Who is God?

Chase is quite the intellectual.  Lately and often, we have deep conversations, deeper conversations than I have even have with adults.  Is it possible to say he challenges me...spiritually?  A three year old?

He has been very curious about his Dad, why he is in heaven, with God.  Why he lives in his heart, not here in our home.  And I think he has finally somewhat accepted this part.  But then the other day he asked "But Mama...who is God?".

As a baby, I was convinced that Chase saw God and his Dad everywhere.  I think about when he would just start giggling out of no where, or gaze off into the distance at something in the sky and the look on his face was like nothing I could ever describe.  But as children grow older, they start to question and reflect and unfortunately, doubt .

So when Chase asked me "Who is God" I took a moment to answer.  Up until recent years, I thought God was a man, with a long white beard, who sat at the gates of heaven and decide whether or not you could get in.  God was nice...as long as you were good.  God answered prayers when you deserved it, but God also punished, God caused death and heart ache and sadness.

And of course now I know that God is so, so good.

God is Love.  And that was my answer to Chase.  God is Love.  

And to a 3 year old...that answer was enough.

But I went on...I told him God is in his heart, and my heart and every heart. God can be found in acts of kindness.  God is in the beauty that surrounds us. God is compassion and healing.  God is love.  God is love.  God is Love.

I often refer to God as "Him" but I don't really think God is a "He" or "She".  God is love...love has no gender.  God (Love) is everywhere in everyone...and that is my religion.

Healing Hearts.

The week before Lilliana made her appearance, my Mom, Jill and I had an "induction" dinner, where we tried pretty much every possible way to get that baby out.  (Eggplant, pineapple, lemon drop cupcakes, wine) But Miss Lill waited a few more days before marking her way into the world.  

But that night will forever be a special one.  We cooked dinner together, we laughed, cried and danced around the kitchen.  It was one of those moments in your life that you never want to forget.  

Jill had on her play list "Best Day of My Life" and told us she played that song over and over, dreaming of and envisioning the day she would bring her baby home in her arms. And so that was her theme song, and we played it over and over that night, singing, dancing and laughing.  During dinner, I started to cry.  Finally...there was a light at the end of our tunnel.  Finally...our family would be whole and happy and healed.  Finally...

And then, June 21st, exactly one year after Annie and Bella died, Jill and Brian brought home their sweet bundle of joy and played that song.  To see Jill and Brian with their sweet baby girl...there is nothing that warms my heart more.  Brian, is so proud, so sweet and affectionate.  He loves his daughter so, so much.  And Jill, her warmth and love for her baby...I have never seen a mother more in awe.  And she said, in her own words, that Lilliana has "healed her broken heart" something she truly did not believe was possible. 

When I reflect on the last few years, sometimes it becomes overwhelming for me.  To say we "made it" just does not seem to even come close to what we went through.  But we have all learned so much, and our lives are so sweet now.  You become so aware.  Aware of the beauty in the day, aware of beauty in the smallest moments, aware of the beauty in all that surrounds us.  And none of us, not me, not Jill, not my Mom, let this grief define us.  We overcame our fears.  Fear of loss, fear of heart break, fear of the unknown.  We cast our fears aside, we held our heads high, we weathered the storm, we looked up to Him, we prayed for strength, guidance, hope.  

We put fear aside, opened our hearts and let LOVE in.     

And if there is anything our family has learned through the last few years...when there is LOVE, anything is possible.  Love can heal a broken heart, love can make your life worth living, with love comes joy, hope, faith.  

With love a baby is born.   

Jill made this video of her sweet little Lill, and with her permission, I share it with the world!  Love you Lill.  Love you Jill.  Love you God, you are so good to us.  

Lord, you do everything for me.

Lord, your love continues forever.

Psalm 138:8