5 months

I do not know how it has been 5 months. I still don't believe it, I still have to ask myself a few times a day..."Did this really happen? Is he really gone?" I do not know if I will ever accept it. Death is so hard to grasp, it is so final. I find myself thinking up ways to bring him back, how can I just see him one more time?

Now that Chase is ten months (ten months!) I am talking even more about his Daddy, showing him photos, videos, and making him aware of just how wonderful of a Daddy he was. 5 months was hard, it made me realize that Chase will now have been alive for longer than Alec got to be with him on earth...it is so unfair and my heart breaks for me, for Alec and for Chase. We should all be together...this is not how this was supposed to end.



Chase saying hi to Daddy in the morning...


He makes him smile so big!


And he gives him kisses too!


Nothing stops the two of us though. We are living life to the fullest, just like Alec would want. Chase never stops, and neither do I. I love being his Mom, showing him new things, exploring, and spending as much time outside as we can. This winter has been a gift. I know Alec is up there, bribing someone to keep the sun shining, because he knows just how bad I need it. The rainy days are my worst days, sunny days are when I am happy, outside and grateful for my beautiful life and really feeling Alec with us.



What I have realized through this experience is that old phrase "it takes a village to raise a child" is true. I always disagreed, no, actually, I thought...it takes a Mom and a Dad. But when one parent is not there, the village steps up, and Chase has so many people that love him and want to be in his life. I am so grateful, and I know Alec must be up there, orchestrating it all. Between family, friends and church, he is one loved baby boy. And he loves the attention, he has become quite the little ham, always making people laugh, smiling at strangers at the grocery store, until they smile back, then coyly looking away and nuzzling his head in my shoulder. He literally makes so many people happy and brightens days. I am so thankful for my precious baby Chase.



Alec continues to send us signs, and he has been busy. A few weeks ago I received an email from one of his best friends who now lives in San Diego. Steve wrote to me,

"I was thinking of you and Alec today, as I was cleaning my boat I looked down and saw hundreds of mackerel swimming in the sun. I proceeded to grab my rod and caught a few, and was tempted to throw them in my baitwell to liveline in what shall ever be known as "The Alec Technique". Then I remembered, there are no stripers in SD! So I went out and caught my first halibut on a jig instead. I'm still crediting Alec with the assist"

Awesome. Its funny how all of a sudden all his friends are having such great luck fishing...is it luck or is it something else?

That same week I was having a really bad week. The day after Steve sent me that email I was out walking with my Mom and Aunt and Chase and Millie. I was ahead a little ways from my Mom and Aunt and I was on the verge of tears, but I I looked up and asked Alec for a sign, a moment went by and I got nothing. I thought, "well, he must still be in California with Steve". Literally that very moment I looked up and saw the cross from a church sticking out over the top of the trees, and the way the sun was hitting it looked like it was glowing gold. It was beautiful, and my sadness went away for the rest of that bad week and I knew that Alec was with me, always.

Kendalle texted me last weekend and said she saw not one but two bald eagles flying over their home in Georgetown. I swear it must be one of the same ones I have seen twice along 95 heading into Boston. That's Alec alright.

And then his sister Charlotte took Millie for a run last week. She was always such a good sister to Alec, taking Millie out for us when we would have a late night from the hospital, stopping in at the house to check on things when we were away and always being there for her brother. She was thinking of Alec as she ran by the beach, wondering if he would be happy she was out running with Millie (yes, very happy he would be!) and she looked up to see a blue "BELIEVE" bracelet, hanging on a fence post at the entrance to the beach. Someone must have lost it at the beach (Alec? Maybe, he was always losing his and needing a new one.) and someone picked it up and placed it there, for Charlotte to find. Now if that isn't an "Alec Wink" I don't know what is! His message that day..."BELIEVE...I am still with you".

In my Mom and Dad's basement, about 5 years ago, when Alec and I made the first bean bag set, we spent a long night creating, sanding, staining and polyurathaning. A few weeks ago as I was doing a load of laundry while visiting I noticed this on the chalkboard...
It's still there, after 5 years! He was probably trying to teach me math or something, he was always attempting to improve my terrible math, in fact, I still find myself wanting to ask him..."Aleeeec...how do I figure out 1/4 cup?" But then he would make me practice fractions and do it on paper and then he would quiz me after. By then I would have lost interest in whatever it was I had been making. "Just tell me the answer" At this age, I will never know how to do math!

Spending time with Jan, Sharon and the dogs at the Beach!


Ready for his first bike ride!


So much fuN!


Biking is fun...


But sooooo tiring!


Chase and his best bro...Michael.


Chase thinking about taking a dip...


Chase getting loves from Sofia...


As always, I am grateful for your love, support and prayers. And if you see or hear from Alec, be sure to let me know!

Love,

Heather, Chase and Millie