10.23.12

One year later.

It is hard to believe it has been a year.  I still ask myself if Alec is really gone and never coming back.  I don’t know if it will ever seem real or if I will ever really accept it.  There has been an unimaginable void in my life and my heart.   In the beginning people would tell me that time heals.  I did not believe it for a second.  However, I think it is safe to say, I have come a long way and time really does help, although I don’t think it will ever heal completely.  The ache in my heart is not a constant one anymore, it comes in waves and I have learned to just go with it. 

My relationship with God is on the mend.  I was so mad at him, and I couldn’t understand how he could take Alec away.  I thought for sure he would somehow save him, I literally believed until the day Alec died that if we prayed hard enough that God would spare Alec’s life.  And I thought he didn’t.  We did everything right, we joined a church, we did prayer circles, we laid our hands on Alec and tried to heal him.  And now, I realize on October 23^rd, he in fact was healed, God didn’t take him from me, he took him away from the pain and the suffering that he had endured in his body.  And Alec is not gone, he is very much here with me, he is in my heart, he is in Chase and he is constantly showing me signs.  Now when I see a sign from Alec, instead of wondering if it is really him, I simply smile and whisper “I love you too Alec.”

I am grateful.  Being bitter and mad gets you nowhere.  I have learned that you cannot be grateful and mad at the same time, so if I can take what I have had or what I have and be thankful for it, then my heart is filled with joy and I am no longer sad for what I don’t have.  I am grateful to a God that sent Alec into my life and showed me a love that some people don’t see in a lifetime.  I am grateful to God for our beautiful son, who lights up my life every day and shows me unconditional love.  I am grateful to God and to Alec for surrounding me with the most amazing people, some whom I have known my entire life and some who have come into my life within the last year, all whom I believe now were sent to me and Chase for a reason.  My heart can feel love and joy again, something I never thought possible. 

I am grateful for God, for giving me this beautiful life. 

I know Alec is proud of me.  I know he probably would yell at me for a few things (my bad driving, letting Chase eat candy, giving Millie some table scraps, amongst a few others) but I know over all he is proud.

We have all come together over the last year and celebrated Alec, he taught us all a thing or two about living life, never taking a day for granted and loving like there is no tomorrow. 

Thank you for your unwavering love, support, prayers and just being there for me and my family.  There is no way we could have gotten through this last year without you and I am forever thankful for each and every one of you.

Love,

Heather, Chase and Millie