Can we go home now?

These past few days have been kind of a blur...not even sure where to start. Alec is still at MGH and still recovering from Wednesday's surgery. He claims to be in less pain than last time, but he is not recovering any faster. He is so, so exhausted, he cant keep his eyes open for very long and even the smallest task takes so much effort and he struggles with it. Since he is recovering slower than expected and he is so weak, the doctors decided to post-pone his lung surgery to December. Which is fine by me, I feel like we all need a break and he needs to get well before they can get to his lungs.

The days all run into each other and nothing really changes. I keep expecting to walk in one morning and see him sitting up, smiling, eating and asking to go home...hasn't happened yet. I am getting frustrated with it, but have to remember the severity of surgery and what his body just went through. Afterall, he did lose more than half his liver. But I also know he is supposed to be walking around a couple times a day and just walking can help him heal and keep his lungs from filling with fluid, causing all sorts of problems (he has had a fever, sweats, and indigestion). I try to tell him this and lets just say...if looks could kill...

Alec's nurse today was very sweet, but too nice to him, she would come in and ask him if he wanted to walk, and he would say no, so she let him off the hook. I finally pulled his nurse aside and said "You can't be nice to him anymore, you have to put your foot down and get him out of bed and walking around!" 15 minutes later he walking around and actually feeling a little bit better and even ate for the first time afterwards.

It is hard being so helpless and no matter what I try to do it just doesn't matter or seem to help. My heart aches for him and I would in a second trade places, but I really feel like it is so much harder on the caretaker, hopefully Alec will never know the feeling.

We have had quite a few visitors, and although Alec is completely out of it, I think he is happy to see some new faces. Amy and Keith came by yesterday and it was great to hang out with them and I think they lifted his spirits a little. We would all be talking, thinking he was sleeping but all of a sudden he would participate in the conversation and we would look at each other like, "where the heck did that come from!?" Julia has been by every day and she is like a ray of sunshine each time, and I think its the only time I saw Alec smile, although he was very happy to see Jill too!

Today my Mom and Dad and I took Millie and Finn for a nice long walk in Walpole. It is so good and healthy to get some fresh air...sitting in the hospital all day staring at Alec is just not good, for either of us. Alec's family takes the morning shift, and we come in at noon until night.



In my little bubble of optimism, I am hoping he can go home tomorrow. (I actually packed my car today thinking he may go home today...not even close) I am still hopeful that when I see him tomorrow he will be up and smiling and eating and ready to get out of there, but I guess I have to be patient. Now that surgery is canceled, I am going to work go work in the field tomorrow. I need some sort of normalcy and to get my mind out of the fog. Last March, a few days after surgery I went to work I got a phone call halfway through the day that he was going home, I am superstitious.

I just want my husband back. I told him last week before he went in that the hardest part of surgery is the recovery, where he is on so many drugs and not himself. No laughing, joking, teasing, there is nothing about it that is good and I pray that he recovers fast and I have my best friend back by my side again. I take that back, there is some good, lots of good, he has less cancer in his body than a week ago and he is healing and by the Grace of God he WILL be cancer free. That is good.

That's all for now. Thank you for the prayers and for everything. I will hopefully have some good news soon (HOME!)

All our Love,

Heather & Alec