Alec continues to send us all signs and for that I am so grateful. On the last couple trips from Maine to Boston I have seen a rainbow over the city, and there was really no reason for one, sun was out and there were a few clouds, but I know it was Alec giving me a sign that for now, we are in the right place. Then one night I was driving back to my parents house and I was feeling a wave of grief come over me and I looked up and saw a shooting star. He didn't want me crying that night. My mom also had an Alec Wink, she hadn't really seen any signs since he died so she asked him, one morning, please, give me something so I know your OK, on her way into work she saw 3 deer frolicking in a field, a field where she looks every single morning for nature and never sees a thing. She knew it was Alec telling her he is OK. And Alec's mom experienced a bright light and a woosh sound (I have read that this is a soul visiting) she couldn't find an explanation of what it may have been except that it was Alec.
I do believe Chase still sees his Daddy regularly. I am convinced that children have a sixth sense and he is with Chase more than I even know. One day I was rocking him in his chair and he was looking behind me, then his head and eyes would whip over in the other direction, then back, and it happened for a few minutes. He was laughing and smiling and I couldn't figure out what he could possibly be looking at, until I felt that Alec was really there, playing peek-a-boo with his son. Monday, Presidents Day we went for a walk in the woods, a trail that was our favorite, Alec and I would ski, bike, and walk it with Millie all year long. I was carrying Chase in the baby carrier and we were talking to Dada, telling him how much we still loved this trail and we wished he was with us. Sure enough a huge gust of wind blew and I knew he really was there.
Chase is now 9 months old. He is doing new things every day. He started to say "Dadadada" he crawls around like a man on a mission and he pulls him self up and can even stand alone for a few seconds. He is quickly learning the word "NO" and poor Millie, I think he thinks she is a sqeeky toy (and he can squeeze pretter hard). He eats anything I give him, I think his new favorite food is Papa's meatballs (Mommy's favorite too). And, he got his first haircut this week, he looks so grown up and even more like his Daddy...
My mind has been playing cruel tricks on me lately, I dream that Alec is alive and this is all just a bad dream. I don't mind it at first, because at least get to see him, but then I wake up and realize he is not here and I am actually living the bad dream. Death is just so hard to accept, how can someone be there, by my side for 5 years, and then gone?
I miss him so much. I miss being his wife. I miss the way he made me laugh, I miss holding his hand, rubbing his back. I miss the joy in my heart. It makes me so sad, wondering if the best years of my life are already behind me. How will I ever find that kind of love and happiness again? Who will I ever adore as much as I did Alec? When I look at pictures of the two of us, I can almost see the love, the adoration for each other, my smile is one I haven't seen in 4 months. I had stars in my eyes when I was with Alec, I was just so, so in love with him. I try to find comfort in imagining if it were me that was gone, Alec would be broken hearted and in pain, so I guess I am glad it is me, and not him that has to live through this.
I am doing all the right things, taking all the right steps in this grief process, I wish it wasn't so hard. I guess it is just the price you pay for loving someone so much.
I am glad we went to church today. (Above was written before church, can you tell?) Sometimes it is hard not to feel sorry for yourself, I suffered a great loss. But on the other hand, I have so much to be thankful for. A healthy, beautiful baby, the most wonderful family and friends, a loving, supportive church, God, Millie, our beautiful home, and a mission...to make Alec proud and to carry on his legacy through our son. If Alec would want anything, it would be for me and for Chase and all his family and friends to live and love and to never take a day for granted. He was my inspiration, my hero, I will live to make him proud.
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