Getting By Aint Easy...

Getting by without Alec is so hard. I miss him so much. I think about him all the time.

Life without cancer is so different. It was all consuming, doctors appointments, good news, bad news, waiting, and then poof...its all gone. I so often find myself thinking of other families who I know are going through what we went through and I think how hard it really is, but at least they still have their loved ones here and they still have hope, there is always hope. I have no Alec and I have no hope. I am just trying to find my way without either.

I do have Chase, and of course I love him and cherish him every day. But it also does not make things easier. It makes it better, for sure, but not easier. I just wish, wish, wish Alec was here and we could go back to our perfect little life. I would take another 20 years of cancer, and the ups and downs and the constant rollar coaster...if only he was here.

We are trying to adjust to this different life. To a life without my husband, who always took such good care of me, Chase, Millie, our home, our cars, paid our bills, took out the trash. All the every day things that most spouses take for granted. I find I am constantly thinking, "how did Alec do this or that, what would he want me to do here or now?" It gets tiresome, but I must trust that he trusted me to be the mother of his child, so he knew I could do it, and I know some how, he is always guiding me in the right direction.

Spending more time with my family is always helpful, and they spoil us. My Dad makes us breakfast in bed on the weekends, packs lunches during the week, he keeps Chase smiling. My Mom takes Chase when I need a break and is always ready to do whatever we need, my sisters are there no matter what, Alec's Mom is always on call to come down in a second to help. Auntie Beth is Chase's Tuesday babysitter, Caitlin is practically running a daycare for Chase. And I appreciate it all, and I am so grateful for the constant love and support. But what I would do to have my Alec! My heart literally yearns for him, tears still flow regularly for him, and I would do just about anything to see him again.

Jill told me this week that February 6th was 4 years from when her best friend, Shirley was killed in a car accident. I will never forget the moment I learned of her death, I was walking in the hallway at Newton Wellsley Hospital and Catherine called, I was in shock. How could a beautiful, young girl with so much life be gone in an instant? Her death hit me, and so many others hard. She and her family were so close, and their lives ran so parallel to ours, daughters, a golden retriever, Shirley was the center of their world. I had known Shirley for years and I remember the night after her services, Alec and I took a walk on Goose Rocks, and I cried and cried into his shoulder, why, why why did this happen to such a good family, to such a good girl? Soon after Alec died, I thought of Shirley, was she waiting for him? She and I were a lot alike, blonde, we both had little sisters, we were out going, fun, with a little bit of a wild side...which is why she and Jill were best friends. When Jill and I were talking about Shirley this week I told her I know she and Alec were having fun up there, and I am glad that Shirley is there with him. (Although I said I hoped she wasn't wearing a bikini...I can still be a little jealous right?). I know that Alec is taking care of Shirley, looking out for her, make sure she is not getting into too much trouble (yes, even in heaven I am sure Shirl could find mischief.) Either way, it brings me comfort, knowing that they are most likely friends and both of them are special angels, keeping us all safe.

Shirley Roome, October 26th, 1982 - February 6th, 2008

I will continue to pray to God, who got me this far...I pray that someday this will get easier. I pray that I will see Alec again. I pray that I am making him proud.



Thank you for all your love and support,

Heather, Chase and Millie