The change of seasons seem to be the hardest times to get through. I don't know why, but I am going to assume it is because I realize I somehow got through the last season without Alec, and now have to go through another one without him. Summer may be the hardest yet. Probably because it was our favorite. Fishing, boating, beaching, campfires, long days, beautiful sunsets...we both lived for summer. There is so much to do and so little time. I at times become anxious about summer, wait, its already late June, only how many more weekends? I try to be more like Chase or Millie...living for the moment...just be in the present.
My heart still aches daily for Alec, just when I think I am getting through one phase of grief, I am brought back to the beginning, anger, shock, sadness. I have the hardest time believing I am never going to see him again...hold his hand...hear his voice. And, I still get mad. How did we go through all of that, the last two years, and we got this result? How is any of it fair? How is he not here to see his baby boy grow up? Why? I get so angry. It still hurts so much, my heart breaks and breaks again. I try to remind myself that I should be so grateful that I had such a love in my life, and that I have this beautiful boy, but sometimes I am just plain mad, sad and hurt. And I know that God loves me and Chase, and I do make the best of every moment but it doesn't make things any easier and I just miss him more than my heart can sometimes bear.
What I would do for one more day...
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