New week new outlook.
Alec started chemo yesterday and there is such a sense of relief now that something is being done to fight the cancer. We met with Dr. Allen in the morning and we were able to understand so much more than last week. When you get that kind of news, you really can not focus on much and it all seems like a blur. Dr. Allen showed us the images from the PET scan and even that was reassuring. In my mind, I was picturing big spots of cancer all over his lung and liver. After she walked through the images with us, you realize that these spots are so small, she actually had a hard time finding some of them. The one on his liver was noticeable, about 3 cm, however, these little blips on a screen feel so small when you look at Alec who is big and strong and you think "yeah, he can beat this".
We also went over the options we have. Chemo is done first because there could be microscopic cancer cells circulating throughout his body and with chemo we are getting that under control and stopping the spread of the disease (hopefully). Like I mentioned before, we need him to respond well to this chemo, so please pray for that. After two months of chemo they will do another PET scan to see how the spots are. Shrinkage of the tumor on his liver would be ideal, but our expectations are to see the same spots as last time, but not more. If chemo goes well, he may have some time off, and then they would keep a careful eye on any new developments. If chemo does not go well, they could do some type of proton radiation. This would be a sort of direct radiation on the spots, causing them to shrink or disappear (again, hopefully). The next option would be to resect the tumor from his liver, and the liver is an organ that regenerates, so losing a piece of his liver will not harm his body. While our news last week was grim and it was such a shock, we have regrouped and are starting to feel like we can fight this thing again and there is HOPE. Oh yes, I forgot to mention the GOOD news. They are pretty sure the Lymphoma is gone and although they will not use the "C" word (cured) they are optimistic that it will not return. So Alec already beat one type of cancer...bring it on colorectal!
Yesterday was a really long day, I was able to sneak off for a little and work, but came back to keep Alec company. We hung out with Katie and she always makes us feel better and knows how to keep us laughing. Alec and I were talking how lucky we are to have her, she goes above and beyond and seriously is our guardian angel. Talk about being dedicated to your patients.
We also met some really great people. Anthony, the social worker came by to talk and Alec really connected with him. So much more than crazy Linda who used to come by and drive us nuts (she snorted when she laughed) and made us feel really uncomfortable. Alec and I think we are pretty easy to talk to and talk about awkward silence when she was around! We asked Katie to tell her to stop coming by. And then she had the nerve to track us down one day (in the waiting room) and ask why...uhhh...cuz your a freak and you stink at your job! We also talked to two other cancer patients, one women the same age as Alec (34) has breast cancer and just had a double mastectomy and is now going through chemo. My heart broke for her but she had a strong spirit and was putting up a good fight. We also saw our friend Betty who has ovarian cancer. She has been fighting for 7 years and although there is no cure for ovarian cancer she is still trucking along. She said she has had spots on her liver and lungs for years and the doctors keep an eye on them, but so far so good. That made us feel better. Even though all three of them were bald, hooked up to pumps full of drugs and fighting for their lives they all smiled, laughed and made light of their situation. Betty kept saying how she has a thing for bald men, I better keep an eye on that one!
On our way home Alec said he finally has come to terms with the fact that he is a cancer patient. He said up until now he did not want to put himself in that category and that he did not connect with other patients. I guess thats what you call denial. But now that he has finally accepted the fact that he is a cancer patient, we can really come face to face with this challenge and put up the best fight.
Since we got home around 9:30 and had such a long day, we decided we needed a DQ fix. I ordered a banana slit blizzard and Alec got the Reece's pieces blizzard. He took one bite and ouch! We forgot that this chemo makes you super sensitive to anything cold. Poor Alec couldn't even have another bite. I selfishly finished mine. I will do just about anything for my husband, but when it comes to DQ, I just cant make that sacrifice...sorry.
Tomorrow morning he has his thoracic MRI. Keeping our fingers crossed that the spot on his spine is nothing. He can also be disconnected from his chemo pump tomorrow...he is actually letting me do it this time! Katie gave me a refresher course, so I think we will be OK. With all Alec's new body parts, we decided to name each one of them. Mort the Port (the chemo port on his chest). Chump the Pump (his bag of chemo he carries with him) and Homah the stomah (his illistomy bag). That way, I can say "hows Mort?" or "dont forget Chump!" or "tell Homah to keep it down".
As you can tell, things are getting back to normal around here. We have accepted this challenge and as my Papa would say "picked ourselves up by our bootstraps". We were reflecting in the car last night about how our lives have so drastically changed. But, not necessarily for the worst. Alec called it "the fortunate unlucky". Because we see things differently now. Each day is a blessing, the people in our lives are a gift and we look at our world in a whole new light. You let go of the small stuff, and really value what matters in life. It is hard to explain the change, until you actually go through something like this, but I think of the song by Tim McGraw "Live Like You Were Dying". And obviously, Alec is very much living, but when your future is so unclear, you get a new perspective on life.
The chorus goes like this:
And I loved deeper
I spoke sweeter
I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying.
Please say a prayer that the spot on the spine is nothing and that Alec responds to chemo. We thank you all for your love, support and prayers. We are so blessed.
Love,
Heather, Alec
and Millie (who gets to come up on the bed all the time now! Talk about letting the little things go!)
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
There's no place like HOPE.
With family, fishing, beaches, and some sun it is easy to put all that cancer stuff in the back of our minds and just enjoy the weekend and each other.
We had such a great few days, starting Friday night. Alec, Millie and I went fishing and although we did have a single bite, we had one big God Wink. We were coming back into shore and only about 2 or 3 miles off the coast we saw spouting whales. As we came closer and stopped the boat, there were at least 10 whales circling us. It was so amazing, they are so gentle and graceful. They just played around the boat for about a half hour. At one point Alec saw a huge black blob on his fish finder...he shouted "there is something real big at 25 feet, now 10 feet, now 0!" Sure enough, right under my legs which were dangling over the bow, the whale surfaced and I could have touched him! It was a night neither of us will ever forget. The sun was setting and here we were just sitting in the boat with whales surrounding us, I think it was Gods way of telling us we were not alone and he was with us.
3 whales!!!!
One big one.
The one by my feet!
Saturday Alec's family met us at the boat at 6:32 am and we were off again, fishing for the day. Even though we are all girls, we can all hold our own and fish pretty darn well! We had such a great time and the weather was just perfect...a little too perfect in fact, we saw a naked man swimming off the island we were fishing at. Ewe! Not something you see every day in Maine! Alec's mom was the only one who caught a striper, a 32 incher! Not bad for her first fish! We also checked the pots and had 6 lobsters. Then we spent the rest of the day at the beach and enjoyed lobster and steamers with Alec's family and my mom and dad. What a great day!
"Nice fish Ma!" - Alec
Sunday my family all came over and we had another beautiful day at the beach and celebrated Fathers Day. Little Julia is learning to like the sand (now if her dad would just relax...its just sand Bob!") I have probably eaten buckets full over my lifetime.
Jill and Julia
Dad and all his girls.
It is really amazing when you are surrounded by loved ones, life is so much easier and our problems feel so far away. Once Sunday night rolls around and the house is empty, it kind of slaps us back to reality. Alec keeps saying how great it is to have company. Anyone at any time is welcome to come up. I think, (if I do say so myself!) we are even more fun to be around these days, we don't take a single moment for granted and we laugh harder and more often.
We were lucky enough to get some more of Auntie K's brownies and also Auntie Beth, we had a taste test Saturday night and Alec thinks it was a tie. Thank you, so yummy! Also, my friend Deb sent us a beautiful prayer shawl from her church, we are going to wrap ourselves in the shawl and pray every night! Thank you.
My mom sent us a bunch of books this week about Hope and cancer and God. I really liked this piece of advice:
"Grasp a new perception of what cancer is not; what it has not. Cancer does not have a brain or a spirit. It doesn't have the ability to plan or be cunning. It doesn't have a heart that causes it to fight or a spirit that gives it the reason to. It is you who has the brain, the ability to plan its demise. And it is you who has the heart and soul to bring to this fight."
Through reading these books I have learned so much. I am learning that I am optimistic, almost to a fault, to the point of denial. And I become panicky when Alec is having a moment of doubt or is feeling sorry. I need to accept that this is OK, and that just because he is sad for a few minutes, does not mean his cancer is spreading or he will not be cured. I simply need to be there for him and maybe just saying nothing at all is best. It is not going to hurt him if he sees me sad or teary either. We are all only human after all.
I also learned that it is nothing that a cancer patient did or did not do to cause cancer. Looking back you want to blame something, but there is literally no known cause of colon cancer. At least with lung cancer it can be blamed on smoking (most of the time) and melanoma is from the sun or cervical cancer is from HPV. They just really do not know what causes the others and there is no use trying to place blame on anyone or anything.
Since today was the first first official day of summer, and the longest day of the year, we decided to take advantage. When I got home from work, we went for a long walk on Kennebunk beach, looked for beach glass and played with Millie. We went to the port and had fried clams from the Clam Box and then ice cream. Not a bad way to officially start summer!
Alec starts chemo tomorrow. We hope things go smoothly and that this chemo kicks some serious cancer butt. Alec must respond well to this chemo...please pray that he does and it shrinks the spots on his liver and lung. He also has a thoratic MRI on Thursday to determine what exactly the spot on his spine is. Please pray that it is nothing.
Thank you to everyone for your prayers and support. We are so blessed, our life is just so darn perfect minus this cancer thing! We really are so, so lucky in so many ways and we must remember that.
Happy Summer!
Love,
Heather, Alec and Millie
We had such a great few days, starting Friday night. Alec, Millie and I went fishing and although we did have a single bite, we had one big God Wink. We were coming back into shore and only about 2 or 3 miles off the coast we saw spouting whales. As we came closer and stopped the boat, there were at least 10 whales circling us. It was so amazing, they are so gentle and graceful. They just played around the boat for about a half hour. At one point Alec saw a huge black blob on his fish finder...he shouted "there is something real big at 25 feet, now 10 feet, now 0!" Sure enough, right under my legs which were dangling over the bow, the whale surfaced and I could have touched him! It was a night neither of us will ever forget. The sun was setting and here we were just sitting in the boat with whales surrounding us, I think it was Gods way of telling us we were not alone and he was with us.
3 whales!!!!
One big one.
The one by my feet!
Saturday Alec's family met us at the boat at 6:32 am and we were off again, fishing for the day. Even though we are all girls, we can all hold our own and fish pretty darn well! We had such a great time and the weather was just perfect...a little too perfect in fact, we saw a naked man swimming off the island we were fishing at. Ewe! Not something you see every day in Maine! Alec's mom was the only one who caught a striper, a 32 incher! Not bad for her first fish! We also checked the pots and had 6 lobsters. Then we spent the rest of the day at the beach and enjoyed lobster and steamers with Alec's family and my mom and dad. What a great day!
"Nice fish Ma!" - Alec
Sunday my family all came over and we had another beautiful day at the beach and celebrated Fathers Day. Little Julia is learning to like the sand (now if her dad would just relax...its just sand Bob!") I have probably eaten buckets full over my lifetime.
Jill and Julia
Dad and all his girls.
It is really amazing when you are surrounded by loved ones, life is so much easier and our problems feel so far away. Once Sunday night rolls around and the house is empty, it kind of slaps us back to reality. Alec keeps saying how great it is to have company. Anyone at any time is welcome to come up. I think, (if I do say so myself!) we are even more fun to be around these days, we don't take a single moment for granted and we laugh harder and more often.
We were lucky enough to get some more of Auntie K's brownies and also Auntie Beth, we had a taste test Saturday night and Alec thinks it was a tie. Thank you, so yummy! Also, my friend Deb sent us a beautiful prayer shawl from her church, we are going to wrap ourselves in the shawl and pray every night! Thank you.
My mom sent us a bunch of books this week about Hope and cancer and God. I really liked this piece of advice:
"Grasp a new perception of what cancer is not; what it has not. Cancer does not have a brain or a spirit. It doesn't have the ability to plan or be cunning. It doesn't have a heart that causes it to fight or a spirit that gives it the reason to. It is you who has the brain, the ability to plan its demise. And it is you who has the heart and soul to bring to this fight."
Through reading these books I have learned so much. I am learning that I am optimistic, almost to a fault, to the point of denial. And I become panicky when Alec is having a moment of doubt or is feeling sorry. I need to accept that this is OK, and that just because he is sad for a few minutes, does not mean his cancer is spreading or he will not be cured. I simply need to be there for him and maybe just saying nothing at all is best. It is not going to hurt him if he sees me sad or teary either. We are all only human after all.
I also learned that it is nothing that a cancer patient did or did not do to cause cancer. Looking back you want to blame something, but there is literally no known cause of colon cancer. At least with lung cancer it can be blamed on smoking (most of the time) and melanoma is from the sun or cervical cancer is from HPV. They just really do not know what causes the others and there is no use trying to place blame on anyone or anything.
Since today was the first first official day of summer, and the longest day of the year, we decided to take advantage. When I got home from work, we went for a long walk on Kennebunk beach, looked for beach glass and played with Millie. We went to the port and had fried clams from the Clam Box and then ice cream. Not a bad way to officially start summer!
Alec starts chemo tomorrow. We hope things go smoothly and that this chemo kicks some serious cancer butt. Alec must respond well to this chemo...please pray that he does and it shrinks the spots on his liver and lung. He also has a thoratic MRI on Thursday to determine what exactly the spot on his spine is. Please pray that it is nothing.
Thank you to everyone for your prayers and support. We are so blessed, our life is just so darn perfect minus this cancer thing! We really are so, so lucky in so many ways and we must remember that.
Happy Summer!
Love,
Heather, Alec and Millie
Friday, June 18, 2010
Footprints
How could I forget my favorite poem! Jill gave this to Alec on a coin, I think I am going to have him carry it around with him :)
One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Scenes from his life flashed across the sky
and he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
one belonging to him and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life had flashed before him,
he recalled that at the lowest and saddest times of his life
there was only one set of footprints.
Dismayed, he asked, "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you'd walk with me all the way.
I don't understand why, when I needed you most,
you would leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious child.
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering
when you saw only one set of footprints...
That was when I carried you."
One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Scenes from his life flashed across the sky
and he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
one belonging to him and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life had flashed before him,
he recalled that at the lowest and saddest times of his life
there was only one set of footprints.
Dismayed, he asked, "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you'd walk with me all the way.
I don't understand why, when I needed you most,
you would leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious child.
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering
when you saw only one set of footprints...
That was when I carried you."
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
"With God nothing will be impossible" - Luke 1:37
First of all I want to thank everyone who has reached out to Alec and I these past few days. Your kind words and inspiration has been so helpful and we are so grateful for every one of you.
It has been one of those weeks that feels like months and I really can not believe it is only Wednesday. However, every day seems to get a little easier and with the support from family and friends we feel better already.
I guess what we are looking for now are stories and happy endings and anything to do with God, Faith, Love, Surviving.
While I am somewhat of a religious/spiritual person, Alec is not. He has gone through the last 8 months not really relying on faith. I have tried, but not pushed to get him to go to church, pray, look for signs, but he has stood tall and taken on all these obstacles like a man. However, I really believe there is a time in every persons life (even big strong men) where they don't have a choice but to turn to God. You just have to believe that there is something greater. This is that time. We NEED him. It does not matter how a person was brought up, religious or not, it is not too late. God would never turn us away just because we are turning to him now, in time of need.
I feel so strongly about this that I am writing it in here and asking for help. We all need to BELIEVE and have FAITH. Any story, book, person, prayer, poem, priest, healer, God Wink, phrases, bible verses, songs...anything you think may help us we would love it if you could share that with us.
So far, this week, here are a few things that have really helped us:
The Lance Armstrong book that Liz sent us. I read this months ago and was totally inspired by his story and the obstacles he has overcome. He was supposed to die. He was 23, he is now almost 40. I asked Alec to please read his story, and he is and I really think it will help him BELIEVE. http://www.lancearmstrong.com/ Read his BIO, so amazing. Here is a snapshot of what what he was faced with:
In October 1996 he was diagnosed with testicular cancer, with a tumor that had metastasized to his brain and lungs. His cancer treatments included brain and testicular surgery and extensive chemotherapy, and his prognosis was originally poor. He went on to win the Tour de France each year from 1999 to 2005, and is the only person to win seven times, having broken the previous record of five wins.
Meg Dez sent me an email today and I hope she does not mind me sharing:
"I was reflecting in the car this morning, on my way into school, about how I have actually felt Jesus' presence so many times in my life. I was thinking about how He has never left me at any time in my life. When He said to His people, "I go before you always" and "I shall never abandon my people" He meant it. I started talking to God in the car about you and Alec and told him how I trusted in Him to be with you both. Just as I was chatting away to Him about you, I came to a red light. In front of me was a huge utility truck stopped at the light as well. I was looking at the license plate and below it was this rusted metal crate screwed onto the back of the truck. Low and behold, there were two crucifixes carved into the metal on either side. A sign from God. I laughed out loud and knew in my heart He has been with you all along. Anyway, it may sound like a silly story, but I wanted to share it with you. I love you so very much Heath and am praying for you both."
And, Caitlin, sending us this:
"everyday I find time to read from this daily devotional book that I've been reading for the past few months and the other day it had a bible verse that stuck to me for some reason. Maybe because it was so simple but yet so powerful and true that it touched my heart and renewed my belief in God. I want to share it with you because I'm hoping it will give you some confidence as you and Alec face this next battle."
"With God nothing will be impossible"
-Luke 1:37
Or Amy, sending this photo that I really love...and will post again...
If you think of something, see a God Wink, hear a cancer story with a happy ending, feel God with you, please, we would love to hear about it. I share all emails and stories with Alec and I think each story gives him a little more HOPE.
We will never ever get tired of hearing from you all. If I do not respond right away, please understand that I just need time and I will get back to you. It means so much. Even those friends from long ago, your kind words and prayers are so appreciated. Thank you.
LOve to all,
Heather, Alec and Millie
It has been one of those weeks that feels like months and I really can not believe it is only Wednesday. However, every day seems to get a little easier and with the support from family and friends we feel better already.
I guess what we are looking for now are stories and happy endings and anything to do with God, Faith, Love, Surviving.
While I am somewhat of a religious/spiritual person, Alec is not. He has gone through the last 8 months not really relying on faith. I have tried, but not pushed to get him to go to church, pray, look for signs, but he has stood tall and taken on all these obstacles like a man. However, I really believe there is a time in every persons life (even big strong men) where they don't have a choice but to turn to God. You just have to believe that there is something greater. This is that time. We NEED him. It does not matter how a person was brought up, religious or not, it is not too late. God would never turn us away just because we are turning to him now, in time of need.
I feel so strongly about this that I am writing it in here and asking for help. We all need to BELIEVE and have FAITH. Any story, book, person, prayer, poem, priest, healer, God Wink, phrases, bible verses, songs...anything you think may help us we would love it if you could share that with us.
So far, this week, here are a few things that have really helped us:
The Lance Armstrong book that Liz sent us. I read this months ago and was totally inspired by his story and the obstacles he has overcome. He was supposed to die. He was 23, he is now almost 40. I asked Alec to please read his story, and he is and I really think it will help him BELIEVE. http://www.lancearmstrong.com/ Read his BIO, so amazing. Here is a snapshot of what what he was faced with:
In October 1996 he was diagnosed with testicular cancer, with a tumor that had metastasized to his brain and lungs. His cancer treatments included brain and testicular surgery and extensive chemotherapy, and his prognosis was originally poor. He went on to win the Tour de France each year from 1999 to 2005, and is the only person to win seven times, having broken the previous record of five wins.
Meg Dez sent me an email today and I hope she does not mind me sharing:
"I was reflecting in the car this morning, on my way into school, about how I have actually felt Jesus' presence so many times in my life. I was thinking about how He has never left me at any time in my life. When He said to His people, "I go before you always" and "I shall never abandon my people" He meant it. I started talking to God in the car about you and Alec and told him how I trusted in Him to be with you both. Just as I was chatting away to Him about you, I came to a red light. In front of me was a huge utility truck stopped at the light as well. I was looking at the license plate and below it was this rusted metal crate screwed onto the back of the truck. Low and behold, there were two crucifixes carved into the metal on either side. A sign from God. I laughed out loud and knew in my heart He has been with you all along. Anyway, it may sound like a silly story, but I wanted to share it with you. I love you so very much Heath and am praying for you both."
And, Caitlin, sending us this:
"everyday I find time to read from this daily devotional book that I've been reading for the past few months and the other day it had a bible verse that stuck to me for some reason. Maybe because it was so simple but yet so powerful and true that it touched my heart and renewed my belief in God. I want to share it with you because I'm hoping it will give you some confidence as you and Alec face this next battle."
"With God nothing will be impossible"
-Luke 1:37
Or Amy, sending this photo that I really love...and will post again...
If you think of something, see a God Wink, hear a cancer story with a happy ending, feel God with you, please, we would love to hear about it. I share all emails and stories with Alec and I think each story gives him a little more HOPE.
We will never ever get tired of hearing from you all. If I do not respond right away, please understand that I just need time and I will get back to you. It means so much. Even those friends from long ago, your kind words and prayers are so appreciated. Thank you.
LOve to all,
Heather, Alec and Millie
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Summah, Sangria, and Scans.
Wow, why do I find it so much more difficult to update the blog in the spring/summer time!? I guess its because the sun goes down so late and we like to take full advantage of being outside. Since it has been raining all day today I figured I would give a quick update.
Alec had his CAT scan this week, but no word for the doc yet. Since I am miss impatient-pants, I have asked Alec a few times (only twice, I try not to nag) if we should call the doctor to see if he has looked at the scans. But, Alec said he would rather wait until Monday when we meet with Dr. Tek in the morning. I guess I have to wait also, he sure is a patient patient.
After his CAT scan, he was "radio active". He was not allowed to be near pregnant women and we had to stay at least 12 feet away from each other...Millie too. If he were to go into a court house he would have set off the alarms! He thought he was so funny, chasing me around the house trying to "radiate" me. It sure is weird trying to stay 12 feet away from your husband.
Alec started a new job! Since he has not worked since December, you can imagine he was getting pretty restless. Anyone who knows my husband, knows he has to be busy, busy, busy. And, now with the kitchen renovated, guest room finished, trees down, etc, etc, the "honey do" list was looking a little boring. The next task on our list is a new roof and there is no way in heck I am letting him get up there. He tried a couple years ago, and I don't even want to tell you how he attempted. (it involved a rope, a brick, a harness and the chimney)
He is working for Dr. Wolfberg, a Maternal Fetal Medicine doc from TUFTS. Selling an ultrasound service http://www.previewdiagnostics.com/ Go to About Us to see Alec's profile! It seems like the perfect opportunity, and Alec is really excited to get back out there. The job is super flexible and he can work from home, maybe travel one or two days a week. He just cant seem to get enough of women's health! Ladies...be ready for a comeback! (I almost feel like I should draw a goatee on his face so he is recognizable!)
We had such a fun Memorial Day weekend with friends and family. Alec and the guys were out fishing and catching lobster (8 so far) while the ladies went to the beach and drank too much Sangria.
We can not wait to go to bed tonight! Last weekend (rainy Sunday) we went to Bob's Furniture and bought the Bob-O-Pedic and we just set the mattress up. We hope we like it!
That's about all for now. It has been pretty nice not having chemo these past few weeks, Alec is feeling good, he was even able to have a beer! I think it was his first since Fall, not that he is a drinker, but what guy doesn't enjoy a cold one? Next week we are hoping and praying for some good news from Dr. Tek (that his scans are all good and clean.) Then we meet back up with Dr. Allen, Alec's oncologist for the colorectal cancer and she will tell us what the next phase will entail (most likely 6 more months of chemo.)
Please say an extra prayer! Thank you and happy Summer! We are so blessed!
Go Celtics!
Love to all,
Heather, Alec and Millie
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