Happy Birthday Alec, So Long 2014.

Yesterday, December 30th would have been Alec's 38th Birthday.  I always felt bad for people who had Birthdays so close to Christmas.  But Alec never seemed to mind.  His Mom would take a 100 dollar bill and create a scavenger hunt which would send him all over the house, finally leading him to his money.  And Alec totally played into the whole thing as we all chased him around, helping with the clues.  His Mom and I think that we should have Chase do it next year, and I agree!  It was a fun way to celebrate a Birthday, and every Birthday should be celebrated!  

Yesterday Chase drew some pictures for his Daddy.  When I asked what it was, he said "This is Momma, this is Dada and this is a rocket ship!"  It was so cute, I wondered if he drew the rocket ship to fly to heaven and see Dada.

So often I get through my day being thankful for what I had and what I now have.  But sometimes, I think of what should be and what is not.  Those feelings cause great sadness.  Saturday night we went to see Alec's favorite comedian, Bob Marley...I laughed so hard my cheeks hurt. But then we got home and that sadness crept in, and I thought how Jill and Brian should have had their twin girls with them (and probably would not have been able to go out!), I thought how Alec should have been the one that was enjoying the show, with his wife and family.  I get mad, I get sad, I cry.  Then I wake up to a new day, and remember I am here, he is not, and I have to live this life the best I can.

I think about how I would be teasing Alec...probably calling him an old geezer.  I wonder what he would look like now, would his hair be thinning?  Would he have any grays?  I guess that is one benefit of dying young, I will always remember him with his thick hair (2 gray hairs that I could find) and his athletic build.  I remember his hands, I loved his hands.  My friend Erin who lost her Dad when she was 5 said she still remembers her fathers hands...she visualizes his hands often so that she won't forget. That advice I took and I do the same now.  I know I will someday hold his hands again, until then I will dream about them.

I don't really know how to wrap up 2013.  It wasn't good...I lost my two nieces, I watched my sister and her husband grieve the death of their daughters, my family was thrown back into the midst of sadness, our hearts were torn open again, our dreams crushed.  The second year of my journey through grief tested me even greater than the first year.  Just when I thought we were getting back to a new normal, the floor was taken out from underneath us, we were sucker punched in the gut, our Faith in the Lord was again tested.  But, somehow we made it through, we pulled together, we prayed, we had HOPE.  And that is just about all a family can do.

Saturday night we toasted to a happier, healthy 2014, so long 2013...you stunk like beef and cheese.