, Alec, Chase, Millie and our Families.

A Happy-Rainy Day

This is the day that the LORD has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24

Alec spent the day with his college friends. All of them, caravanned up, one starting as far away as New Jersey, a couple from Connecticut, Rhode Island and Boston to spend a rainy day in Maine just to be with their good friend Alec.

I know it meant so much to him, and I am grateful for today, as he had many laughs and it certainly brightened things up around here.

We received bundles of packages today, thank you all, the King Philip family for the incredible basket and the Feehan girls for the chocolate fruit and Jill's friends for the beautiful flowers. Every time I open something, whether it be a card, text, email, voicemail, I become emotional, because we have so many people out there who have been with us, praying, supporting, loving us for two years, and you have never relented, through the good times and the bad and we are forever grateful.

Our Moms and sisters have been taking good care of us all week, cooking, cleaning, taking night feedings with Chase. Even Brian mowed our lawn and weed wacked (not bad for a Southie guy with no lawn...although I had to start the mower...haha, in his defense, its a tricky one) And my Dad chopped some wood, something old Papa hasn't done in 20 years. We love and cherish all the visits and company we have had, and look forward to many more friends and family making their way up to Maine in the future. Thank you to Jan and church and the special prayers we are receiving, I can feel them and we know that we are in good hands.

We are just taking each day at a time, loving and living and making the most of our beautiful life.

Love,

Heather, Alec, Chase and Millie

PS...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JILLY!!!

A Good Day...

Today was a good day.

Alec was able to stay a little more alert and he made us all laugh and we enjoyed one more day...and what more can a little family ask for?

I told him what his nurse Katie told me, that Alec has put up a fight like no other patient she has ever seen. He simply replied "Well its not over yet". My heart filled with joy, I know he will fight till his last breath and I will be right there beside him. He is right, this is not over, and we continue to pray for that miracle and we know that no matter what, God here with us.

Thank you again to all who have reached out, it means more than you will ever know.

All our love,

Heather, Alec, Chase and Millie

Each Day...

I do not even really know what to say tonight. I guess I will start with we are still here and each day together is a gift.

We had lots of family and friend time this past weekend and of course, that helps. We were even able to go out for a boat ride on Saturday and enjoy the beautiful weather and calm seas.

I am clinging to each moment like it is our last. My heart goes from breaking and aching to joyful and hopeful within seconds. Alec is more comfortable now, and although he still has his humor, he seems to be fading in and out. Maybe its the drugs, maybe its the cancer, but it is hard to witness. How is it that two months ago we were hiking mountains in Acadia? God works is mysterious ways and I don't think we will ever understand.

For now, we are just trying to get through each day, trying to smile, trying to stay strong for one another...for Chase.



Tonight, Chase, Millie and I went for a walk on the beach. It was such a beautiful night and I noticed a little rainbow in the sky, one similar to one I saw when this entire journey began. I took a picture with my camera phone and when I downloaded it my computer, I immediately noticed not the rainbow, but the light from the sun next to it. Upon realizing what I actually took a picture of, without even knowing it, I felt warm and my heart fill up with joy. I do believe that this was the light of God, telling me, that no matter what, things are going to be OK. We will get through this, and whatever tomorrow brings, he is there beside us. That life on this earth is just a small piece of it all, and there is so much more. We are the unfortunate ones...the ones who have to stay behind
.


We will never, ever, give up. We are fighting this until there is nothing left of us, I can assure you that we are still giving it our all.

We are so touched by the outpouring of support, love, prayers. We seriously could not do this without you all. I am so grateful.

Love and God Bless,

Heather, Alec, Chase and Millie

One Day at a Time

We learned on Thursday that Alec did not qualify for the clinical trial. His liver is not functioning like it should be and therefore he is unable to take part in this trial, and perhaps any other trial. It was devastating to hear, especially on October 6th, exactly 2 years since he was first diagnosed. Usually we leave MGH with some kind of Hope, and there was always another option, but this time things are grim.

We have not, and will not ever give up. I have started to research alternative treatments, and Alec has an appointment on Friday with a holistic healer. He is as stoic and strong as ever and we are trying to take it one day at a time.

I am truly touched by all our friends, family and the church who have reached out, it is amazing and we are so, so blessed. It makes this a little bit easier, knowing we have so much support and love. Thank you.

This weekend we will be surrounded by family and we will continue to pray and pray for a miracle.

Love and God Bless,

Heather, Alec, Chase and Millie

2 years

So after waiting and waiting, it looks like we will have to wait a little longer. Although Alec got the "slot" for the new clinical trial, he has to have another round of pre-trial screening tests performed. Today was a CT scan, blood work and and an EKG. Later this week will be a biopsy, eye exam and a few other tests that I am not even sure what they mean. In order to be eligible for the trial, he must again have decent blood counts, normal EKG's, etc. We are trying to be optimistic, but Alec's over all health has obviously declined within the last couple months and we are really praying he is well enough to be part of this trial. We should hear within the next few days, so in the mean time, we will be praying for Alec to be healthy and strong enough for the trial.

Tomorrow will be two years to when Alec was first diagnosed with colorectal cancer. We have taken our life together and made each moment count, making the best of every day and living life to the fullest despite the multiple challenges we have faced. It has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least...happy and carefree one day, to hopeless and devastated the next. Looking back at the last two years I can hardly believe all we have been through. I know that we did not face this alone, that God carried us through the difficult moments of hopelessness and sadness. And, of course he gave us our beautiful baby Chase, a blessing and a miracle beyond comprehension.

I can look back at the last two years with confidence in our decisions and with no regrets. Despite the numerous times we have been knocked down and cancer has tested our Faith and Spirit over and over again, we continue to fight back and it has yet to break us. I would and will continue to do everything humanly possible to keep my husband alive.

Thank you all for your love, support and prayers and for sticking by us for these 2 years. We could not have done it without you.

Love and God Bless,

Heather, Alec, Chase and Millie

Another Chance...

Today our prayers were answered. It was a long time coming (waiting a little over a month felt more like 2 years). But Dr. Urich called and told Alec he is back in and although we don't know much yet, our HOPE has been renewed.

The last couple weeks have been extremely hard. We were both hurting, Alec physically and I could feel my heart literally breaking every time I looked at him. He has been taking a lot of meds to stay comfortable which means he is not himself and not able to do much. Chase and I try to keep his spirits up, but each day with no hope and no word from MGH it was getting harder and harder. I think we were both slipping into a dark place however, today we are back.

It feels good to know we are going to start this trial soon. I think the hardest part is doing nothing, which has pretty much been what we have done for the last 4 or 5 months, once the chemo stopped working, waiting a month, and the clinical trial drug having no affect, then waiting another month. And it gets in your head, knowing nothing is being done and that the cancer must be spreading, and of course, the waiting in itself can drive you insane. The other hard part is Alec in pain, because it is a constant reminder that he is sick. The past two years he has never had a day where he felt like he had cancer, sure the chemo and surgeries happened, but that pain went away and he was strong and healthy once again. This time, it was not getting better.

Alec's Mom saw a rainbow on her way home and thought it might be a God Wink. I told her we needed some winks,it had been a while and sure enough, the next day we got the call. We were sad to hear that one women from church lost her battle to cancer last night, we have been praying for her and her family. Cancer affects so many and we pray so hard for a cure.

I don't even have any fun weekend updates...it rained (poured) both Saturday and Sunday and we had a quiet house. Chase and I went to a boring craft fair and then to Mardens (because what good is a rainy day without a trip to Mardens!) poor kid, I think he needs his Daddy to feel better to have some man time...enough of this shopping stuff with Mommy. Sunday Chase and I met Auntie Charlotte at church and as usual, it was lovely and it and everyone there made us feel better.

Chase and Daddy

Chase watched some NASCAR with Daddy on Sunday.

Chase looked like a little prince, wearing his first crown made by his friend Luke at church. I love my little prince...

So again, we thank you for the prayers. We feel so blessed and so fortunate to be given yet another chance. God has been good to us.

Love,

Heather, Alec, Chase and Millie